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The sad truth is that you cannot, because of all the things this disease has robbed your mom of, the ability for rational thinking and understanding is but one.
She cannot understand you. It will be a waste to try to make her understand. You will have to learn her new world and who she is within it, and have acceptance of what can be changed and what cannot.
I am so sorry. This is so hard. You aren't alone. It can be so frustrating to lose the person we had and be left with this new person we have to get to know.
You can't and never will make her accept it. Often denial is part of the disease of dementia. Denial from the person with it and also denial from family and loved ones of the one with dementia. Don't try and argue with your mother about it as you will never win. Her brain is now broken and will never get better, only worse. You have to now meet her where she is at, in her world not yours. Please educate yourself as much as possible about dementia as it will help you better understand what your mother is going through. I always recommend the book The 36 Hour Day, along with Teepa Snow(a dementia expert)who has lots of great videos on YouTube and has several good books on it as well.
Treat her with the same kindness you'd show someone with a mental disability, because that's where she is now. It's so hard, accepting that she is no longer the mom you knew, and my heart goes out to you.
Suspicion, anger and denial are all, sadly, typical of Alzheimer's. Try to soothe her, and even agree with her… "I know, but for now, let's just do X and we'll figure it out later, okay, Mom?" Or, "I'll talk to her and make sure she gives back whatever she stole."
It'll save you a lot of mental energy and friction. Take good care of yourself in this hard time.
Denial is also part of the disease. Paranoia, confabulation, instigating, lying and slandering their family and caregivers can be part of the disease too. Your mother is not going to accept that there's anything wrong with her. Everything will always be someone's fault. When she can't remember where something is, if she even had it, or if it's from 50 years ago that will be your fault or someone is stealing from her. There's no reasoning with dementia. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years mostly to elderly. The only way to deal with the repeating is to answer her a few times and then stop. Do not answer again. Completely ignore the subject. The constant repeating is a dementia loop. Ignoring the subject of the loop is the only way to possibly break it. Next, her doctor will be able to prescribe some anti-anxiety medication for her and she needs it. The paranoia and working herself up over nothing will only get worse. Ask the doctor to prescribe something she can be given as needed. Don't argue with her and don't try to reason with her. It's okay to go along with a harmless delusion but not one that isn't. If she making up stories that aren't true but are harmless, that's different. I worked for a client with dementia who swore she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. So we went along with it. If she starts accusing you or anyone else of abuse, or hitting her, or anything else harmful correct her every time. Don't get angry just tell her that's not true and let that be the end of it. Do not discuss it with her. I hope for your sake that your mother has caregivers coming in and that you're not covering all the care on your own.
Simply -you can't. Paranoia is part of it. It would help you to learn about the disease and techniques for coping with people with the disease. Teepa Snow has videos which have helped many. Contact an Alzheimer's Association for information. https://www.alz.org/
It is impossible to explain anything to dementia. Even if you could it would soon be forgotten. It is your job to explain to others to just go with the flow. Good luck and stop trying to explain.
And as Golden said, paranoia is just part of the disease. No getting around it.
If only. I'm sorry for your loss... yes that is what it really is. Your mother is not being defiant. She truly does not recognize that she has a disease that steals her memory and destroys her judgment. You will be fighting an endless battle if you try to reason with her. You will need to now become extremely creative in the ways you communicate with her. I wish you luck and patience.
So sorry you are dealing with this, this disease is maddening to all living with it or trying to help a LO with it.
But as others have said, it is NOT possible to "make" them understand, see, accept, and then remember any of this! This is the very nature of dementia; their brains are NOT working because the very parts of their brains required to remember, understand, accept, etc are damaged by the disease. Like asking a blind person to see the lovely blue sky; asking a person with dementia to accept, understand, have awareness of or remember anything about their illness is a futile endeavor.
Many with dementia (all forms) have Anosognosia, read more about that here:
Sadly it will get worse: the confusion, lack of awareness, memory issues, ability to reason, the ability to recognize loved ones, even the ability to talk/communicate or walk. It is a very tough pill to swallow; to see someone decline in this way and so slowly over time.
I hope you and your family have in place the necessary documents such as a durable financial and medical power of attorney (POA) that does NOT have to have any "capacity or lack there of determination" to trigger it! Ditto for other end of life stuff -- Advanced Directive, Wills/Trust, etc. -- is all worked out. Hope you and your family can discuss and have a plan on how the care for your LO will be handled as your LO declines. Sadly it is often NOT possible to handle their care as this awful disease progresses, so talking with others in your family and your support network all along is helpful and to know when it is time for additional care or facility care.
Try not to beat yourself up about this, this disease is at fault. You can set limits for what you can and cannot do. Honestly, it is very hard if not impossible to handle this solo w/o others (aides) or facility care (adult day care, memory, skilled nursing, etc). Hope you are taking care of yourself too, you have to do that too!
