I am a 35 year old mother of a 1 year old daughter who lives with my husband in Texas. We recently moved my mother in because she had nowhere to go. She had a double mastectomy's in 2022 no chemo no radiation and started declining in health shortly after. We are sure depression has something to do with the decline but she is since been on meds. She's a long time diabetic due to pancreas not functioning, very underweight, and does not ambulate well (uses a walker and falls 1-2 times a week). She is a very stubborn mean woman and has always been avoidant of doctors and never quit eating sugar after diabetes diagnosis. She has been in and out of the hospital the past year for various issues including sepsis, bone infection due to bed sores, mostly for her sugars being off then she can't walk. She has been stuck in a cycle of hospital for emergency then rehab. Once rehab gets her able to ambulate she is dismissed to home where she does not take care of her insulin needs, other needs then declines follow up visits. She was tested 6 months ago and does not have cancer or dementia/Alzheimer's. The only diagnosis she gets is that she needs to eat more. We tried to get her help during the past year but she refused and did not let us help. APS or Lawyers could not intervene because she is considered competent. Her husband has divorced her because he cannot watch her not take care of herself and she didn't represent herself during the divorce so all she gets is half the sale of the house when it sells roughly 50-60k. She has no retirement savings or any assets. She is only 64 so does not qualify for medicare. She hasn't worked in 20 years so she does not qualify for disability money. She gets around 900 a month. She also does not participate at the doctors visits or want to go to them. I am trying to figure out what to do. I know I can't force someone to take care of themselves but I am also struggling turning my back on her because I truly don't know where she would go. I have been helping her with her insulin which keeps her somewhat level and eating. I am having trouble drawing the line where I do and do not intervene. We also have no idea when the house will sell so we are trying to pay for everything until she can use her money and spend it down on care until Medicaid can take over. I am just at a loss at what my responsibilities are and how to balance that she isn't interested in getting better or figuring out what is wrong.
First, you should not be paying for her needs. She can apply for spousal social security benefits. Assuming her husband worked and is entitled to social security benefits, the ex-spouse can receive a benefit equal to half of the spouse's SS amount. It may not be much, but at least a little income coming in will help with costs.
Second, the next time she goes to the hospital for an emergency, make it clear to the doctor, nurse, social worker, and whoever is coordinating her transfer to rehab, that YOU CAN NOT TAKE CARE OF HER. When the rehab facility wants to discharge her home, don't come pick her up. Let them know, she can not come home with you. Many short term rehab facilities also have a long-term care wing or sister facility they can transfer her to if she is unable to take care of herself, which her repeated emergency incidents clearly indicate.
If she is considered competent, ask yourself whether you want to continue having her live with you and trying to meet her needs. She is a grown woman, and is not your responsibility to take care of. If you have the patience and time and energy to take care of her for the remainder of her life, then make that commitment and embrace it without complaint. It's not unusual for multi-generational families to live together - in peace and harmony. Perhaps when she gets her share of the marital house sale, she could use that money to help build a separate in-law quarters, so she is nearby, but living independently. It is not your job to keep her from making harmful decisions. Accept that she will likely continue on the same path. Don't ruin your own health or neglect your child and spouse trying to protect her from herself.
Or, with her share of the house sale money, she can opt for an assisted living unit, and when the money runs out, she, too will likely be ready to transition to a medicaid paid nursing home. She may even neglect her health to the point that it ends her life. Again, you have to decide how much of that you can or want to control. And let go of the things you can not control.
My mom got my dad's even though she remarried, she was a widow when we applied for my dad's benefits. This was an eligibility requirement. SSA did the sorting out of how she would get the best benefits and was very helpful, after actually reaching them.
People should verify what they are eligible for, even if they choose differently. Ya just never know.
my advice to you is to:
You’ve done all that you can do for her. Time for Tough-Love:
Walk Away and Live Your Life — Guilt-Free. Even her husband saw the futility and had to do so.
Sad, I know. But don’t bang your head against the door anymore and don’t beat yourself up over it either.
NOT YOUR FAULT — IT’s HERS.
My immediate response/ sense of what you've shared is that you need to:
1) figure out what is 'running you' in regard to caring / housing your mother. Is it guilt?
2) While she IS living with you, you must learn how to set boundaries (what you will do / won't do) which requires you to CONSIDER your priorities:
- you have a husband and a very young child. "These" are your priorities.
- learn how you 'hold' yourself - develop your self-esteem/self-worth
3) Understand / consider you are being a 'co' (dependent). You are taking responsibility - and care - of a person who doesn't want NOR INTEND to take care of their self. Why? (What is running you/r decision making; it is likely decades of a dysfunctional relationships between you and your mother). If you do not 'break' this cycle, she will CONTINUE to drain you of financial resources and drain you emotionally and psychologically.
