I (31) live with my grandmother (85 in Jan) and am her caregiver, although for the most part she takes care of herself (feeds herself, can clean herself, etc), at least for now. The overall plan is that as she needs more help I will provide it (I was a caregiver for my 94 yr old great aunt with dementia for several years) but for now, I just do basic chores, take her to the doctor, and do little things to help her out when needed.
I work from home and we generally have compatible co-habitation styles. The one issue, which I now see is a very common issue, is the so-called "thermostat wars." Thankfully, I run pretty cold and am pretty comfortable at 74-75 (what we set it on last year), but this year, she keeps bumping it up to 76 or 77 and it's making me miserable.
I finally broke down crying and told her I couldn't live like that, and she agreed to keep it no higher than 75. But for the last week every day I've woken up sweating in bed with the heat turned up to 76 or even 77. When I remind her of our deal to meet in the middle, she claims she never agreed to that (she doesn't have memory problems or dementia) and that it's her house and she shouldn't have to freeze. It's like she agrees to compromise in the moment but when it comes time to actually give an inch she pretends we never had the discussion.
I agree and don't want her to be cold, but the issue is that every solution I come up with she rejects outright. She has a heated blanket (she can't lay flat anymore so she sleeps on a reclining loveseat in the media room) and a heater in her bathroom but she complains she doesn't want to have to wear the blanket all the time or use the bathroom heater and she told me I should just sleep with only a sheet instead of my relatively thin comforter. She refused to use a space heater despite my constant assurances that they are much safer now than they used to be and are not a fire risk. I suggested closing the vents in my room and above my "desk" (our kitchen table) and she finally let me do it but got angry at me for always "messing with the house." I suggested we have the doctor check her thyroid levels again in case her current dose isn't cutting it (I know untreated hypothyroidism causes excessive coldness) and she got angry. I suggested we see if she was anemic and she got angry. I once floated getting me a window unit and she got mad because she thought it would make us more likely to have a break-in.
Every single potential solution or compromise I come up with makes her angry. It's starting to put a strain on our relationship and I don't know what to do. She's my best friend and favorite person in the world, and I don't want to fight with her but what's the alternative when we hash things out but then only I abide by the compromises we've mutually agreed on? I finally ordered a Dyson dupe fan for my desk area (there's not really room for it but I'll make it work), and my mother and I managed to convince her an infrared heater was totally safe and I'm hoping once it comes in she actually uses it (a risk is that she'll again change her mind and refuse) and that it helps her be more comfortable, but I'm scared that as she gets older she's going to get continually colder and colder and need it to be hotter and hotter until I really can't handle being in the house at all, like some other posters have said happened with their parents.
I guess the advice I'm looking for is what to do when your elder becomes randomly unreasonable about an issue and refuses to consider any solutions besides getting exactly their way with 0 compromise? We almost NEVER argue about anything else. Again, she does not have dementia. She's completely lucid with no memory issues, just randomly unwilling to follow through on any compromise when it comes down to it, no matter what we had previously agreed.
If GMA flips her wig about an open window, buy yourself a portable air conditioning unit. They work a charm. So does a gallon zip loc baggie filled with ice laid over you. I grew up in a tiny house w/o A.C. and I was absolutely miserable.
Maybe GMA is choosing this hill to die on because she's got no tolerance whatsoever for feeling cold, as I have no tolerance for feeling hot. She's just too set in her ways to change her thinking right now, so YOU find some clever work arounds since moving out is not an option.
Good luck to you.
You already know that reason and discussion hasn't changed her mind, therefore a sign on the thermostat won't work: verbal words haven't worked, so written words won't either.
You can get a free-standing AC unit for your bedroom so you can at least sleep in a cool room.
The older she gets, the colder she gets. My MIL kept her house at 80º and she wasn't even in her 80s yet.
Get your Gramma checked by her doctor for other medical issues that may cause her to feel cold:
Anemia
Raynaud's Syndrome
Diabetes
Peripheral artery disease/poor circulation
Low body fat
Kidney disease
Vitamin B12 deficiency
Dehydration
Now let's talk about her behavior.
"Behavioral changes associated with dementia typically become consistent over a period of several years, often appearing most noticeably during the middle stage of the disease when cognitive decline is more pronounced, meaning the changes may not be immediately apparent but gradually progress as the condition worsens; however, the exact timeframe varies significantly between individuals depending on the type of dementia and the progression rate."
This is a forum of seasoned caregivers, most of us have seen this progression in our LOs. I'm sorry but behaviorally your Gramma is showing early signs. By time she is consistently forgetful, consistently unreasonable, consistently stubborn and argumentative, and consistently unsympathetic she is already in the *middle* stage. Dementia isn't a line that she steps over: one day she's "100% lucid" and the next day not. It's very gradual, taking years for close loved ones to notice.
At the same time she is getting checked for those other causes of being chronically cold, she should be given a cognitive and memory test by her doctor. At the least to have a baseline measurement in her chart. Medicare allows 1 free wellness check every year and after age 65 they will ask you if you want the cognitive test. I had mine (I turned 65 this year) and said yes to the test.
I'm thinking that by time you became your great Gramma's caregiver she was well into her dementia so you never saw it happen gradually. This is what's happening to your Grandma.
Basically you are now gradually transitioning from housemate/"Granddaughter" to live-aid who is bartering room and board for caregiving services. You don't see that now but we on this forum do. I strongly recommend you search on this forum for other posts that discuss this arrangement because they usually don't end well. If you are not made the PoA for your "Grandma" you will have a very difficult time helping her manage things (like her finances) when you have no legal authority to do so.