Best wishes for this journey that no one wants to be on.
What exactly are you trying to achieve by telling your mother that she has been diagnosed with dementia? There is no cure.
You will never be able to convince her and even if you could, it would not transport her back to clearheaded logic and thinking.
My mother has no idea that she was medically diagnosed with dementia. She has no idea that she has edema in her feet, hypothyroidism, is aged 96, that her parents are dead, etc.
My mother has no idea that she has already asked the same question 14 times within the past 20 minutes.
These dear souls live in a different reality and trying to jog them out of it just upsets everyone.
You can’t. By trying to make her understand you, you are causing fear, frustration, and anger. She has probably been hiding the fact that she is having problems for some time. That’s what people with dementia do. If she asks why she is having trouble remembering just tell her it’s old age, and we will all experience it if we live long enough. Her old reality is slipping away and it will be replaced with a very different person, one who needs reassurance. So, as this progresses you will have to step into her new reality and appear to be accepting of what she says and what her fears are. Be patient, calm and then distract with something she likes to eat or do. I strongly advise you to go on youtube.com and watch videos of Teepa Snow, an expert on dementia. You can learn a lot, especially how to cope with a dementia victim.
I agree with what others have said. As counter-intuitive as this sounds, sometimes it just doesn't pay to try to reason with people with dementia. It can be useless and futile, not to mention aggravating (for caregiver and patient alike). When my Alzheimer's-ridden mom would "accuse" people of coming through a second story window to steal her coffee, (because she forgot that she had already finished it), I used to try to impose the truth on her, but the more I learned about the disease,and with her doctor's guidance, I just went with the flow (of the coffee, or lack thereof, and any other issues that came up). I told the nurse at the doc's office that what my mom was saying (regarding the coffee and other things) wasn't the truth, and she said, "But it's 'her' truth." My mom would make up stories (confabulation). I never heard that term until fairly recently. I started to write down funny and not-so-funny things that happened to us when Hubby and I were taking care of her. We got used to her paranoia, accusations, etc. I found that writing things down, along with going for walks, either with her, (since she was a wanderer), or without her,helped. My musings became a book:"My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (My mom and dog were diagnosed with their respective health issues around the same time, and I was taking care of both of them.) I almost feel that every college (or maybe even high school), should have a required course in caregiving. Hope these suggestions help.
You can’t ask her to understand something she isn’t capable of grasping. In your mind you are trying to reason with your mom, but your mom is not the same mom anymore. You are now trying to reason with dementia. And that is impossible. I have learned to just run with what my father is saying and try to calm him from there. He will call me screaming that he can’t find his phone (yes, the same phone he is speaking to me on) and sometimes he can’t find “the old cat”. Well, “the old cat” died a couple years ago and there is no point in explaining that he is speaking to me on his phone so it isn’t lost. Instead I just say, “oh dad, I’m sorry to hear that”. “We will find both of them tomorrow.” And then try to pivot to something else that his brain can grasp.
Maybe tell your mom, “Well that’s terrible that someone stole your coffee. I’m sorry about that. We will catch him next time. Here let’s get you another cup.”
If someone with dementia is hallucinating they are seeing a pink elephant in the room, your job is to say, “Isn’t it pretty. And so friendly too.”
You get my drift. Don’t try to reason with a broken brain. It will just break yours in the trying.
Never give credibility to a possibly dangerous delusion. If no one is actually stealing, do not be in agreement as if someone was. When mom starts about someone stealing her coffee, she should be told that no one is stealing her coffee. It was misplaced and then if possible get her another coffee. Never go along with ranting and raving either. That only re-enforces their conviction that it's true. It's okay to go along with harmless delusions. Like the eldelry dementia client I had to thoght she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. We humored her and it made her happy.
She is most likely not able to remember enough to accept … she will live in an alternate reality… my mother did … best to go along with the fantasy … join her in her reality as best you can …she will be increasingly like a child… distract & let her go along as best she can. There are many stages … music & memories are the best! And as things progress and get really difficult … medication helps…. Made a big difference in my mother’s health, safety & attitude.
In the reality she lives in , there is NOTHING wrong with her . It is NOT denial it is something called ANASAGNOSIA. I live with someone that has it . He has mid to late dementia, but believes he is fine . He can not use a phone or remote, he no longer drives , He has problems walking and speaking. He repeats questions over and over again . He has a 2 minute memory. There is no way to change his mind. He lies to the doctors and calls me crazy when I tell them the truth . BUT, he can not help it , HIS BRAIN IS BROKEN . It is me that has have to change . I now go with the flow . With her diagnosis , I suggest to find a good Caretakers meeting . It has helped me so much with understanding what is going on with my loved one. That knowledge has helped my maintain my own health and well being while tending to him ..
