I am my father's caregiver, power of attorney, on his bank account. His cards continually get frozen due to fraudulent dating sites. What can I do?

Hi there Devonep! Caring for a loved one with dementia who is vulnerable to scams can be overwhelming. You're taking important steps to protect him, which shows how much you care. While it’s natural for him to feel frustrated or resistant, his safety must come first.
Here are some strategies that might help:

Limit Access to Financial Resources:
Consider keeping his credit and debit cards in a secure place, and if he insists on having a card, use a prepaid card with a low balance to minimize risk.
Many banks offer tools like spending limits or notifications for transactions, which can help you monitor his finances discreetly.

Redirect Behavior:
Blocking access to harmful websites using parental controls or filtering software can be a helpful preventive measure.

Try introducing safe online activities or hobbies to shift his focus from unsafe behaviors.

Use Professional Support:

Consulting with an elder care attorney is an excellent idea. They can help you set up legal protections like a power of attorney or conservatorship to safeguard his finances and decisions.

A geriatric care manager or social worker can also provide guidance on handling these situations effectively.

Seek Emotional Support:

Managing these challenges can take a toll on caregivers. Joining a support group or speaking with others who’ve faced similar situations can offer valuable
insights and emotional relief.

As POA you get paid to get expert advice.
You list this under dementia. If your father is incompetent you need to follow instructions on your POA papers to get made the SOLE signee on all accounts, get all bills sent to you, keep meticulous files on every penny in and every penny out of Dad's account, and give your Dad his own small spending account.
There will be NO CHARGE CARDS. They are done and cancelled as the POA.
This is a hard job and you will need to start with bankers who will only honor a GOOD SOLID POA, with phsyician's letters of dad's incompetence for executive functioning.

NOW, if the dementia is not severe and dad is still making his own decisions correctly in most things, then you need the attorney to assign you conservator for all executive functions.

Whatever the case, this is where the very hard work starts. You as POA have to protect Dad's assets even against him. GATHER ALL EVIDENCE of this. You need to see an Elder Law Attorney. Your father's assets pay for this, but again, you need to keep meticulous records.

You also may find ways to set up some computer blocking devises to lock things down as a start.

A pre-paid card is the way to go.

As POA it is your responsibility to protect him, even if it is from himself. I would hire an attorney and bring dad with you to the meeting. Explain the behavior and the financial implications, and provide the POA paperwork and the medical.paperwork with the dementia diagnosis. The attorney can explain to dad that the options are 1) no more dating site or 2) more aggressive financial management on your part as is your legal responsibility if dad has proven he is in competent to manage his finances.
This makes the discussion much less emotional, the attorney is simply explaining the issue, and consequences in a matter of fact manner to your dad.
Many times it's easier to have these conversations with a professional present.
You may be asked to take dad for a neurological evaluation to determine level of function to support incapacity.

@Devonep,

This is hard for you, and frustrating for your father, but you must take firm control of his finances and protect him from predators.

You would not willingly let a toddler play with razor blades even if the toddler is frustrated and screams bloody murder when you take them away.

Similarly, your dad will be frustrated when you take away his cc and debit card access, but it must be done in order to keep him safe.

You are in the right, and your actions come from love, so stay the course.

Sorry you are dealing with this, it is so very hard.

Yes, get w/an elder care attorney licensed where you/he live as each state is different.

The sad thing is, most states have a complicated approach to deeming a person to "lack capacity," thereby giving to another guardianship or conservatorship (different states have different terminology). It is not an easy process.

Baring a court determining the person "lacks capacity," technically that person with dementia can continue to make their own decisions (including making unwise spending decisions.) It is a bit maddening.

This zone of "not yet lacking capacity" can be a huge challenge. They still cannot be reasoned with or remember a promise to "not spend or go to a certain website," and there is little legally one can do. Instead, there is a lot of "behind the scenes" work you can do to help protect them.