4) These family relationships / dynamics do not change overnight. Get into therapy to start to process through it, learning who you are and why/how and what boundaries you need to set / create with your mother.
"We also have no idea when the house will sell"
Who is in charge of selling the house?
If this is you/r husband, do it as quickly as possible, even if at a loss.
You need this income for obvious reasons.
If you mother is deemed medically competent, you need to move her into another housing situation ASAP.
- Keep your finances separate from hers (or you won't have anything left). She will drain you dry.
- While it may not be 'easy' to find her other housing, if she is cognizant to understand what is going on - that you are SERIOUS about her moving, and will go to any length to get her into a new living situation, she may 'step up' to her own plate and take some responsibility.
- If she doesn't, while it may sound very cruel, consider a homeless shelter. See if you can work with any gov't or local (senior) agency to help find her some housing accommodation 'first' - although your goal must be 'get her moved out asap.'
OF COURSE, SHE WILL BE ROYALLY MAD at you. This is her m.o. She also might be a narcissistic personality type (disorder) ... running circles around you. Don't 'blame' yourself. Learn how to change.
If you do not take steps (to learn how) to separate your-self / your history / with your mother, likely / possibly your relationship w your husband will change - and not for the better. What are his feelings and input in all this? Is he a 'co' (dependent) too?
- I would encourage couples counseling - if this is a mutual decision (to bring her into your home) and/or to keep her there, paying for everything. You (both) took this responsibility on - you both likely need to figure out together - in therapy - how to 'dis-entangle' yourselves from a NO WON situation.
Perhaps first, you need to learn / admit that your mother is not and thus far, will not take personal responsibility for her own welfare. Why not? Because you have been there with a safety net -- she doesn't have to.
Unless she is a dependent of yours (taking on full legal responsibilities - to care for her - keeping her alive), how she 'ends up' is up to her. She has made it very clear that she doesn't care about herself - I am presuming this is a life-long pattern of her behavior.
Once you tell her you do not have income / resources to pay for her care / housing (in YOUR home) ... telling her that she DOESN'T have income to care for herself in YOUR home, that she'll need to make other arrangements ... things may change. She may or may not (want to) take responsibility for what happens to her. That remains to be seen based on how you proceed.
Gena / Touch Matters
so sorry to hear the helping became a burden
seek advice
I have to tell you I am 91, almost 92, and she does not recognize what I do or how difficult it is for me. She is a hoarder, turned my house into a place to sleep. It is no longer a home. I am telling you this because you have to extract yourself from this situation. Your life is just beginning and you need to live it. Mine is almost over and I will need to deal with the legal and medical issues. I have two other children who have no interest in helping so I am it. Save yourself and your family, and bless you for caring enough to try to help, but enough is enough.
The next time she’s in the ER or lands in the hospital, at discharge time tell them she can’t return to your home to live with you. Referring to her fall out of bed in response to a reply below, she’ll very likely need a diagnosis that says her condition is terminal to be considered for hospice. Contact your Area Agency on Aging for assistance. Through them I learned about the Medicaid waiver program in Indiana which helped pay for assisted living along with my brother’s monthly Social Security. With medical needs such as bed sores she may well be a better candidate for a nursing facility. Look at it this way: you’re not throwing her away. You’re finding better care for her that you can’t provide. The Medicare website has ratings for nursing homes, but not assisted living since Medicare doesn’t pay for it. Good luck! You deserve to get your life back.
*I would send money but the overall upkeep for it was a lot for an older lady. Boy am I glad I did. She'll be 80 in a month and she's safe, the place is well cared for, they have security 24/7 & she only pays about a bit over $200 a month. :) No utilities she has to pay, No water.. they cover it all. She's been on Medicare/Medicaid since she was I think 65 so her medical is all covered.
*Please start calling & find her 1 of these Residences. It might be tougher now as there are waiting lists & now they're trying to place homeless individuals from the street or the Y.. into these apartment communities.. but get her started right away.
What I want to say to you is.. do ONLY what you can do. Then back off. I moved back home after 30 years after living in CA for 24 years & then Texas for 6. I'm an only child, 50's.. so it's tough. I am living with her until I figure out where I want to move & get organized for a little while & take care of her.. We have argued nearly every week or 2 since I've been here which has been 2 1/2 months so far.
They do NOT want you to tell them ANNNYYTHING. They are combative & somewhat angry & very argumentative. I was so stressed just even the 1st few days of being here.. I called my aunt in another city & was crying. I NEVERRR cry. My insides were Springing. That is stress.
