About 8 months ago, my MIL came to live with us. My SO had an “at-a-distance” relationship with his mother. He left her home at 13 due to her abusive behavior. MIL has had issues with men not being faithful, so all of her life she has always been intimidated by other women, including her own sister. Since the arrival of my MIL, I have been accused of stealing everything from her dentures (that she wears everyday) to a button. We decided to put a camera in her room to prove that no one is going into her room and taking her stuff, but that didn’t work. When we show her the recordings, she says I am finding another way to get past the cameras. My SO had to call the law last week because she picked up a knife and was charging at us. She spent 1 day in the hospital. I need help trying to find ways to cope. I am always the “problem” in her eyes. Our home was a loving, happy home and now not so much. My SO is sick, he can’t eat, he looks pale and our relationship is starting to suffer because he is always on edge and snaps easily. I know its super hard for him because it's his mom, and I’m not trying to make this about me. I just don’t know how much longer I can be the punching bag. Any advice? No judgment, please. TYIA.
Which begs the question, WHY???? No wonder he snaps easily, he has an unhinged mother living in his home now and his love relationship is hanging by a thread as a result of his poor decision.
You don't need coping mechanisms or to figure out how not to take her actions personally.....bc if you go to the ER with a knife sticking out of your gut, that's another level of pain and anguish to worry about!
Tell SO mom's gotta go. Get her diagnosed and see what type of placement she needs first, then help her get it. A nursing home with Medicaid you can help her apply for is probably best. It sounds like she needs a psych evaluation at the ER which you can get for her next time she threatens you. Then refuse to take her back home. The hospital will have to find placement for her, in that case. Betcha she's got a case of advanced dementia going on.
Good luck
You are not the reason she should be taking out her trust and hostility issues on you.
SO needs counseling to deal with his childhood trauma. You can stick around for him if he gets help. If not, start making arrangements to leave. You cannot allow someone like this to take you hostage and abuse you. If you do, you are participating in your own abuse.
Put all the knives and forks away. From now on, your house is spork only.
Put cameras up through the common areas, and Wear them too.
When she accuses you of stealing, say that there is not honestly one thing of hers that would be worth stealing.
Minimize if not eliminate any alone time with her. She has a doctors, you can’t drive her. Be at work or otherwise unavailable, same as SO. And when you’re home, you guys take your pizza or whatever into your bedroom with a lock to prevent her entry.
She probably will go ballistic, but what you’re aiming for is a controlled explosion in which she tirades herself into calling the cops herself ideally. In which case you stay like a cucumber and say you’re not the one whose been waving a knife.
WHY did she come to live with you eight months ago? - what happened that made it necessary, and what/who made your husband and you believe that it was your responsibility?
Domestic relationship + Menacing with a weapon (usually) = arrest.
That notwithstanding - you ask how to "cope" with this violent person. You don't. You don't even try to. This "how do I cope?" nonsense sort of inadvertently puts the responsibility of this woman's actions onto YOU, and this is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's not SO's fault, it probably isn't even MIL's fault, but it certainly isn't yours, and to insinuate that you need "better coping skills" and then all of this will be ok is an extraordinarily dangerous way to think! You'll "cope" yourself into a significant injury, or - heaven forbid - an early grave.
It's a terribly sad thing that your MIL has some sort of mental illness, and that you and he want to help take care of her is admirable. But a mentally ill person can kill you every bit as dead as a career felon can.
Based on her extreme threats to you (and yes, being come at with a knife is an extreme threat) you and SO need to take extreme action and get MIL out of the house and into a facility that can control her illness. This is so far out of the realm of a "layperson", it's ridiculous. This isn't about changing poopy depends, or temper during sundowning. This is a dangerous situation, and you need to remove yourself from it.
Show your SO this post. Tell him that you both need to acknowledge that his mom needs more help than either or both of you together can possibly give her and take definitive steps to get her that help - outside of your home.
Please do this sooner rather than later, for your own safety.
You should have refused to take her back sighting you were afraid for your lives and safety. I thought the Baker Act was a 72 hour Psychic hold. One day is not enough time to evaluate someone. If she gets violent again, call the police and have her removed. Tell them she cannot return. If you get calls telling you to pick her up say No, she is a danger to you. That the State can take over her care. Do not allow anyone to talk you into caring for her.
What talking did you do about trying this out, the three of you together?
Given the long family history I would guess that it may have been a possibility in your minds that this would not work out, and it looks like it has not worked well for you and SO.
I believe I would start with sitting down with SO and discussing start to finish what the plan is now. Acknowledge that this is not comfortable for you in your own home, and that SO is actually becoming ill from it. Then you will have to make choices and decisions on how to work forward for your own lives, because--you see-- your SO's Mom has already had her one life, and this is now yours.
For me, I would start by telling my SO that I love him very much and that we have had happy lives. I would say that from what I can understand his life with his Mom has NOT been happy. And from all you can see your lives TOGETHER with his Mom will not be. So you are down to Mom must live on her own or in placement OR Mom stays with you. I would explain that if he chooses his Mom I would be forced to leave. I would still care about him, would be his friend, would hep out with a grocery trip or a home-cooked meal here and there, but that I would move on with my life.
Of course there is no judgement from US about how YOU live your life moving forward. That is purely your own choice for your own life/lives. I can only wish you the very best and let you know that not everything can have a perfect rosy,--movie- ending outcome. We both know life doesn't work like that. Some things end up messy and imperfect. We do the best we can WITH our own lives and FOR our own lives, because it's the only life we will have.
My very best out to you all.
Are you afraid that your SO will choose his mother over you?
It is not fair to you or to her to attempt to care for her in her current setting,
Since she has clearly indicated that she is a significant risk to herself and those who are attempting to care for her, you need to proceed as outlined by BarbBrooklyn.
A consultation with a lawyer might be a good next step for you and your SO.
Please don’t continue to live this way while trying to maintain a situation that is really not fair to any of you.
You SO's mother sounds as though she may be seriously mentally ill and/or have dementia. She is not rational. Caring for someone like this at home can/will destroy your mental and physical health.
Time to make another plan.
The next time she acts out, call 911. Tell them she is a danger to herself and others--DON'T ALLOW HER BACK. Do NOT pick her up from the hospital.
Alow her to become a ward of the state.
A couple of other suggestions--
In the meantime, contact NAMI in your area and find out what resources they can offer. They may have support groups you can attend.
Find out which hospitals in your area are affiliated with psychiatric units. That's where you want her transported.