And if you aren't getting paid for this work at all or "above board" then no money is going into your own social security account, and you're not getting 40 quarters of work history so you can get Medicare at 65 (not sure how much PT work contributes to this). Please go forward with your eyes wide open. A lot can go wrong in your future if you don't do some research and think about your own future (since you don't/won't have kids of your own to help you, either.)
I'm glad you have such a sweet relationship with your Granny but she won't stay the same forever. None of us do if we live long enough.
OP , doctors often don’t believe someone has dementia until they are well into it .
People can still pass the mini cog tests for quite some time depending on the type of dementia . My Mom’s memory was good . But her vascular dementia made her totally unreasonable . And it starts off as like you said unreasonable about one thing , then it’s another and another and so on .
It might be a good idea for you to start exploring other living arrangements for in the future though. Have you ever been independent and lived on your own? Or had one with a romantic partner? It's nice to be in charge of your own place or to be a relationship living with someone who is your equal.
Here's a little F.Y.I. for you. Old people get ornery over nothing simply because they can or they resent being old. Even when they don't have dementia. I was a caregiver for 25 years and now operate an agency. I would say in all that time I knew very few elderly people who didn't complain over nothing, didn't make mountains out of molehills, and didn't get ornery for the sake of being ornery. I remember all the elders I knew who were cool like this because they were so rare.
Start looking to get your own place. Do you really want to become a caregiver again if your grandmother suddenly gets dementia? It can happen fast, my friend. You know that life because you lived it taking care of your great-aunt with dementia. Do you really want that again?
At your age you should be on your own working and enjoying life. Not petty squabbling back and forth all day long with an 85-year old about the heat. What if you have a date and want to ask them in? At your grandmother's house? You won't be young forever. Go make the kind of life a 31-year old person is supposed to have.
As to moving, this was my home from 18 into my early twenties and it just made sense for me to move back in after my grandpa died in 2017. I enjoy living here and this is my home, it will also be my home after she passed as it is deeded to me.
I lived a wild life when I was younger and now I’ve settled down and enjoy being “boring” now - my main hobbies are reading and playing video games, both of which are at home activities. I don’t even like going places in general unless I have to, I am very much a homebody.
If things get bad I’m POA and we’ve discussed that I would need additional help if she got to the point of needing extensive 24/7 care because I can’t lift her myself. I was added to the bank accounts last year to be able to pay for that if it comes up, we’re just not there yet.
I appreciate you mentioning that not everyone who gets grumpy/unreasonable is showing signs of dementia because you’re the first to say so and I genuinely don’t think that’s what’s going on here - I’ve been on high alert worried it might happen and monitoring her extensively.
That being said , no matter what the cause of her stubbornness is , this is not working for you .
If I were you , I would get out of this plan to be her caregiver .
We convinced her to try an infrared space heater since they’re much safer and I got a tower fan that I can move between my bedroom and “office” in our dining room and these two things have made all the difference! Peace has been restored and we haven’t had any “thermostat wars” in the weeks since! <3
This is her house and as long as she is paying the bills she should be able to keep the thermostat set at what is comfortable for her.
There are medications that can make you feel much colder. Blood thinners is one example.
There are medical conditions where your personal thermostat is out of whack and you feel cold all the time.
There are room "air conditioners" that you could put in your room or rooms where you are most of the time so that you can adjust the temperature for you.
Lastly if none of this works for you it might be time to realize that this is not going to work and you need to find another place to live and grandma might need another caregiver.
As she gets older her circulation will diminish and she will feel colder and will need more heat to make her feel comfortable, this is not going to improve.
Personally at your comfort temp of 74 to 75 degrees, I could not handle that. I live in the upper mid west and during the winter when the furnace is on I have my thermostat set at 62 to 65 and 65 is getting hot for me!
My take on this is: you can always add a layer of clothing to get warmer, you can't do much if you're overheated.
I keep our house at 68-69. My DH is freezing all the time, but I am the one doing the housework and keeping the place going, he spends most of his time in his recliner. SO--when he's 'cold' he pulls on a sweatshirt or grabs a blanket. I go barefoot (that helps me to cool down).
I also 'chill out' our bedroom before bed, I open the windows and get it nice and cold, then when we go to bed, I shut the window. He's learned to grab a blanket or sleep with socks on. Sometimes I fill a hot water bottle for him. Or he can take a quick hot shower before bed.
Sometimes I sleep with a small fan aimed just at me. Worst case, I go to the spare room in the basement where I can open a window all night.
He's retired and does basically nothing all day. I am still as active as always with housework and all the 'stuff' that comes with caring for a home & spouse. If he is too cold, he COULD get up and turn up the thermostat, but he won't even do that.
If I keep the house at 74-75, the way he'd like it, I'd be sweating through my clothes all day. Our compromise is that if I do all the housework, cooking & he watches TV all day then I get to call the shots on the temps.
Your grandma can always add a blanket, or a shawl to keep warm. If she is not moving around much, she's going to be considerably colder than someone who is expending energy by moving around.
This was a battle that was lost with both my mom and DH's mom. They wanted their homes at 75-78 and they got that. I could only be in my mom's place for 1/2 an hour and I was sweating and sick. Oddly, my DH did complain about his mom's place being too hot, when he wanted our house at 75, that was fine. To have his mom insist on 75 degrees in her place, he was overheated. I know this is b/c he was moving around and doing thigs, not just laying in a recliner.
In my opinion, gma needs to respect that you are the one doing all the 'stuff' and your voice should be the one that is listened to, as far as heating & cooling. Add some weighted blankets to the pile for her...make sure she has thick socks on and even invest in a good hot water bottle.
I feel your pain. This is a battle being fought in every country in the world, I swear.
I feel your pain though. I am on meds that make me very hot and I can’t go over to my MIL’s house because of this.