My 64 yr old mom wants to live with me and my family.
My mom is 64. I'm 40. She wants to live with me and my family “because she is lonely, sick and old”. She reminds me that she is sick and old every single day and thinks she is going to die soon and will never “live the life she always wanted”. (She survived breast cancer 15 years ago, and has a mild artritis.) She wants to be with us at our home and follows us everywhere: when we go to a boardwalk, playground, movies, restaurant or just visit our friends etc. When I try to “escape”, she gets offended and cries and says she is not needed and unwanted and she is a “burden”. She starts having fake heart attacks, claims she is about to die and so on. I feel guilty when she does that. My husband is there for me but he gets pissed occasionally. We let her live for 3-6 months with us here and there and then gently make her leave. It never goes easy since she gets so much offended and complaints to all my friends and tells stories about me and my husband. She travels like this between her home and our home since she was 50 and my father passed away. She has very negative view of life and people surrounding her, and expresses her negative opinions nonstop. She teaches me life and how I should upbring my little kids. When she lives with us she wants us to pay her expenses. She interferes with my chores and everything I want to do around my house. When I try to set the boundaries, she makes me feel very guilty and emotionally drained. I feel unhappy, and claustrophobic and I don't want to go home after work. I started using laxapro and xanox to fight my depression but the meds do not help the situation completely. I feel like I live in prison all these years and I cannot escape from it. What can I do?
Your main responsibility is to your own family, not your Mother.
She IS a BURDEN, and too young to be so overly needy. She must have other relatives to visit? She is NOT "sick and old" either!
Put a stop on Mom's regular lengthy visits. Go visit HER. Overwhelm her daily life a week or so! Drive her crazy, then leave!
Stop letting her come stay for several MONTHS....That is ridiculous!
Only ONE WEEK is plenty. Once a YEAR. Plan some family vacations of your own! Camping, national parks, beach house rental, Disneyland, etc.
Tell her your Doctor says you need to focus on your own family first.
Tell Mom she needs to volunteer, find a hobby or part time job, or move to a Senior Community and be around people her own age, with activities.
You aren't helping her by enabling her drama and intrusion into your own family life! Not fair to your family at all, since she misbehaves from visiting so long. Tell her you/Hubs have decided to plan some family vacations, so won't work with Mom coming for her extended stays for months, whether she pays or not. How can she leave her own home (and expenses thereof) to come visit for 3+ month "visits?" She cannot come along on these family vacations either, since she says herself she is "old and sick."
Your first responsibility/priority is Hubs and kids. Spending special times together, before they grow up and leave the nest! Feel guilty about burning your husband, not Mom.
Blame it on your Doctor's advice if she has a fit. Remind her you made vows to your husband, of course. There was a family meeting and the decision was made. The new deal starts in 2025.
You can’t fix her issues. She wants you as a savior, and you can’t be that. No one can. Remind her she isn’t old and needs to reach out to help loneliness.
Why would you feel guilty for her acting like she’s helpless and hurt? She is CHOOSING to act childish. You have nothing to do with how she tries to act.
She will throw a pity party, accuse you of not caring about her, etc. Tell her you love her enough to not let her rot away in your house.
But HOLD YOUR GROUND. The answer is NO!
I'd suggest Mom get a job.
Tell your mother “No, it is not convenient for you to visit us this year.” Practice saying it. Sure, she’ll blow. But you are not responsible for how she reacts. She is. Once she senses your boundaries are not negotiable, be vigilant. She may up her game. Arrive unannounced and refuse to leave. Create a crisis for herself, forcing you to get involved. (mine tried to kill herself for attention)
What have you got to lose? You have so much to gain by standing up for yourself and establishing boundaries. If she chooses to stay miserable, that is on her. But she is not entitled to ruin your life. Do this for your husband, your children and yourself. Your children may be little, but don’t kid yourself. They sense the tension and misery too. Mine did. Stand up to her and save your family.
Oh, and she’s old and lonely? One of the teams in our hockey league needs another player. She’d even meet some nice men. My husband (#2 - I was widowed younger than she was) has a herniated disc and I’m to have both knees replaced yet we’re still going strong. We’re about her age. Too old indeed!
If she's lonely, would she ever consider trying internet dating? Maybe she needs to focus on her mind, body and spirit - taking an exercise class, spa treatment, hair salon - a makeover? She needs to feel better about herself and take next steps. Is she active in the church - or can she volunteer - or pick up a hobby to meet people. She should move to a 55 plus community - she'd meet other people and get a social life.
What she's doing now is a formula to remain stuck and miserable - she needs to do the work and make a new life for herself. The longer she stays at your house, the harder it will be for her to cut the cord...I'd say give her some encouragement to get out there and do the opposite of what she's currently doing - which is just complaining!
Tell her that you're doing her a big favor by not allowing her to live with you - in the long run she'll have a life of her own and she'll be happier!
Use the word NO with your mother or face the possibility of being a vegetable like my friends husband, and a giant burden to YOUR children.