So now, when she starts being super negative & argumentative- if I.m hanging out in her room watching TV with her, (which is not my thing but I do for her)- once she starts it, I jump right UP & walk out & go in the living room & work. Like, I can't handle it. It's nevvver a nice word about any1, it's glass half Empty, it's Always negative & if you have a different stance OFF you go into an argument.
I try not to "Hover" over over when we're out anymore. She argued with me just for looking out for her. She doesn't have peripheral vision, has glaucoma so, she doesn't see people trying to get by & I'll say, watch out mom.. she calls that Trying To Tell her what to do!
So, I said to myself, I.m done.. I.m letting her do it how she's been doing it & when it gets down to, super serious/she can no longer function/take care of herself... then I'll call & speak with her doctors who I have on speed dial & I'll call a social worker & I will place her in a nursing home.
Hun, when you feel yourself in stress & you begin crying about it all, it's time to fall back.
What I have learned.. you can't MAKE someone do something & our parents WILL put up a fight.
Let them do it how they do it..help as much as you can.. but, when it gets to be too much, call for help.. or get them in a facility. That's really all you can do & especially with, trying to take care of yourself.
We're at an age where, this stress can toss us into a stroke. So, take care of yourself.
Also, seek therapy. I've never EVER seen a therapist, never needed to, am a strong woman, handle myself, my business, have friends I talk to.. but THIS...honey, I called the Behavioral Dept of my insurance & set an appointment with a Therapist. My 1st appointment is this coming Monday. It's just all a Lottt!.
And as I type this, we're coming off of an argument last night over:: "Cold water bottles" wiiiildddd! It's always something so insignificant. So, I got up, walked out of the room & haven't talked to her since yesterday. I shut down, don't want to talk & go about my business until it blows over.
I'm praying 4 you! Also, pray for me! ;-)
I agree that firm boundaries need to be put into place with her. We have enabled my mom for long enough and it sounds like you have too. Don’t let her destroy you. If she’s unwilling to cooperate, there’s nothing you can do except put her into a care facility and support her as from a healthy distance. If she’s nasty, you stop responding to her.
1 - She is mentally competent to make decisions for herself.
This means she can understand what the doctors (and other medical help) say and understand consequences of her actions.
2 - She is non-compliant in her health care. She chooses to not follow the advice of her health care team: the not eating correctly, the not doing what is needed for rehab after discharge... This also spills over into other areas of her life: not working, no retirement, no savings, failed marriage...
You need to look at what your obligations are to your mother. The law will say you are not obligated in any way - so don't beat yourself up if you choose to let her go her own way. You are not obligated to pay for her medications, provide a roof over her head, food for her belly...
But most people feel a moral obligation to care for their family members. If you lean this way, be a good advocate of caring for her basic needs - after some long talks with your spouse and the rest of your family (for their input and assistance). Her basic needs are a place to sleep, nutritious food (according to her diabetic diet), hygiene, and health care needs being met (needed medications). Most of her medications should be met by her own finances, buy those with her money. Use the rest of her money to cover her food and living expenses for living in your home. Make sure she gets those doctor appointments scheduled and goes to them. Make this part of the agreement for allowing her to live in your home. If she wants to have money for other things, encourage her to work or get help. There are resources to help women get jobs and get on their feet. Research and help your mom get into those places of help.
I wouldn't know what to do, but as I have read some say, next time she falls call an ambulance. I think your only shot is to first get her out of your home and then try and get help through the hospital. Insist that you cannot take her home. I really hope you figure away through this.
This happened a few times to my dad before he got the hospice referral and again, worse, after the hospice referral. (My mom kept getting rid of the aides but even with an aide watching them every moment, falls can and will happen.). In my dad’s case, in his last few days at home, he fell 3 times in 2 days, the last time he hit his head and there was blood everywhere. My mom called me, I called the ambulance and the hospice and they said he should be evaluated for concussion and I said from the hospital I wanted him to go straight to their facility for respite care because he was NOT safe at home under any circumstances at home. In the facility they had his bed on the floor with gym mats on either side so he could not fall out and if he tried to crawl out, there was an alarm that went off. He only lived a few days more and despite him not being happy to be in the facility, I know it was the only sane solution. They could have multiple people clean him, turn him in bed, and most important, give him oxygen and morphine every 2 hours around the clock to spare him any pain.
best wishes to you — it’s really hard.
I am sure APS have their guildelines for good moral & legal reasons. Nobody ever deserves their rights stripped away unless absolutely needed & in their best interests for safety (ie Baker Act).
But many people are not truly able to be independant. It does appear Mom is one, due to hx cancer, her current health issues, mental health issues like depression? Many life factors. Is her Diabetes well managed? Poorly managed Diabetes could be a HUGE factor here. Affecting all of her health, mood, cognition.
