Hi all:
I recently posted that I was the primary caregiver for my 94-year mother for 10 years (during which time her health declined). I helped her age in her apartment until 2 weeks ago when she finally moved to a retirement home in another city (5 minutes from my sister’s place). I am relieved to have relinquished the role of caregiver, and am now free to move forward with my retirement/life.
I now see my sister dealing with the weight of our mom’s issues, and can only offer limited support. I live 1.5 to 2 hours away—this is actually a very good thing as lack of proximity prevents me from stepping back into the quicksand of caregiving. There is a gravitational pull when you live in the same city as an aging parent that has ceased since she moved away.
I’m glad to be free again after 10 years: it comes with guilt, however. I am wondering if anyone can offer thoughts on how to best navigate these early days of post primary-caregiver life.
My wife and I took care of her mother for 27 years. The last 2 years has seen a significant decline due to Alzheimer's. It became too difficult to continue to care for her and take care of ourselves. We put her in a long-term care facility with a memory unit even though we said we would never do that. For my wife she has never done anything more difficult in her life (except maybe dealing with me LOL). Once my wife saw that her mom adjusted well to having others around her like her, my wife was able to start letting go. It takes time. Sharing what you are feeling with others helps considerably.
Keep focusing on yourself and keep sharing. The guilt WILL lessen. May your future be blessed with peace.
My definition of grace is your own consciousness giving yourself approval to be content and happy in any given situation!
May you and your family be blessed💕
I can’t really give you advice other than to remind you that if you were not a loving daughter and sister you would be doing backflips of joy right now. The conflicted feelings you’re having are completely normal and healthy for one who cares.
Bless you! I can identify. I cared for my dad for over 20 years after my mom died. He just moved to a facility 6 months ago. I felt guilty for a long time and still do at times. I will share something that my therapist told me: She said there is a difference in feeling guilty and being guilty. I had never thought of it this way. You did everything you could for your mom for 10 years so you are not guilty but because we are humans we often feel guilty for no reason. It is hard but just try to keep reminding yourself of all that you did for your mom. That is what I do. I know I did all I could until it became too much for me and he needed 24 hour care.
Since you are not the primary caregiver to your mom anymore, think of how you can support your sister in this new role she has. Give a little love, time, or help that does not lead you to getting burned out.
Obviously it's not a perfect fit to your experience, but the bottom line is that it is normal to feel some basic strong emotions in a situation like this: grief and guilt, and a sense of freedom. Grief/guilt because of what we did or didn't do, and freedom because now we have much more of it again.
Here's a link to the study if you're interested. It's quite lengthy, but the abstract at the beginning does summarize well. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8226602/
From my personal experience, this is how I handle(d) feelings of guilt, overwhelm, exhaustion --- all wrapped up into one emotional bundle.
* FEEL it. Whatever you are feeling, go deeper into it.
- Do not push feelings away as they are giving you (needed, emotional) information for your healing benefit.
- Pushing away makes them stronger.
* INCORPORATE MEDITATION into your daily life - even 10 m a day can / will make a difference. Google Rick Hanson ... Join us Wed nights Zoom 6pm for his amazing meditation and dharma talk. He is a neuro-psychologist (brain plasticity) and Buddhist scholar. He wrote Buddha Brain, Just One Thought - and many other books. A really good man.
* UNDERSTAND what's behind the guilt(y feelings).
- Understanding is a process of self-inner-exploration. Write down what you believe / feel is behind/underneath the feelings (guilt). Explore them as much as you can. For example ... (my experience / process):
I did xxx for 6 years. I did 200% for him. He knew that. He thanked me just about every time I visited. When he died, I felt GUILTY how I treated him years before that ... the 18-20 years I knew Jerry. It was a very difficult relationship due to his PTSD. He loved me like a partner; I cared for him more like a mother protecting her child. I reacted ... frustrated ... screamed ... got angry ... BECAUSE I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE DEPTH OF HIS PTSD.
* I focus(ed) on all that I did.
- That I did the best I absolutely could have done
- That Jerry realized that I was 100% there for him, for years.
I remember his words to me "I want you to take care of yourself."
He wanted the absolute best for me ... and that means SELF-FORGIVENESS and SELF-ACKNOWLEDGMENT for all that I did ... for years, when exhausted and overwhelmed.
I read that it self-care requires us to:
1. Be aware of how we feel about our self in relation to another, i.e.,
2. When a guilt thought comes, Immediately think of a 'good time' or a 'good deed' that you did to counter-the guilt reaction. Train yourself to automatically SEE and FEEL the good you did / do.
Learn that self-forgiveness IS self-care.
You want to take care of yourself.
Do good things for yourself.
It starts with how you think, then how you behave/what you do.
Gena / Touch Matters
Eventually, a parent or loved one will require a higher level of care. It is inevitable in this aging journey and doesn't have anything to do with our ability for caregiving. It just is and there is no reason to feel guilty.
I think the guilt for a lot of us is a new found freedom and time that we forgot how to fill. We need to learn life again.
The guilt never goes away but it is lessened by the things we can do.
((hugs))
maybe you can provide a little other support- emotional support to your sibling - a caring call to see how she is- she may just want to sound off/let off steam/frustrations
monitor your sister and have dialogue- if she really can’t cope the. Seek alternative solution fir your mother
maybe start at doctors for advice
in the meantime acknowledge the efforts and sacrifices you made during your care years and be mindful of to yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
When we take on the role of caregiver, it's a huge responsibility that other people just don't understand unless they've done it. I can't sit and watch a movie without having an anxiety attack because I'm not doing anything. It's one of those things that will just take time. All we can do is draw comfort from the fact that we know we did everything we could during that time, especially knowing there were others that probably could have helped. Talk to a therapist if you feel the need; it's helped me a lot. Ten years was a huge chunk of time we devoted to our loved ones. It will take some getting used to. Just be sure to take some time to devote to yourself now; you've earned it.
You are also feeling empathy for your sister now since she feels the weight more now .
Mom is where she needs to be , you do the best you can , that’s all you can do . You’ve already done a lot .
I don’t have alot of advice about navigating this . It’s an adjustment since your role has changed . I suggest setting some routines for yourself . So much of your life was wrapped around a caregiving routine . You need to relearn to live your own daily life.
I’m not sorry that she moved: it’s liberating. I think that seeing my sister struggle with the added weight of Mom’s care has been triggering the guilt for me. I need to accept that I can only offer limited support, and that things are now in a different place.
That isn't you. So guilt's off the table.
I would try on for size that other G-word which is grief.
You didn't cause your mom's aging problems and you can't fix them and you have done much to try to lessen them. Now you are suffering for your sister and what she is going through. Proof enough for me that you are a pretty decent person. At least in my JUDGEMENT (or opinions which sounds ever so much nicer but means the same).
I think I would express to your sis how you feel, let her know how close to the surface your own nerve endings remain from all the caregiving, let her know you known how tough it is, ask what you can do other than letting her know she has your deepest thoughts.
In some ways you are free but still have two wheels stuck in the mire, if you know what I mean.
I sure wish you the best, and just know that for BOTH of you this is going to be quite an adjustment; be easy on yourselves.
I know exactly what you mean about being free, but still feeling emotionally mired. It has only been two weeks since she moved, and I’m adjusting to this change.
I am taking a trip in December to visit friends. I need a vacation. Thank you, AlvaDeer, for your insight.