My MIL, who is currently in rehabilitation, can’t live alone anymore. She needs to move in with my wife and I. Should I leave?
Hello. My wife’s mother has had heart trouble for the past 5 to seven years. I am 43 and my wife is 47. She is currently in rehabilitation unable to walk, wearing diapers and unwilling to even attempt to walk again. I love my wife, but I don’t think I can handle having her MIL move in with us. I have told my wife numerous times that it is not a good idea, but she is unwilling to keep her at a nursing home or care facility. I guess that would be the same thing. This situation is currently causing severe stress on me and my career. My wife is also now insisting that I purchase us a larger home so that we have more space for her mother. While I don’t want to leave my wife and do love her, I don’t feel like it should be my responsibility to purchase and pay for a larger home just so we have room for her mother. I already support my wife 100% and pay for everything because my wife can’t work while looking after her mother. My MIL doesn’t speak English so she needs to help her with everything. I also lost my mom in the beginning of 2024 and it she was diagnosed and passed away within 6 months. This has also been and still is extremely difficult and painful for me. My brother and I are still dealing with probate and other issues involved with the whole process of losing a single parent. Should I just leave and start over? I have an excellent career and have inherited a decent amount of money. I refuse to use any of this money towards care for my MIL because she didn’t plan her life properly and can’t afford care. Now she is going to move in, take all of my wife’s time and make our lives miserable. I only know this, because over the past few years when she would visit, even for a few days we were miserable. This was before when she could walk and use the restroom on her own. Am I being selfish or do I deserve to be completely happy? I would not choose to leave my wife under different circumstances. I honestly don’t know what to do.
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Your wife can go to visit MIL at her new facility every day.
Many facilities have staff that know other languages. If MIL works on learning English it is better for her brain and help prevent dementia.
Please keep us posted on how things go.
I hope you will return to us to comment on all of the many who have attempted to help and answer you. Don't leave us all alone feeling ghosted. It's so important to know what, if anything, we have said might have helped you, and it lends a sort of "reality" to your existence.
You state that when she has VISITED it has been miserable. You also state that that your DW is not working due to the amount of time it takes to care for MIL and she doesn't even live with you yet.
Here is what will happen when she moves in - not maybe - it just will - unless something changes - its like a boulder rolling down a hill.
1. Your wife will PROMISE you that you won't have to lift a finger - because you are already working full time and she will do EVERYTHING. You just need to buy a bigger house so you all have more room.
2. You wife will promise you that you won't have to worry about a thing.
3. Your wife - who is likely already overwhelmed NOW may believe it will be EASIER to have just one home to take care of and EASIER to have her mother in her home - ON HER.
4. Your MIL moves in - new home or not.
5. MIL in a new place, does not adjust well - begins to make even more demands on your wife, to the point that she realizes she needs help and oh hey - you are already there - do you mind just running her dinner tonight?
6. Your wife sees her respite - I'm so tired honey - do you mind just getting mom to bed tonight? Do you mind just taking ONE day off and taking her to the doctor? Can you be home while I go to the dentist?
7. Can you PLEASE help me with her I can't take it anymore I need some help.
Do you see where this is going? Your wife ALREADY knows that her mother's care is more than she can reasonably handle. Moving her into your home is the solution that makes the most sense to her because she can continue to please her mother and take the running back and forth out of the equation - and you'll love her no matter what - mom only loves her if she keeps her happy.
Once she's in - she's in. She establishes residency. And to have her leave you have to figure out how to get her into a SNF or evict her.
This road - already stressful - is getting ready to be laden with landmines - and you won't know where they all are.
Your wife is making a unilateral decision about something that will change the entire landscape of both of your lives. You need to have a come to Jesus with her pronto and talk options rather than - "this is what will happen". Resentment is a killer of relationships.
Does the Rehab place where your MIL is currently at also have long-term skilled nursing care units? Easy question to find out on your next visit or by calling the main number tomorrow.
If so, and you advise the social worker that your MIL is not able to relocate to your home, the Rehab facility will likely discharge MIL — when she stops progressing with her PT and OT — directly to their own skilled nursing care areas. They should not do this without advice and consent, but I have seen it happen. People show up to visit and Mom or MIL or Grandma has been moved to a new floor with a different care model.
Even IF you were to agree to MIL moving in — which I don’t advise at all — the Rehab facility will insist on a home visit to ensure your home is suitable (doors wide enough, grab bars in bathrooms, no steps to enter the home or ramps in place, space to accommodate a Hoyer lift, etc.) It is likely that your home is not currently set up with appropriate accommodations.
I would check immediately regarding the facility’s ratings … or have your wife check. Link below.
https://www.medicare.gov/care-compare/resources/nursing-home/overall-star-rating
Ratings ⬆️ on three dimensions: (1) health code violations, (2) staffing, and (3) overall quality.
