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Treat her with the same kindness you'd show someone with a mental disability, because that's where she is now. It's so hard, accepting that she is no longer the mom you knew, and my heart goes out to you.
Suspicion, anger and denial are all, sadly, typical of Alzheimer's. Try to soothe her, and even agree with her… "I know, but for now, let's just do X and we'll figure it out later, okay, Mom?" Or, "I'll talk to her and make sure she gives back whatever she stole."
It'll save you a lot of mental energy and friction. Take good care of yourself in this hard time.
Denial is also part of the disease. Paranoia, confabulation, instigating, lying and slandering their family and caregivers can be part of the disease too. Your mother is not going to accept that there's anything wrong with her. Everything will always be someone's fault. When she can't remember where something is, if she even had it, or if it's from 50 years ago that will be your fault or someone is stealing from her. There's no reasoning with dementia. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years mostly to elderly. The only way to deal with the repeating is to answer her a few times and then stop. Do not answer again. Completely ignore the subject. The constant repeating is a dementia loop. Ignoring the subject of the loop is the only way to possibly break it. Next, her doctor will be able to prescribe some anti-anxiety medication for her and she needs it. The paranoia and working herself up over nothing will only get worse. Ask the doctor to prescribe something she can be given as needed. Don't argue with her and don't try to reason with her. It's okay to go along with a harmless delusion but not one that isn't. If she making up stories that aren't true but are harmless, that's different. I worked for a client with dementia who swore she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. So we went along with it. If she starts accusing you or anyone else of abuse, or hitting her, or anything else harmful correct her every time. Don't get angry just tell her that's not true and let that be the end of it. Do not discuss it with her. I hope for your sake that your mother has caregivers coming in and that you're not covering all the care on your own.
You can’t ask her to understand something she isn’t capable of grasping. In your mind you are trying to reason with your mom, but your mom is not the same mom anymore. You are now trying to reason with dementia. And that is impossible. I have learned to just run with what my father is saying and try to calm him from there. He will call me screaming that he can’t find his phone (yes, the same phone he is speaking to me on) and sometimes he can’t find “the old cat”. Well, “the old cat” died a couple years ago and there is no point in explaining that he is speaking to me on his phone so it isn’t lost. Instead I just say, “oh dad, I’m sorry to hear that”. “We will find both of them tomorrow.” And then try to pivot to something else that his brain can grasp.
Maybe tell your mom, “Well that’s terrible that someone stole your coffee. I’m sorry about that. We will catch him next time. Here let’s get you another cup.”
If someone with dementia is hallucinating they are seeing a pink elephant in the room, your job is to say, “Isn’t it pretty. And so friendly too.”
You get my drift. Don’t try to reason with a broken brain. It will just break yours in the trying.
Never give credibility to a possibly dangerous delusion. If no one is actually stealing, do not be in agreement as if someone was. When mom starts about someone stealing her coffee, she should be told that no one is stealing her coffee. It was misplaced and then if possible get her another coffee. Never go along with ranting and raving either. That only re-enforces their conviction that it's true. It's okay to go along with harmless delusions. Like the eldelry dementia client I had to thoght she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. We humored her and it made her happy.
The sad truth is that you cannot, because of all the things this disease has robbed your mom of, the ability for rational thinking and understanding is but one.
She cannot understand you. It will be a waste to try to make her understand. You will have to learn her new world and who she is within it, and have acceptance of what can be changed and what cannot.
I am so sorry. This is so hard. You aren't alone. It can be so frustrating to lose the person we had and be left with this new person we have to get to know.
What exactly are you trying to achieve by telling your mother that she has been diagnosed with dementia? There is no cure.
You will never be able to convince her and even if you could, it would not transport her back to clearheaded logic and thinking.
My mother has no idea that she was medically diagnosed with dementia. She has no idea that she has edema in her feet, hypothyroidism, is aged 96, that her parents are dead, etc.
My mother has no idea that she has already asked the same question 14 times within the past 20 minutes.
These dear souls live in a different reality and trying to jog them out of it just upsets everyone.
In the reality she lives in , there is NOTHING wrong with her . It is NOT denial it is something called ANASAGNOSIA. I live with someone that has it . He has mid to late dementia, but believes he is fine . He can not use a phone or remote, he no longer drives , He has problems walking and speaking. He repeats questions over and over again . He has a 2 minute memory. There is no way to change his mind. He lies to the doctors and calls me crazy when I tell them the truth . BUT, he can not help it , HIS BRAIN IS BROKEN . It is me that has have to change . I now go with the flow . With her diagnosis , I suggest to find a good Caretakers meeting . It has helped me so much with understanding what is going on with my loved one. That knowledge has helped my maintain my own health and well being while tending to him ..