If you can get on-line access to everything (all banking and/or financial institutions), all credit cards, medical, retirement and other accounts) that would be a first step so you can get into the back end of all accounts to see what is going on. Set it up with an email and password that YOU know and he does not. Then you can cancel and otherwise terminate things in real time.

Get his cell phone (if he has a smart phone) and computer; and start blocking, unsubscribing and moving "dangerous" things to spam.

I would tell my mom, there is a "system data breach" (these are reported all the time on the news) and there are a complicated sets of steps to fix this; just give me your phone and I'll take care of it. Then go in a block, delete, download an ad blocker, a spam text blocker, remove apps and block them. Etc. This may take several times to get a handle on it. Do the same for a computer if he has one OR buy a new tablet (set it up before with your access to see it all, and block stuff he generally wants to get to), give it to him for Xmas. You might consider the same with a phone, buy a cheaper smart phone but set it up ahead of time to limit access.

I did that for my mom, literally hid and deleted various apps and made the phone ONLY receive and make calls, to text, to see her photos and her gmail account. One can set time limits too.

Depending on where he lives (his own residence?), you can set up the router for his wifi to NOT allow certain things. This typically is call "parental control" to not allow young kids to get on adult websites. Talk with the service provider about how best you can set up "parental controls" on the internet service at his residence.

Good luck with this, it is a long journey. A journey neither we nor our LOs want to take.

You have poa - tins to exercise it
go into the bank with it and explain he’s now vulnerable and getting taken advantage and you want payment to dating sites refused on his account
I wonder how often dating sites want payment
he is an adult and I guess has ideas on meeting someone?
maybe the bank can produce another account and you put his pocket play money into it fur him to have his idea if recreational fun?
unless he’s joining loads ?
time for you to visit his bank with your poa and discuss with someone options to keep him safe bearing in mind he’s able to go to the branch
as for father
you tell him there are a lot of corrupt sites out there and the bank are now blocking them
you will gelp
him join one legit one
is also have something in his account about spending limits and security precautions that ensure you need to receive a text before anything’s authorised
i have that on my bank as a security measure and unless I out in the code they send to my phone the ose t doesn’t go through
worth a thought- good luck

Obviously, you need to confiscate all of his credit cards and possible any checks. Your father can easily be scammed since he is vulnerable. Your father needs 24 hour monitoring. I am sorry that you are having to plan future decisions for your father, but it's going to get worse. Please don't be in denial. I really hope you will receive proper guidance.

I went through this with my husband, too! In fact there were a couple of times he got in trouble when he got financially scammed and I happened to walk in on him when he was talking to the scammer. (This was THE moment that confirmed for me that something was wrong with him.) One guy convinced my husband he owed him money and got him to transfer funds ($10,000) from his line of credit. I marched my husband to the bank and met with the Asst. Manager. She said their fraud department had caught the “unusual transaction” and had already frozen the account. The manager flagged his account as an “Alzheimer’s account” and on their own began to flag transactions. I then contacted an elder care attorney and got Power of Attorney which allowed me to cancel his credit cards. He now has one debit card. Since I am on the account, I get notified of every transaction so I can keep on top of it.

He gave you POA to protect him. You should continue to do so by not giving him any credit cards or debit cards, and you keeping the one that you need to pay for his needs. as to dealing with his anger, he doesn’t have the capacity to be logical now, so change the subject and be kind. How is he going out to other banks to open new accounts? He shouldn’t be driving, as he is a danger to himself and others. Talk to his doctor about all of this and the doctor might change his medication to reduce his anxiety. Give him a wallet with his old drivers license that is expired, and a small amount of cash.

Take his credit cards away for starters. Then have new ones issued and put a password or passcode on them. This way they cannot be used unless the person trying to use them has the password or passcode

If he has dementia, how is he getting to the next town over? I truly hope for the sake and safety of the public that you're not allowing him to drive anymore.

You have to be the parent now and this is hard. He may very likely turn on you, but you love your father and have to do what's best for him even if he hates you for it.