If the ratings at your MIL’s current facility are not acceptable to your wife, I would help her focus her attention on finding a better facility for her mother.
Be sure to check the nursing home ratings vs rehab at the same facility. Sometimes institutions can have well run rehab units as they are a feeder mechanism for long-term care, but low quality skilled nursing care.
Nursing home transfers for Medicaid pending residents are incredibly rare and difficult to effect. In other words, once the Rehab facility moves her to skilled nursing, it will be incredibly difficult to make better arrangements for her. As others have mentioned with turning and skin care requirements, things can deteriorate for your MIL very quickly — literally within a matter of weeks.
Even private pay nursing home transfers are incredibly rare as one skilled care nursing facility does not want to inherit the problems created by another facility.
Better for your wife to put her attention where it belongs NOW, finding the best long-term solution for her mother and honoring her commitment to your marriage, than on a negotiation or escalating conflict between the two of you.
Right now, you/she still have time to get your MIL to a better quality facility (if necessary), maintain your own sanity and marriage, and show up as the hero to support your wife through this emotionally difficult transition and time frame.
Maybe where MIL is currently at is already 5 stars ⭐️ all around, and you can help your wife be the very best advocate for her Mom there, but more likely, it is less than 4 and 5 ⭐️ and she should focus her attention on getting her the very best care she can WHILE she has this window of opportunity.
A TRIAL.
Wife & MIL in your home.
Await her white flag.
Wife & MIL in a motel/air bnb. Await her white flag.
My suggestion is to talk directly to the rehab Social Worker.
* Explain your wife WANTS to provide the 24/7 care but is being unrealistic.
* Explain you have said No, MIL will not live with us.
Rehab facilities near me will set up a *Trail of Care* for families like this. In the Rehab facility first. Then, only if sucessful, for a 2 day home stay. ASK about this.
The would be caregiver is trained in transfers & does all care (feeding, washing, toilet hygiene). Everything but medication. A Nurse Manager said many are sittong in the corner crying within 2 hours.. but they KNOW, really know they can not taken them home.
In case you don't know this, the dating scene out there for middle aged folks is no picnic in the park. Complete happiness is a fallacy because 99% of the women you meet will have kids and 500 lbs of packed luggage ready to dump at your feet. It may make your other issues pale by comparison. Ya know, the grass is always greener on the other side analogy?
That said, why not try a trial run with mil moving in for, say, 2 months? Into your current home, as is, nothing changes. Your wife does all the caregiving, you go to work, and regroup for a meeting after the trial run expires. Your wife MAY just be willing to wave the white flag of surrender by then, if not sooner, and place her mother in managed care.
If so, you get to keep your house, your wife and your life.
If not, you'll be able to make an informed decision not made in haste or emotionally.
Good luck to you.
If there is enough money, this man may consent to paying for say a month or two of snf care. The wife can go sleep on the floor there if she wishes.
Trust your gut. If it was miserable before with short visits with MIL when she was presumably well and healthier, it WILL be miserable AND undoubtedly your marriage will eventually end anyway if you allow MIL to move in with you.
As another has pointed out, your wife will be in a worse position then as her mother will go into a Medicaid facility in crisis AND she will need to find a way to support herself and ONLY be able to help her mother in a very limited capacity due to time constraints of earning an income.
Since there is a language barrier for MIL, possibly also consider cross-cultural issues and expectations coming into play. Although my husband was born in Canada and raised in a Western culture and his mother was completely modern and independent from her roots (left home and country wo permission, had a career, would have never allowed her father to arrange a marriage, ultimately entered into an interfaith marriage), regarding elder care neither my husband nor she (my MIL) can escape the cultural expectations laid down centuries/maybe millennia ago.
LAST red flag “unwilling to even try to walk again.” If someone becomes uncooperative in their own care, it can take 2-3 people to do really simple daily tasks like administer eye drops. Your wife is not going to be capable of caring for her by herself in your home.
It may be heart-breaking for her, but your wife needs to come to terms with some dire circumstances.
I agree counselling may be in order, but frankly you don’t have enough time. Rehab is only 100 days max and that is WITH patient cooperation. Your MIL could be discharged in as short as 3 days if she is not making progress and applying herself to her PT and OT goals.
Is there someone at rehab w a medical background that can make a determination that MIL simply CAN’T return to a home environment? Does the rehab facility know your concerns about her moving in with you? If not, please advise ASAP as they need to be working on an appropriate long-term placement. Your wife’s hands will be full with coordinating care and helping with translation or devising communication methods. She can still be integral to her mother’s care and advocacy, but at least she — and you — will have a safe home for your own respite and your own healing.