You can't and never will make her accept it. Often denial is part of the disease of dementia. Denial from the person with it and also denial from family and loved ones of the one with dementia. Don't try and argue with your mother about it as you will never win. Her brain is now broken and will never get better, only worse. You have to now meet her where she is at, in her world not yours. Please educate yourself as much as possible about dementia as it will help you better understand what your mother is going through. I always recommend the book The 36 Hour Day, along with Teepa Snow(a dementia expert)who has lots of great videos on YouTube and has several good books on it as well.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Suspicion, anger and denial are all, sadly, typical of Alzheimer's. Try to soothe her, and even agree with her… "I know, but for now, let's just do X and we'll figure it out later, okay, Mom?" Or, "I'll talk to her and make sure she gives back whatever she stole."
It'll save you a lot of mental energy and friction. Take good care of yourself in this hard time.
Your mother is not going to accept that there's anything wrong with her. Everything will always be someone's fault. When she can't remember where something is, if she even had it, or if it's from 50 years ago that will be your fault or someone is stealing from her. There's no reasoning with dementia.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years mostly to elderly. The only way to deal with the repeating is to answer her a few times and then stop. Do not answer again. Completely ignore the subject. The constant repeating is a dementia loop. Ignoring the subject of the loop is the only way to possibly break it.
Next, her doctor will be able to prescribe some anti-anxiety medication for her and she needs it. The paranoia and working herself up over nothing will only get worse. Ask the doctor to prescribe something she can be given as needed.
Don't argue with her and don't try to reason with her. It's okay to go along with a harmless delusion but not one that isn't. If she making up stories that aren't true but are harmless, that's different. I worked for a client with dementia who swore she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. So we went along with it.
If she starts accusing you or anyone else of abuse, or hitting her, or anything else harmful correct her every time. Don't get angry just tell her that's not true and let that be the end of it. Do not discuss it with her.
I hope for your sake that your mother has caregivers coming in and that you're not covering all the care on your own.
Maybe tell your mom, “Well that’s terrible that someone stole your coffee. I’m sorry about that. We will catch him next time. Here let’s get you another cup.”
If someone with dementia is hallucinating they are seeing a pink elephant in the room, your job is to say, “Isn’t it pretty. And so friendly too.”
You get my drift. Don’t try to reason with a broken brain. It will just break yours in the trying.
Never give credibility to a possibly dangerous delusion. If no one is actually stealing, do not be in agreement as if someone was.
When mom starts about someone stealing her coffee, she should be told that no one is stealing her coffee. It was misplaced and then if possible get her another coffee.
Never go along with ranting and raving either. That only re-enforces their conviction that it's true.
It's okay to go along with harmless delusions. Like the eldelry dementia client I had to thoght she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. We humored her and it made her happy.
She cannot understand you. It will be a waste to try to make her understand. You will have to learn her new world and who she is within it, and have acceptance of what can be changed and what cannot.
I am so sorry. This is so hard. You aren't alone. It can be so frustrating to lose the person we had and be left with this new person we have to get to know.
You will never be able to convince her and even if you could, it would not transport her back to clearheaded logic and thinking.
My mother has no idea that she was medically diagnosed with dementia. She has no idea that she has edema in her feet, hypothyroidism, is aged 96, that her parents are dead, etc.
My mother has no idea that she has already asked the same question 14 times within the past 20 minutes.
These dear souls live in a different reality and trying to jog them out of it just upsets everyone.
Peace.
Don't try and argue with your mother about it as you will never win. Her brain is now broken and will never get better, only worse.
You have to now meet her where she is at, in her world not yours.
Please educate yourself as much as possible about dementia as it will help you better understand what your mother is going through.
I always recommend the book The 36 Hour Day, along with Teepa Snow(a dementia expert)who has lots of great videos on YouTube and has several good books on it as well.
It's difficult, but we caregivers need to accept this is how it is. And figure out how to work with it.
I learned so much. Like patience with questions, and not saying 'no' but 'maybe later'. And not arguing but redirecting, etc.
She isn't the person you once knew and never will be again. Go forward with that in mind, and lower your expectations.
I'm so sorry, and I understand the frustration.
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