#Wake Up Call
After my father went into a NH, my 95 yo mother was alone in the house. She had three daughters, none of us offered for her to come live with us because she was a very difficult person to be around for a great length of time. The three of us felt a guilty about it but we knew that it simply would not work. We pursued other alternatives.
We felt this way about an elderly person with a single digit life expectancy. You could be looking at 30 years of dealing with this.
My Aunts mother used to visit her and one visit she got sick and never left. Those 3 to 6 month visits should stop. If you need to take medication because of Mom than stand up to the problem. When children leave the nest we as parents are no longer #1 in their lives. It's a new chapter in ours. You may need to be blunt to Mom. You love her but you cannot be all she has in life. She needs to make her own.
Just say no. The world will not come to an end. She will be mad and throw a fit...so what? Did you give into every demand your child made? Why is this different?
A previous poster was right, mom never matured into being herself, she identifies as being a wife and mother. By living with you she gets to be back in the mother role and BE IN CHARGE. That is not how it should work in YOUR house. When she does visit you need to make it clear that she is a guest, not a voting member of the household. Again she gets mad, so what? You are the one with the power. You have something she wants, not the other way around. She is counting on you being too afraid or too nice to stand up to her. If she accuses you of thinking she is a burden, own it. "Yes mom right now you are being a burden". She is counting on you to back down and give in. She won't know how to respond. She is counting on you being weak and giving in. That is not fair to your husband or child.
What mom needs is a metaphorical good, swift kick in the a$$. So give her one for her own good. My mother is exactly like you describe your mother only much older and has been this way since I was a little kid. The negativity, the neediness, the opinions, and all of the above. For many years I felt guilty like you do because I'd knock myself out and nothing was ever good enough or pleased her in any way.
I got married on Friday evening in a lovely ceremony at my home. My mother was not in attendance and not even told. Know why? She would have ruined it with a performance like my first wedding over 30 years ago. Best case scenario, she would instigate discord among the guests by starting with politics. Or there would be a staged "fall" or a fabricated health crisis where she'd have to go to the ER. Probably by ambulance for enhanced dramatic effect. Yes, she is old and has some health problems but this has been going on for half her life and certainly all of my life.
I don't a moment of guilt for not inviting her because I know what she does.
You know what your mother does too.
You and your family are not her caregivers. Nor do you have to be her entertainment committee. You cannot treat her "gently" because clearly she doesn't get the message. So you have to treat her bluntly. You and your husband as a united front (as mine and I had to do) tell her plainly that under no circumstances will she be living with you. Also, if she wants to be in your life and your family's then she better knock it off with the unsolicited opinions, advice, 'performances' (the fake heart attacks and other false health crises), and negativity or she will not see you or her grandchildren again. Then stick to it. This will put the brakes on her nonsense quick.
No more letting her visit for 3 and 6 months at a time. That is way too long. If she's coming from the other side of the world, then one month once or twice a year is more than enough visiting.
If you struggle with feeling guilty, find a therapist to work it out with but stop letting your mother hjack your life and your family's.
I’m thinking that your best bet is to go for counseling yourself. If you can toughen up, and recognise FOG for what it is, you should be able to deal with this a lot better. You may not “want to make anyone pissed” but you need to stiffen your spine, no matter how M feels about it. (By the wording where I am would be ‘make anyone pissed OFF”; being pissed means here ‘under the influence of alcohol’, which is confusing). You cannot change your situation without upsetting M, so stiffen up the sinews, summon up the blood, as Will Shakespeare wrote long ago. Get ready, because there may be few options until she turns 65. Good luck!!
Which I would guess a few on this forum do. 😂
You do not have to give a reason.
You do not have to explain.
"Sorry mom but you can't live WITH us."
"If you like we can find an apartment or condo that will be a bit closer to us" (notice I said "a bit closer" not closer" )
She should get involved in activities. Many Independent Living facilities organize trips, have activities she can get involved with. (a friend of mine moved into one and it is like a cruise ship on land, activities, buffet breakfast, lunch, dinner, there is always something going on)
If you do continue to let mom live with you for 6 months she should pay her own way. Tell her that ALL expenses will be split (if you have 2 kids then all expenses are split and she pays 1/5. And when I say ALL expenses she pays 1/5 the mortgage, house insurance, property taxes, gas, electric, garbage, sewer, water, food and anything else. AND she does her own laundry and cleans. Since you are working and probably paying for childcare during the time she is with you she can take over childcare. (I bet she won't stay long or often)
Having her with you is not good for your health you know that. You need to pull up your big girl pants and tell her. Easier said than done.
You are not obligated to becomer her PoA. When things get bad for her you can connect her with social services. She can be assigned a court-appointed guardian who will take care of paying for all her needs and manage everything without your intervention. This worked great with my jerk of a SFIL. He got what he needed and his wife could visit him whenever she wanted (he had Parkinsons).
The FOG effect is an issue you must deal with. I agree with therapy for you. May you receive clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you set and defend boundaries with her.
Learn about FOG, which means Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. From your post, it looks like your mother is trying to manipulate you using the FOG technique. The antidote to FOG is learning how to create boundaries. This is a good description:
https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
Some women subconsciously have a job for their children when they are born and that is to make mom happy. It's called old age insurance.
