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My wife already has POA and takes care of bill paying (anything math related) Is an assessment required ? She is extremely hard headed and difficult and would not readily agree to an evaluation. Suggestions please.
Evaluations of mental capacity usually come from a doctor. Sometimes the evaluation is required to officially start up the POAs. But the suggestion to let her change her will on her own seems like a good one. Is she capable of making an appointment with an attorney, getting there on her own or having the attorney come to her, and communicating her wishes? Why is she telling you about this? Is she using this as leverage to get something from you? Is she dissatisfied about something? You might want to have a discussion first to try to find out if she is dissatisfied, or worried about something. Don't make promises you can't keep.
I am in agreement with Geaton777 's last paragraph - Let your mother seek out an attorney, make an appointment and get there without assistance. If she is able to do that, she may just be of sound enough mind to make any changes she wants.
Have you asked what changes she feels so compelled to make? Is it reasonable/ rational? If she is making a rational decision, but it is one you don't agree with, you can't prevent her from trying to fulfill her wishes. Does she want to add another person in her will because they have provided kindness to her? Does she want to donate to a charity that is important to her? Or does she simply threaten to cut you out of her will when you don't do something she wants?
Try and find out why this seems so important to her. Maybe she has forgotten she has a will and needs to see it, review it so she will feel better. We all find comfort in knowing our final wishes have been put into legal documents to be honored when we are gone. You can help put her at ease by helping her to feel good about what's going to happen with her estate when she is gone. Help re-direct any irrational requests, and help guide her to remember exactly what she has and who the important people are in her life.
If she forgets every day, then having a copy of her will next to her so she can review it every day could be all she needs to make her feel better. If she suggests changes, listen to her. Let her talk through her idea. That may be all that is needed, with no real action taken.
In my personal experience, whenever I took my very elderly Aunt to see her attorney they always took her into a room to privately interview her to assess her legal capacity and to make sure I wasn't there coercing her to make any changes.
They will allow for people with dementia to makes wills, amend trusts, appoint POA and Trustees IF they are capable of fully understanding what they are doing. When my brother was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's his attorney did a complete eval in order for him to make me his trustee and in order to appoint me POA and responsible for all financials. So it is a matter of knowing this woman, watching to be certain she suddenly isn't leaving a fortune to the Lonely Hearts Club and other odd intentions. But if she can pass with the attorney she can likely do some legal things.
An attorney will evaluate your mother in so far as her ability to change any will. We do not have to be fully without dementia or memory in order to change a will. We simply have to meet the legal definition of mental competency.
When you take mom to discuss with an attorney you will explain that you currently manage executive functions for her because of memory problems, but that she would like to change things in her will and you will count on him to examine her for mental competence under the law to do so.
At some point it will be necessary to have exam for competence in order to get your POA activated so as to protect mom from herself if she loses capacity. So call APS and ask them how you would go about conservatorship if you wish to have it and fear your mother now needs it.
Your mother is also of an age where at any point she may end hospitalized for one thing and another. As POA that is your opportunity to call in Hospitalist and Social Workers to ask for neuro-psyc evaluation while hospitalized. What mom wants and doesn't want at some point will become irrelevant. It will be about protecting her and keeping her safe if she fails.
I agree with Grandma1954. Your wife needs to read her PoA document to make sure she only needs 1 medical diagnosis from 1 doctor (some people put in 2...ugh!)
Yes to the therapeutic fiblet strategy. I've done this with both my MIL and my own 95-yr old Mom when getting her assessed to stop driving and also discretely telling her doc that I need a diagnosis on clinic letterhead that is signed in order to manage her affairs and get her appropriate care. Usually the doc and staff are happy to accommodate this. Your wife must go into the appointments with her (offer to hold her coat/purse, take notes because docs say a lot and talk fast, etc).
Once you have the eval or diagnosis in writing your MIL won't be able to make any changes.
I was able to get the written diagnosis for my Mom this past summer. I escorted her down to FL to visit her 105-yr old sister for over a month. I caught her packing her PoA, Will, car title into her suitcase. When I asked why she would do this she coily said, "Oh, I may want to change something." But I already had the written diagnosis so even if she re-packed it anything she changed would not be legally valid. I also called the FL caregivers (my cousins) in advance to warn them to not help her find any phone numbers of lawyers or to drive her there.
