He has dementia. He has been warned over and over that this site is a scam and not to put his credit card number on this site.. he says he won't and then he does. This happened about four times. I canceled both his cards. Again Went Got a card for me to hold on to not to give it to him. I've not used it yet. I don't want to lie to him but if I tell him he'll want it. He says he'll keep going to the site. He's not going to stop. Today he went to the next town over and got another debit card. IHis local branch wouldn't give him one. I Immediately paused it on the app on my phone.hebdoesnt know.. He's very mad at me.. It's become very difficult. He's treating me like I'm the enemy . Says I'm taking over his life.whatbto do? I realize I need to get an elderly care attorney.. Just wondered if anyone had any suggestions.
You list this under dementia. If your father is incompetent you need to follow instructions on your POA papers to get made the SOLE signee on all accounts, get all bills sent to you, keep meticulous files on every penny in and every penny out of Dad's account, and give your Dad his own small spending account.
There will be NO CHARGE CARDS. They are done and cancelled as the POA.
This is a hard job and you will need to start with bankers who will only honor a GOOD SOLID POA, with phsyician's letters of dad's incompetence for executive functioning.
NOW, if the dementia is not severe and dad is still making his own decisions correctly in most things, then you need the attorney to assign you conservator for all executive functions.
Whatever the case, this is where the very hard work starts. You as POA have to protect Dad's assets even against him. GATHER ALL EVIDENCE of this. You need to see an Elder Law Attorney. Your father's assets pay for this, but again, you need to keep meticulous records.
You also may find ways to set up some computer blocking devises to lock things down as a start.
Yes, get w/an elder care attorney licensed where you/he live as each state is different.
The sad thing is, most states have a complicated approach to deeming a person to "lack capacity," thereby giving to another guardianship or conservatorship (different states have different terminology). It is not an easy process.
Baring a court determining the person "lacks capacity," technically that person with dementia can continue to make their own decisions (including making unwise spending decisions.) It is a bit maddening.
This zone of "not yet lacking capacity" can be a huge challenge. They still cannot be reasoned with or remember a promise to "not spend or go to a certain website," and there is little legally one can do. Instead, there is a lot of "behind the scenes" work you can do to help protect them.
If you can get on-line access to everything (all banking and/or financial institutions), all credit cards, medical, retirement and other accounts) that would be a first step so you can get into the back end of all accounts to see what is going on. Set it up with an email and password that YOU know and he does not. Then you can cancel and otherwise terminate things in real time.
Get his cell phone (if he has a smart phone) and computer; and start blocking, unsubscribing and moving "dangerous" things to spam.
I would tell my mom, there is a "system data breach" (these are reported all the time on the news) and there are a complicated sets of steps to fix this; just give me your phone and I'll take care of it. Then go in a block, delete, download an ad blocker, a spam text blocker, remove apps and block them. Etc. This may take several times to get a handle on it. Do the same for a computer if he has one OR buy a new tablet (set it up before with your access to see it all, and block stuff he generally wants to get to), give it to him for Xmas. You might consider the same with a phone, buy a cheaper smart phone but set it up ahead of time to limit access.
I did that for my mom, literally hid and deleted various apps and made the phone ONLY receive and make calls, to text, to see her photos and her gmail account. One can set time limits too.
Depending on where he lives (his own residence?), you can set up the router for his wifi to NOT allow certain things. This typically is call "parental control" to not allow young kids to get on adult websites. Talk with the service provider about how best you can set up "parental controls" on the internet service at his residence.
Good luck with this, it is a long journey. A journey neither we nor our LOs want to take.
If he has dementia, how is he getting to the next town over? I truly hope for the sake and safety of the public that you're not allowing him to drive anymore.
You have to be the parent now and this is hard. He may very likely turn on you, but you love your father and have to do what's best for him even if he hates you for it.
What's best for him is no more access to money, checks, or credit cards. Limited and supervised access to the internet. You can get software installed on his computer that will not allow him to access dating sites or banking information. Another good idea (by Sohenc in the comments) is to set up emails and accounts with passwords that only you know. Does he live alone? He can't anymore if he does.
There's options though. Homecare, assiisted living, memory care. There's no reasoning with dementia. All you can do it take action. I wish you all the best.
We have to protect them. They need their money to pay for their care as the disease progresses.
This is hard for you, and frustrating for your father, but you must take firm control of his finances and protect him from predators.
You would not willingly let a toddler play with razor blades even if the toddler is frustrated and screams bloody murder when you take them away.
Similarly, your dad will be frustrated when you take away his cc and debit card access, but it must be done in order to keep him safe.
You are in the right, and your actions come from love, so stay the course.
Here are some strategies that might help:
Limit Access to Financial Resources:
Consider keeping his credit and debit cards in a secure place, and if he insists on having a card, use a prepaid card with a low balance to minimize risk.
Many banks offer tools like spending limits or notifications for transactions, which can help you monitor his finances discreetly.
Redirect Behavior:
Blocking access to harmful websites using parental controls or filtering software can be a helpful preventive measure.
Try introducing safe online activities or hobbies to shift his focus from unsafe behaviors.
Use Professional Support:
Consulting with an elder care attorney is an excellent idea. They can help you set up legal protections like a power of attorney or conservatorship to safeguard his finances and decisions.
A geriatric care manager or social worker can also provide guidance on handling these situations effectively.
Seek Emotional Support:
Managing these challenges can take a toll on caregivers. Joining a support group or speaking with others who’ve faced similar situations can offer valuable
insights and emotional relief.
go into the bank with it and explain he’s now vulnerable and getting taken advantage and you want payment to dating sites refused on his account
I wonder how often dating sites want payment
he is an adult and I guess has ideas on meeting someone?
maybe the bank can produce another account and you put his pocket play money into it fur him to have his idea if recreational fun?
unless he’s joining loads ?
time for you to visit his bank with your poa and discuss with someone options to keep him safe bearing in mind he’s able to go to the branch
as for father
you tell him there are a lot of corrupt sites out there and the bank are now blocking them
you will gelp
him join one legit one
is also have something in his account about spending limits and security precautions that ensure you need to receive a text before anything’s authorised
i have that on my bank as a security measure and unless I out in the code they send to my phone the ose t doesn’t go through
worth a thought- good luck
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