I would head down the NEEDS route. Obtain a needs assessment. A detail one with a Licenced Social Worker or via your local Council.
What CAN Mom do for herself? Does she cook, clean, laundry, drive, manage her bills? Collect medications & distribute into a day or week box? Arrange appointments, remember to attend, get herself there?
My LO considered herself *independant* yet family did ALL that on my above list. Both SW & an OT have done these types of Functional Assessments. Both advised *supported living* was needed.
It did not matter there was no dx of dementia. It was clear as day that if family stopped providing ALL that, my LO would be unsafe & fall into *self-neglect* very quickly.
I am thinking that if your Mom is very frail cannot look after herself then supported living of some type will be required. Being only 64 this is hard! What is you retirement pension age? If 65 hang in there. You can start the reseach now.
I was told by a Social Worker;
Have all relevant info to hand.
Research - be legalled up.
Be ready to roll.
Once there talk to doctor about a psych hold. Tell doc what has been going on . They can hold Mom at a psych unit and try to get her on some meds and counseling.
Do not take her home anymore either , let her become a ward of the state and let them place her in a facility . If you have POA , once Mom is out of your house go to a lawyer to formally give up POA .
As I would tell my kids , please enjoy your life and don't let your mom do this to you and your family. This is your time!
I only wanted to add, I am surprised your mother has not received the diagnosis “adult failure to thrive” which my dad received when he was refusing to eat, do anything the dr said, drink more than a few sips of water, or comply with basic hygeine. This diagnosis enabled him to get hospice care. Given that your mom does not seem interested in going to the dr or following medical advice, perhaps hospice would be best for her. But I emphasize NOT in your home. She can have hospice in some other setting.
or next time she goes to the hospital, try the unsafe discharge route and see if they will place her somewhere.
I can't imagine kicking her to the curb, even though that is what she deserves based on her behavior but, she needs help beyond what you can offer, please help her get some counseling to deal with her apathy and whatever else she has going on.
This probably won't be easy but, I would be telling everyone involved in her care that she needs counseling because of all the recent trauma and self neglect that has followed. She doesn't want to face things, that's why she is avoiding going to doctors, she doesn't care enough to do what they recommend or instruct but, finding the why of she doesn't care is the beginning of getting her to a better place. Tell everyone and ask for guidance when she goes to the hospital again, they know what resources are available.
Does she fully understand that she is playing with life and death? Not to mention her vision, kidneys and the other systems affected by diabetes? Does she want to die? I would ask her these questions, I would encourage her to be honest because she can die if she wants to, she just can not force you and your family to watch it happen.
Best of luck, these are such difficult situations.
Your Mom could have gotten so much more from that divorce. 50% of assets. Half of his pension. Better mske sure the house is selling at Market Value.
This is so common on this forum: conscientious, caring adult children or grandchildren basically upending their own lives to take care of mean, thoughtless and presumably abusive parents or grandparents. Your marriage and your precious little child are more important than this woman who seems unwilling to make a positive contribution to her own situation. (And seems to be mentally competent and not suffering from a condition causing cognitive impairment.)
Thinking of you and hoping that you can get your little one away from a mean person.
I am a young 64 year old with no health issues and it saddens me for you to have a mother that doesn't care about herself.
The way you describe her you would think that she was 94 instead of 64.
You won't be able to change your mother but you can change the way you react to her and the choices she makes.
I would start with the next time she ends up in rehab, you let the rehab social worker know that you no longer can care for your mother in your home as she is an unsafe discharge, and that she will need to be placed in the appropriate facility. And yes, she'll have to apply for Medicaid to be able to pay for it.
Her care is now more than you and your husband should have to deal with.
You, your husband and your marriage deserve SO much better, and it so very unhealthy for you, your husband, and your marriage to continue to let her live with you.
I hope you'll be strong enough to get your mother out of your home and into a facility where she will receive the care she requires, as you sure don't want her living with you for the next 30+ years now do you?
Perhaps what you need to do is to find ‘somewhere else’ for her to go, take her there and drop her off. If she goes to a shelter, they will probably take over sorting her out. Do it ASAP, before the ‘recent move in’ turns into her establishing a right to live with you. If her diet refusals mean she goes into hospital again, remove her belongings and refuse to take her back into your house.
This is going to require real firmness with the hospital/rehab social workers. You will have to blame her ‘impossible behaviors’, refusal of medical care, the stress to you, and the ‘damage to your marriage and child’. As soon as she is gone, remove the bed she slept in and set up the room for a different function. Be firm. Forget FOG (fear obligation and guilt). If you don't, you can see the next 20 or 30 years stretching in front of you, so make up your mind and don't change it.