What's best for him is no more access to money, checks, or credit cards. Limited and supervised access to the internet. You can get software installed on his computer that will not allow him to access dating sites or banking information. Another good idea (by Sohenc in the comments) is to set up emails and accounts with passwords that only you know. Does he live alone? He can't anymore if he does.

There's options though. Homecare, assiisted living, memory care. There's no reasoning with dementia. All you can do it take action. I wish you all the best.

All of these answers have value. One thing I got at the beginning of his symptoms was two letters from doctors stating that he was cognizant when we were doing the legal decisions. I needed professional confirmation of his status to make decisions. We used an attorney who had been doing our taxes for years and was aware of our finances. She made sure that I had all of the paperwork necessary to protect him. He had even received a scam estimate for his own funeral from the cemetery where his wife is buried. I went back with my POA and arranged and paid for his funeral expenses getting exactly what he wanted himself. They had given him an estimate of $14,000. I got the exact arrangements from the same place of $3500.
We have to protect them. They need their money to pay for their care as the disease progresses.

I am sorry about your father's situation with dementia. Freeze his credit in Three Bureaus.

My iPhone 13 will not open APPs unless a password is entered. Do not provide your father with any passwords. You have to take over managing his affairs.

I am sorry you are in this situation. However, he couldn't have chosen a better person, you, to help him through this difficult part of the journey of life.

Yes, freeze his credit. That will stop him from getting any more credit cards. Also contact an elder attorney to find out what you can and cannot do and what you need to do to prevent financial catastrophe.

I suspect you have electronic access to his bank accounts. if so, find out if there is a way to tell the bank not to issue any more debit cards on his accounts. For your piece of mind, talk to the banks to see what you can do to protect him from scammers.

Last, I suspect he has too much unsupervised time. See if you can enroll him in senior care. If you are not living with him, see if you can hire a caregiver. Clear his house of all valuables, if you haven't done that already, Take away his phone and turn off the internet so that he cannot use it while unsupervised. Give him a little time 2 times or 3 times a day...Let him grumble that he did not get everything that he wanted done.

And reach out to the dementia support groups in your area to see what help or assistance or ideas they have.

Your Dad seems to be in that gray area where he is still in control some of the time with his cognitive capabilities and other times, cannot make good judgement calls.

My Mom would do the same thing...get money, tell me not to tell anyone where it is, however, it is the first subject she would reveal with the caregivers.....then accuse them of stealing it. She did not remember that she told them; couldn't remember that she shoved the money in their face and said "take it, I don't need it".

Tough times for both you and him.

He has dementia, WHY (in the world) is he allowed to use the internet ? phone?
He blames you due to his dementia (you are his target / 'the enemy').

You do not understand what dementia does to brain cells (they die) and how parts of the brain 'work' or no longer work due to dementia. Google Teepa Snow and learn how to manage / communicate with a person inflicted with dementia.

"If" he is allowed to get on the internet, set up blocks.

Call phone companies and ask how they can assist YOU to block incoming calls and/or set up security to protect him / his use.

Call his bank or cr card ... and have them put blocks on - as needed.

Of course it will continue to happen. He cannot have access to these things since he doesn't have the ability to manage.

You need to take a very active role and learn more about dementia - so you can more effectively do this (for his protection and your well-being).

Never ever take anything personally that a person with dementia says / expresses. Yes, this can be very difficult to (not) do, esp with a family member however, you need to learn to set clear boundaries coupled with compassion. It is a dance and a learning experience that takes practice. None of this is easy.

It is really challenging at times. You do the best you can.

Tell him 'its broken' - xxx is working on it ... be it the phone (unplug it) - just have an emergency button for him to call you / 911 (if he can call 911) ... find ways to work around his dementia.

Gena / Touch Matters

Devonep: DO retain an attorney stat.