This is no small matter. Take your concerns seriously.
Someone’s DH (dear husband) recommended that you move out temporarily to get yourself some headspace and allow your wife to see how life is on her own. Though it’s a creative idea and may seem tempting or liberating for you, I would NOT do that.
But rather, if necessary, allow HER some space to think through options at an AirBNB close to home. I would not give her the opportunity to change locks on you, move her mother in, and/or drain accounts.
Counselling after your MIL is settled in her new living situation may be helpful for you together, individually or both.
If she has limited savings she can likely qualify for Medicaid and a waiver once her funds run out. The cost doesn’t have to fall on you and your wife.
MIL get 24/7 care.
Wife can work.
Marriage kept.
Triple positive.
BUT I think for the wife to change her thinking - to ACCEPT this is the best option will be a huge challenge.
I mean.. does the wife any another other option? Live on the proceeds of her half of a divorce plus her Mother's pension & savings (if any) & live where?
Yes, you’re being selfish. So is your wife. So what. All living things are inherently selfish. Human beings can choose to rise above it but it’s still always there, lurking.
Is complete happiness something someone deserves or doesn’t deserve?
Are you saying that you WOULD be completely happy if you left your wife?
You say you love your wife and don’t want to leave her. Then don’t. You don’t have to buy a bigger house just because your wife insists. You don’t have to have your MIL move in.
You may have to deal with a not ‘completely happy’ wife if you just say “no” just like she is now dealing with an unhappy husband. But it doesn’t sound like either of you really cares very much about the happiness of the other at this point or you’d both be trying harder to find ways to compromise.
The black and white solutions presented in the question didn't make any sense to me. Especially the point about deserving to be completely happy. So simplistic.
Your wife can choose to live with her Mother... But this choice will bring consequences, ones she will not like.
eg 1. Major risk to her marriage.
2. Loss of paid work/career.
3. Loss of income, leading to possible real financial crises.
I picture this.. Mother moves in. You demand they both leave. Or you leave. Separate. If a home owner, force the sale of your home - or if renting, remove your name & income from the rental agreement.
Your wife is then *up sh1t creek* as we say here.
She will be forced to find & pay for somewhere else to live. As a fulltime caregiver. With no paid income.
Crazy.
Or is she expecting you to fully support her & her Mother? Pay for their food, bills, housing etc even if you separate?
More crazy.
No.
Your wife may LOVE her Mother. Care deeply & feel deeply obligated to provide the hands-on care herself. But love is not enough. Care is hard. It takes a village. And life costs money.
Your wife will need a better plan.
((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
Sadly, your wife has made her choice. She's hoping you'll change your mind and get on board aka "do this for me". Probably what happened to your mom, has made her fearful of losing her mom, so she wants to do all she can to help her mom live as long as she can.
Your MIL could live in a facility appropriate for her level of care needs .
Have you tried telling your wife “No your mother can not move in .”? Your wife does not get to make that decision for you . Both spouses should agree to a parent moving in , otherwise it should not happen .
You can try marriage counseling if you want to try to save the marriage . Make sure your inheritance is in an account only in your name . And go to a divorce lawyer for a consult without telling your wife and do whatever the lawyer says to do about your other bank accounts , in case you decide to go through with a divorce .
Sorry this happened . Good Luck .
Do not move your MIL into your home or buy one that she can move into, real bad idea.
Sending support your way!
If making this clear seems wrong, remember that she (and your marriage) deserve to realise just what is at stake. Keep it simple: "I am NOT going to live with your mother". No 'because' to argue about.
There may be two ways to bring this home to her. One is relationship counseling, the other is for you to act. Go to a divorce lawyer and serve her with papers (you can always back out). Get some printed information about financial splits on divorce, and ask her to read them and tell you her preferences? Put the house on the market? Move out and stop buying the groceries (food is a very quick motivator). Split any joint bank accounts or credit arrangements? Work out for yourself what would it would take for her to realise that this is serious, and that her choices do NOT include you 'giving in'. If you do end up splitting, none of this is a waste of time anyway.
Then there's this: we've already lived much longer than we anticipated/projected. I worry a LOT about what will happen to us if we outlive our resources. That said, when/if we do, there is Medicaid. Much as I hope to make my Final Exit before I get to that point, that's what it's there for. I am determined that our adult children will not jeopardize their well-earned retirement(s) to care for us. OP needs to save for his own retirement (whether or not he stays in the marriage). MIL needs to be placed where she can get the 24/7 care she requires, hopefully with her own resources for a while, if any, then Medicaid.
Then what? Who would be the caregiver for her mother? These are real life situations that you wife needs to take seriously and plan for such situations. Her mother will lose a daughter, and you would lose your wife.