If your MIL has memory issues then whenever the topic of changing her Will comes up, you can redirect the conversation, distract her or pretend you got a phone call and just walk away. Do this every time she brings it up. If she has "capacity" to change her Will then she gets to do everything it involves: finding the lawyer, making and keeping the appointment, getting transportation there -- without your wife's involvement.
If you take her to a lawyer if the lawyer feels during a conversation with her that she is unable to make an informed decision the lawyer will not take her as a client. If she has seen this lawyer in the past he/she will tell mom that he is unable to make changes.
As to an assessment.... Because we are in the "Open enrollment" time for insurance you can tell mom that an annual Medicare exam is required to keep her insurance. Typically a mini mental exam is done. If you inform the doctor in advance that you suspect problems they may refer for further testing.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Have you asked what changes she feels so compelled to make? Is it reasonable/ rational? If she is making a rational decision, but it is one you don't agree with, you can't prevent her from trying to fulfill her wishes. Does she want to add another person in her will because they have provided kindness to her?
Does she want to donate to a charity that is important to her?
Or does she simply threaten to cut you out of her will when you don't do something she wants?
Try and find out why this seems so important to her. Maybe she has forgotten she has a will and needs to see it, review it so she will feel better. We all find comfort in knowing our final wishes have been put into legal documents to be honored when we are gone. You can help put her at ease by helping her to feel good about what's going to happen with her estate when she is gone. Help re-direct any irrational requests, and help guide her to remember exactly what she has and who the important people are in her life.
If she forgets every day, then having a copy of her will next to her so she can review it every day could be all she needs to make her feel better. If she suggests changes, listen to her. Let her talk through her idea. That may be all that is needed, with no real action taken.
When you take mom to discuss with an attorney you will explain that you currently manage executive functions for her because of memory problems, but that she would like to change things in her will and you will count on him to examine her for mental competence under the law to do so.
At some point it will be necessary to have exam for competence in order to get your POA activated so as to protect mom from herself if she loses capacity. So call APS and ask them how you would go about conservatorship if you wish to have it and fear your mother now needs it.
Your mother is also of an age where at any point she may end hospitalized for one thing and another. As POA that is your opportunity to call in Hospitalist and Social Workers to ask for neuro-psyc evaluation while hospitalized. What mom wants and doesn't want at some point will become irrelevant. It will be about protecting her and keeping her safe if she fails.
Yes to the therapeutic fiblet strategy. I've done this with both my MIL and my own 95-yr old Mom when getting her assessed to stop driving and also discretely telling her doc that I need a diagnosis on clinic letterhead that is signed in order to manage her affairs and get her appropriate care. Usually the doc and staff are happy to accommodate this. Your wife must go into the appointments with her (offer to hold her coat/purse, take notes because docs say a lot and talk fast, etc).
Once you have the eval or diagnosis in writing your MIL won't be able to make any changes.
I was able to get the written diagnosis for my Mom this past summer. I escorted her down to FL to visit her 105-yr old sister for over a month. I caught her packing her PoA, Will, car title into her suitcase. When I asked why she would do this she coily said, "Oh, I may want to change something." But I already had the written diagnosis so even if she re-packed it anything she changed would not be legally valid. I also called the FL caregivers (my cousins) in advance to warn them to not help her find any phone numbers of lawyers or to drive her there.
If your MIL has memory issues then whenever the topic of changing her Will comes up, you can redirect the conversation, distract her or pretend you got a phone call and just walk away. Do this every time she brings it up. If she has "capacity" to change her Will then she gets to do everything it involves: finding the lawyer, making and keeping the appointment, getting transportation there -- without your wife's involvement.
As to an assessment....
Because we are in the "Open enrollment" time for insurance you can tell mom that an annual Medicare exam is required to keep her insurance. Typically a mini mental exam is done. If you inform the doctor in advance that you suspect problems they may refer for further testing.