The dopamine is what he is after. He wants to feel better. Listen to some of the excellent podcasts on YouTube regarding dopamine such as Andrew Huberman or Peter Attia to gain more knowledge. Any addiction is a person seeking ways to raise their dopamine level. I think both these experts both have podcasts with Anna Limbke who has written a great book on the subject. “Dopamine Nation”.

https://www.amazon.com/Dopamine-Nation-Finding-Balance-Indulgence/dp/152474672X

If he is not on Wellbutrin already it might help him. Huberman has several podcast on dopamine. One of them mentions Wellbutrin as an aid.

As you learn more about dopamine you can influence him in subtle ways to increase his receptacles to receive more dopamine in safer ways that aren’t as harmful. You can learn which foods will help him, which activities can help. Also the really important thing to know is each time our dopamine level goes up it will go down to below baseline. It takes awhile to come back up to baseline. So while the rush he receives from the sites makes him feel better in the moment, he will feel worse afterwards and for possibly a few days while his dopamine struggles to return to baseline. This in proportion to the amount the activity raises it.

You ARE trying to control his life. Not for fun. You receive no pleasure from controlling him but because you are afraid for him and you feel responsible to protect him. Have that conversation. His trust in you will make all the difference as you manage his care.

He wants a fix of what he is addicted to. Don’t we all? Even thinking about getting that fix as he drives to the neighboring bank can increase his dopamine level. He has a monkey on his back. Abstinence will help him lessen the pull. Right now you are both focused on access to money.
The anticipation alone of getting that fix raises our dopamine levels. That is one of the reasons date night works or family reunions or meeting a friend for lunch or getting that next great novel in a series or gardening or cleaning our home or cooking a perfect pot roast or dancing or finding the missing puzzle piece. The search for dopamine makes us go to work to buy food for our family. It rewards us when we see their sweet faces and it makes us want to do it all over again.

It is not a moral failing. It’s part of what makes us tick. Some of us have it in abundance. It’s genetic to a degree. Some of us just don’t have that much or we have over indulged and it is not available.

As the gate keeper anything you do to keep him from his desire will be a problem. He found a way to raise his dopamine level but it isn’t sustainable on different levels so you are looking for a way to keep him financially solvent but he needs more than that alone.

Personally I would look for him a buddy to pal around with that understands his need to increase his quality of life. Senior centers for lunch is a great way for him to meet more people to interact with. Church is a way many people fill up their tanks and feel the energy of others. Petting a dog or maybe a cat is good for his gut microbiome as well as his serotonin and his dopamine and many other feel good benefits.

I would remove the computer/ipad/smartphone whatever he has access to for a few days to break the cycle. Do some research on how to block his ability to use a card for these type sites.

Have the tech expert teach you how to check his computer to see when he is searching so you can give him another needed break.

Remind him about how Nancy Reagan failed miserably with her “Just say no” campaign. That an addiction is hard to do with Will power only. He’s already failed at that and engaged in possibly risky behavior in going out of town. So abstinence is the next thing while he white knuckles it to sobriety from his addiction and at the same time incorporates healthier options to feel better.

Increase his socialization in ways he can replicate and you can support.

Get him a reloadable gift card from his fav credit card company - they look like a regular credit/debit card. Load it with a predetermined amount. When he uses the amount up for the week/month without mishap, you can reload more to his card. If it gets scammed. Simply get him a new one.

I am concerned that he is still driving. I’m sure that taking another thing away is the last thing you want to do as it will lead to more conflict. But I would at least ask his doctor about it. When my dad was doing what you describe with credit cards, debit cards, sneaking around with money, he also became an unsafe driver.

He also kept giving $ to random charities and canceled his and my mom’s Medicare advantage thinking they no long needed it! I was shocked. Just telling you to beware.

good luck!

 "Today he went to the next town over and got another debit card." Dad should not be driving. If he can navigate public transportation on his own, you should have an app on his phone to be able to track him. If he wears a watch a smart watch will also enable this.

He might need memory care. To make it difficult for him. If he never did this, freeze his credit reports and hide the passwords. He should not be able to open new accounts