Set some boundaries. Manipulative people never like boundaries, but trust and believe, if the shoe were on the other foot, they would have no problem cutting us off. They manipulate and do these things because it works.
Was your mother always like this or did this behavior begin after your dad died?
I was widowed at age fifty nine. I grieved for months and my daughter never knew how miserable I was. I still live alone and work part time when I can. It hasn't been an easy journey but it was doable. I am surviving. I had others in my life to talk to.
I went to grief therapy and had a counselor who helped me navigate through these hurdles. Some raw emotions were just to heavy to place on my friends and some relatives.
Unfortunately, when I signed up for Medicare, my therapist didn't take this insurance even though I still had my other insurance.
Part of this is the senior parents refuse to do any kind of estate planning. The thinking is that if they do nothing to protect their assets, their family will keep them out of a "home" or they lose any potential inheritance. They end up getting placed anyway.
There was a novel I read years ago called, 'Like Water For Chocolate'. It took place around the early 1900's in Mexico. Anyway the matriarch was a nasty, vicious, violent woman who singled out one of her daughters to bear the most abuse.
The youngest daughter was never going to be allowed to marry or have any kind of life because she was expected to take care of the abusive mother in her old age until she died.
Hence, the old-age insurance policy.
I don't remember if the daughter actually ended up killing the mother or not. I have to read that book again.
Not that my mother wanted to move in, but her and my father gradually consumed my life. It was so gradually I didn't even realize it was happening.
It started during baseball, they went to every game, became friends with my friends, even did things with them. Complained to me if my sons white pants had Grass stains on them complained if the younger ones where dirty (at a dirt filled baseball game) . Mom would care a wet washcloth with her and wash there faces, when I wasn't looking.
After baseball it was soccer. My family became there happiness. Which was a way for her to control me. It was awful!!!
Please don't do what I did and not do anything, it totally ruined my life, and didn't help my marriage. Which is a whole other story, I had mom controlling , my ex-husband controlling me and them 2 silently working together to control me.
Don't make my mistakes, there will no doubt be a day that you are going to have to stick up for yourself, NOW is the day , not ten years from now after you completely mentally loose it.
Think about your family you are trying to build, think about your children your husband.
I advice you to get therapy now, to learn to deal with the guilt, now
Instead of latter.
Read Melody Beattys book "codependency no more"really helped me.
Best of luck, learn through others that have been there and listen to all the good advice
You didn't ask to be born, you didn't sign up for this, you where groomed from a young age to be what you are right now
Yes your mom is very young at the age of 64, and apparently never grew up or matured properly, and now wants to make you feel guilty for that and her unhappiness.
People like your mom will NEVER be happy and will(as you already know)suck the life right out of you. If she's lonely, well that is on her. There are many opportunities for her to socialize with folks her own age through volunteering, church, senior center and the like. You and your family are NOT her entertainment committee.
So now it's you that must put your big girl panties on and tell your mom that she no longer will be able to come live with you. Period. End of sentence.
If you still want her to visit occasionally, make sure that you put a time limit on these visits, but I wouldn't allow her in your home for more than a week or two tops.
You honestly don't owe your mom anything, but apparently she has made you to feel as if you owe her your life, which you don't. You owe your husband, marriage and children your life, not your mom. Again...period. End of sentence.
I am a young 64 year old(almost 65)like your mom as well, and a widow of almost 4 years now, and I would NEVER do to my children what your mom is doing to you.
My children deserve to have their own lives and it is up to me to make my life what I want it to be, not my children. And I stay very busy volunteering at several different places, going to church, and hanging out with my friends.
Perhaps it would be best that your mom now move into either an independent or assisted living facility where she will be around folks closer to her age and older(which since she acts older, she'll fit right in)where she can be as social as she wants as they typically have lots of activities going on.
And best of all she'll be out of your hair.
I wish you the very best in setting the much needed boundaries with your mom that should have been set many years ago. But better late than never!!
Start to break the cycle by going to therapy.
Encourage your mother to see a doctor for evaluation and treatment of her depression.
You can say to mom (on the phone)
"Mom, I'm sorry you're so unhappy, but you're unhappy even when you're with me. Please get some help for your unhappiness. I can't fix that--only you can."
She is already making you miserable with her Eeyore personality and her living with you will magnify that 1000%.
She could live another 40 or more years. Dont do this to yourself and your family.
And please stop moving her into your house for 3 - 6 months at a time because one day you might not be able to get her to leave. Why would you continue doing this when it makes you miserable and feels like you are in a prison?
If she is lonely encourage her to go to the senior center to interact with people. You are not required to entertain her.
When she starts with her fake dying act then call 911 and let the emergency room deal with her. It is sickening that your mother is so manipulative. Time to toughen up and stop allowing her to play these silly games.
While you miss the point, this will keep on going. For heaven’s sake, it’s been going on for years! You need to take charge of your OWN life. Do you want to live your life as stupidly as she does?