Having an invalid live with you is a lot of work. Diapers need to be checked and possibly changed every 2 hours including overnight to prevent bed sores. Med management is a lot of work. Dental care is challenging when someone is housebound. Supplies are expensive. Chux (bed pads and adult diapers are expensive. Modifying the house for accessibility can be expensive (wheel chair ramp on exterior etc.) Are the doors in your existing house ADA width so that a wheel chair can get through.
We had paid for CNA's to care for Mom in her home but still it was exceptionally challenging for me. Even with paid for CNA's it was a lot of work for me.
DO NOT buy a bigger house and get in further debt for her Mother. I would make it clear she has to choose between YOU (her sole provider an husband) and her Mother. She is not a medical professional and should be realistic that this situation is not going to work and will likely cause a divorce. She will expect YOU to pay for it all, too. Since you have a career and inherited money, you are the Sugar Daddy. Plus facilities have staff that can speak other languages.
Did she help you with your Mom? Did your Mom live with you?
Her Mom may only live a short time longer in her condition. It doesn't sound good. Tell her NO. Mom needs medical personnel, equipment and treatment. Wife is not a doctor or nurse. She is in panic mode and needs to stop the ideas and is in no position to be a 24 hr caregiver, unless YOU pay for it. Facilities have 3 shifts to cover bedridden patients!
IMO, I would consider leaving and starting over myself, but that's me. American men don't jeopardize their careers with this stress! Tell your wife this is not fair to you, and you are the sole breadwinner. You will refuse to buy a bigger house or take her Mother in, and you are prepared to end the marriage.
If you allow it, it will end your marriage eventually anyway. There will not be a good or happy outcome, no matter what.
Lots of good advice is given. Pay close attention.
Sorry about your Mom.
If you all are in your 40's care of MIL could go on for decades.
Do not buy a bigger house. I'd suggest professional couples therapy for you and your wife.
Understand that it is a lot of physical work to care for someone who is bedbound in your home.
I'm assuming you are a male. You will be dragged into helping with the heavy lifting etc.
A non-nuclear option would be for for you to move into a small apartment while you are doing couples therapy but even with that you might want to consult a divorce lawyer before moving out of the home.
Your wife has apparently made her choice and it is her mother.
I, like you, would not choose this for my life, and it would be, for me, a deal breaker.
I would tell your wife that it's time now to visit an attorney for a legal separation and a division of assets. This will leave you with one half the assets you have during the marriage. You can force sale of home if you choose. Your wife and her mother will be left to live best they can together in an apartment. In one year's time, given things are unchanged I would move on to divorce. Dependent on how long your wife has been dependent on you you will likely be paying alimony for some time. Of course this is what comes when there is no understanding of where spouses stand regarding choices in future about children, about faith, about elders, and other basic things.
Sorry. Not everything can be fixed.
As I said, she has made her choice.
Taking on caregiving for someone when you don't wish to would make of your life a total 24/7 nightmare. Why would you choose to do that. I couldn't.
As to buying another home with more room? That has to be some sort of bad joke on the part of a wife who has been told that her mother isn't welcome in the CURRENT home.
I hope that you as a new member will fill in your profile if you plan on staying on the forum. I wish all of you the very best of luck going forward. I don't believe a life choice this large, when you stand opposed, can be worked out. One of you would come to dislike the other. I hope that you have no children.
She is bed bound, as it sounds, which would mean she would need constant care such as turning, changing diapers, skin care, feeding, bathing, preventing immobility problems such as pneumonia, etc. She may need to see a physician or dentist occasionally, necessitating transfers to those places. So much involved.
People new to this don't always understand just how demanding and draining this situation will be.
MIL not speaking English does add another facet of challenge to her situation.
Maybe help her look for any other solutions besides living with you. Maybe take her (your wife) to visit a good reputable facility so she sees they are not all awful. Find other posts dealing with the same issue from this very forum (and there's lots of them). They outline in painful detail how it did or is in the process of ruining marriages and children and finances.
Speaking of finances... does MIL have the funds to pay for a facility? This is something else that your marriage should not shoulder.
Your wife's mother now need to be placed in the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you and your wife can just be her loving family members and advocates.
I'd like to think that if your wife was presented with the options of either you or her mother that she would take you, but if she doesn't and only then you would have the right to move on with your life as a spouse MUST always put their spouse before any parent of family member.
And if her mother doesn't have money for her care then she'll have to apply for Medicaid as you and your wife are NOT responsible to pay for any of her care. that is on her and her alone.
It doesn't sound like you have a very strong marriage(I hope I'm wrong)so not sure how this will play out, but I do hope that your wife will pick you and not her mother when you present her with her only 2 options.