Continue to argue and that will be your whole day. She will never accept. She may also have a UTI. Have her checked for that. My Daddy thought I was trying to poison him... turned out to be a UTI.
"Continue to argue and that will be your whole day." Ohwow323
Perfect! This is my new motto for everything dementia related................I don't want to spend my life victimized by disease, mine or anyone else's.
So many life and death lessons here, on this forum. I have been wearing a DNR bracelet for an about a year now. I have met with an Elder Law Attorney and a regular attorney to get my medical and end-of-life choices so that no one has to take care of me if disabilities consume me. I have signed up for Neptune Society so that no one has to go shopping at a mortuary and will take advantage of the Death With Dignity option to end a miserable existence where life used to dwell. I hope I die in my sleep and don't have to guilt my loved ones into being beasts of burden.............when the body needs to quit, I want to be left alone and in peace (Hospice if I can't get out quickly my way).
You are talking to a broken brain. Stop telling her she has dementia because she may hear you say it, but the disease is she forgets what you told her. What you see and hear from her is just part of the disease.
Change the way you talk to her. No point in trying to argue her thoughts back to reality. You stress yourself and her. Perfect examples of real life situations: She thinks someone stole her car keys when in fact she didn't put them back in usual place. She says her deceased first husband sat on a tree limb in the front yard all day watching her through the window. She tore the paper off several rolls of quarters and then says someone stole her rolls of quarters. You can try to explain reality all you want, but her brain believes what her brain believes.
If she doesn't remember something you told her, repeat it. Apologize that perhaps you forgot to tell her. Apology goes a long way to keep things calmer. Go along with the little things. What difference does it make. Those around her have to change their approach because her brain can't tell her it isn't working properly anymore.
You can't. You try to deal with her reality without getting into an argument or trying to convince her otherwise. Forget reminding her or trying to convince her. That will do noting but frustrate you and upset her. And I would tell others that are trying to convince her that they should stop.
First I had to learn to stop pointing out to my Dad that he was repeating himself and forgetting key things. Second, I had to stop rationalizing and explaining to him why he was wrong. #argueconstantly Third, I had to stop correcting him when he combined events from 1945 with events from 1975. Lots of good feedback here. I hope this sets you on a path to a more peaceful relationship with your Mom.
Not sure if this was previously mentioned, but please watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube..she has lots of excellent practical strategies for dealing & coping with dementia behaviors and personalities. As stated "their brain is broken": they will constantly repeat questions, forget they asked it 2 seconds ago and even blame you for something they misplaced, etc. You can't "make" them do anything. Teepa offers great techniques for achieving successful outcomes. Goos luck 🙏
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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She cannot understand you. It will be a waste to try to make her understand. You will have to learn her new world and who she is within it, and have acceptance of what can be changed and what cannot.
I am so sorry. This is so hard. You aren't alone. It can be so frustrating to lose the person we had and be left with this new person we have to get to know.
Don't try and argue with your mother about it as you will never win. Her brain is now broken and will never get better, only worse.
You have to now meet her where she is at, in her world not yours.
Please educate yourself as much as possible about dementia as it will help you better understand what your mother is going through.
I always recommend the book The 36 Hour Day, along with Teepa Snow(a dementia expert)who has lots of great videos on YouTube and has several good books on it as well.
Suspicion, anger and denial are all, sadly, typical of Alzheimer's. Try to soothe her, and even agree with her… "I know, but for now, let's just do X and we'll figure it out later, okay, Mom?" Or, "I'll talk to her and make sure she gives back whatever she stole."
It'll save you a lot of mental energy and friction. Take good care of yourself in this hard time.
Your mother is not going to accept that there's anything wrong with her. Everything will always be someone's fault. When she can't remember where something is, if she even had it, or if it's from 50 years ago that will be your fault or someone is stealing from her. There's no reasoning with dementia.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years mostly to elderly. The only way to deal with the repeating is to answer her a few times and then stop. Do not answer again. Completely ignore the subject. The constant repeating is a dementia loop. Ignoring the subject of the loop is the only way to possibly break it.
Next, her doctor will be able to prescribe some anti-anxiety medication for her and she needs it. The paranoia and working herself up over nothing will only get worse. Ask the doctor to prescribe something she can be given as needed.
Don't argue with her and don't try to reason with her. It's okay to go along with a harmless delusion but not one that isn't. If she making up stories that aren't true but are harmless, that's different. I worked for a client with dementia who swore she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. So we went along with it.
If she starts accusing you or anyone else of abuse, or hitting her, or anything else harmful correct her every time. Don't get angry just tell her that's not true and let that be the end of it. Do not discuss it with her.
I hope for your sake that your mother has caregivers coming in and that you're not covering all the care on your own.
It's difficult, but we caregivers need to accept this is how it is. And figure out how to work with it.
I learned so much. Like patience with questions, and not saying 'no' but 'maybe later'. And not arguing but redirecting, etc.
And as Golden said, paranoia is just part of the disease. No getting around it.
You will be fighting an endless battle if you try to reason with her. You will need to now become extremely creative in the ways you communicate with her. I wish you luck and patience.
But as others have said, it is NOT possible to "make" them understand, see, accept, and then remember any of this! This is the very nature of dementia; their brains are NOT working because the very parts of their brains required to remember, understand, accept, etc are damaged by the disease. Like asking a blind person to see the lovely blue sky; asking a person with dementia to accept, understand, have awareness of or remember anything about their illness is a futile endeavor.
Many with dementia (all forms) have Anosognosia, read more about that here:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-dementia-patients-cant-recognize-impairment-210090.htm
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22832-anosognosia
Sadly it will get worse: the confusion, lack of awareness, memory issues, ability to reason, the ability to recognize loved ones, even the ability to talk/communicate or walk. It is a very tough pill to swallow; to see someone decline in this way and so slowly over time.
I hope you and your family have in place the necessary documents such as a durable financial and medical power of attorney (POA) that does NOT have to have any "capacity or lack there of determination" to trigger it! Ditto for other end of life stuff -- Advanced Directive, Wills/Trust, etc. -- is all worked out. Hope you and your family can discuss and have a plan on how the care for your LO will be handled as your LO declines. Sadly it is often NOT possible to handle their care as this awful disease progresses, so talking with others in your family and your support network all along is helpful and to know when it is time for additional care or facility care.
Try not to beat yourself up about this, this disease is at fault. You can set limits for what you can and cannot do. Honestly, it is very hard if not impossible to handle this solo w/o others (aides) or facility care (adult day care, memory, skilled nursing, etc). Hope you are taking care of yourself too, you have to do that too!
Best wishes for this journey that no one wants to be on.
You will never be able to convince her and even if you could, it would not transport her back to clearheaded logic and thinking.
My mother has no idea that she was medically diagnosed with dementia. She has no idea that she has edema in her feet, hypothyroidism, is aged 96, that her parents are dead, etc.
My mother has no idea that she has already asked the same question 14 times within the past 20 minutes.
These dear souls live in a different reality and trying to jog them out of it just upsets everyone.
Peace.
Maybe tell your mom, “Well that’s terrible that someone stole your coffee. I’m sorry about that. We will catch him next time. Here let’s get you another cup.”
If someone with dementia is hallucinating they are seeing a pink elephant in the room, your job is to say, “Isn’t it pretty. And so friendly too.”
You get my drift. Don’t try to reason with a broken brain. It will just break yours in the trying.
Never give credibility to a possibly dangerous delusion. If no one is actually stealing, do not be in agreement as if someone was.
When mom starts about someone stealing her coffee, she should be told that no one is stealing her coffee. It was misplaced and then if possible get her another coffee.
Never go along with ranting and raving either. That only re-enforces their conviction that it's true.
It's okay to go along with harmless delusions. Like the eldelry dementia client I had to thoght she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. We humored her and it made her happy.
Perfect! This is my new motto for everything dementia related................I don't want to spend my life victimized by disease, mine or anyone else's.
So many life and death lessons here, on this forum. I have been wearing a DNR bracelet for an about a year now. I have met with an Elder Law Attorney and a regular attorney to get my medical and end-of-life choices so that no one has to take care of me if disabilities consume me. I have signed up for Neptune
Society so that no one has to go shopping at a mortuary and will take advantage of the Death With Dignity option to end a miserable existence where life used to dwell. I hope I die in my sleep and don't have to guilt my loved ones into being beasts of burden.............when the body needs to quit, I want to be left alone and in peace (Hospice if I can't get out quickly my way).
She isn't the person you once knew and never will be again. Go forward with that in mind, and lower your expectations.
I'm so sorry, and I understand the frustration.
https://www.alzconnected.org/uploadedFiles/understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf
Change the way you talk to her. No point in trying to argue her thoughts back to reality. You stress yourself and her. Perfect examples of real life situations: She thinks someone stole her car keys when in fact she didn't put them back in usual place. She says her deceased first husband sat on a tree limb in the front yard all day watching her through the window. She tore the paper off several rolls of quarters and then says someone stole her rolls of quarters. You can try to explain reality all you want, but her brain believes what her brain believes.
If she doesn't remember something you told her, repeat it. Apologize that perhaps you forgot to tell her. Apology goes a long way to keep things calmer. Go along with the little things. What difference does it make. Those around her have to change their approach because her brain can't tell her it isn't working properly anymore.
You try to deal with her reality without getting into an argument or trying to convince her otherwise.
Forget reminding her or trying to convince her. That will do noting but frustrate you and upset her.
And I would tell others that are trying to convince her that they should stop.
Goos luck 🙏