82-year-old dad doesn’t like to wear clothes anymore. He won’t wear depends, underwear, pants, nothing. He has accidents and has to have his housekeeper clean his carpets. He won’t do even the slightest house work or chores. He won’t put dishes in the dishwasher or walk down the hall to take his trash out. He does not have dementia. He says that clothes chafe him. At wits end. I dread going to visit him. Today I brought dinner over and he was sound asleep at the scheduled time. He came to the door nude and holding a towel in front of him. I dropped the food off and left immediately. He begged me to stay but it was too depressing to me. I just don’t understand it and not prepared to see him naked.
I think I would buy him a silk bathrobe for father's day. It doesn't chafe and will provide you some comfort when dealing with him.
Everybody wins!
If it has not happened already, your father needs a full medical evaluation including a cognition exam; a MoCA or SLUMS exam takes about 15 minutes and will evaluate his cognitive abilities and score him from 1-30 so you'll know where he stands and get a baseline. If he truly does not have dementia, you can get him to a geriatric psychiatrist for a professional evaluation about his mental health.
In our society, we're expected to wear clothing and use the toilet; that's just the way it is. If we decide to detour from those habits, a medical evaluation is the next step.
Wishing you the best of luck getting your dad a medical workup asap.
Figuring out what to do - I'm a nurse, but I still recoil when entering my mom's apartment and smelling the distinct odor of dried urine. And there are health risks in cleaning human waste without wearing gloves, and using appropriate cleaning materials. I'd suggest checking with housekeeper to learn about her perspective, what she thinks is causing the problem, and what ideas she has that might change his behavior/help her manage the problem. A raise might help, too!
Getting carpets steam cleaned, putting waterproof doormats or runners (securely attached to carpet/floor, and investing in some odor neutralizing products might make the house a bit less awful.
There are some folks who have a preference for minimal/no clothing in the privacy of home. Or sleeping nude. With frailty in body and mind, adapting to social expectations may fall off of their radar screen.
Good luck.
Your gut (& ahem eyes & nose) tells you something is not right.
Dad however, cannot feel it.
If he calls for help, his housekeeper calls for assistance, he falls, he is confused, looks pale, shaky or just wrong - get medical help. This may mean wrapping him in a blanket to drive to ER or calling EMS to do so.
Then speak up for him to reveive a medical check up & a geri review.
My husband has vascular dementia and sees a neurologist. But I have had trouble finding a doctor in my area that specializes in gerontology. Any suggestions other than a google search to find one?
Thanks,
Pam
When I was in my early twenties I owned an audio/visual production company. I met Rodney Dangerfield doing a video for his night club show. We became friends but, whenever he was in his suite, he wore a bathrobe that didn't meet in the middle. It didn't matter who was there, 2 people or 12 people, bathrobe that was too small was worn.
Being fairly naive and young, I figured he was a single guy that just didn't shop and the robe was old, weight gain and all that. So I bought him a bathrobe for his birthday, that would actually reach ALL the way around and provide coverage.
I was told that the robe was great but, it was way to big and needed altering. OMG!
Yep, next time we visited, he was wearing the robe and it had been altered so it didn't meet in the middle.
Another time, we were out four-wheeling in the desert outside of Quartzsite, AZ and we came across a nudist camp. Not one of them had a stitch of clothing and they were all in their 70s, 80s and 90s. I know this because they were very hospitable and offered us a cold drink and conversation. Weirdest encounter if my entire life but, they all had great tans :-)
I truly believe that some people are going to be comfortable and it doesn't matter what others think.
The accidents are gross and inappropriate but, I don't think the desire to be nude is as off as we would all like to think.
However, that first guy 🤯 umm yikes.
The elderly nudists, LOL 🤣🤣
(Reminded me of visiting Germany..)
Yes liking nudity is not wrong.. (we were all born that way after all 😁). I wonder if the gent wouldn't put his pants on - or couldn't. Like people who are barefoot because they can't reach their feet to put their shoes on.
Not sure if that is because they are elderly and may have been diagnosed with dementia anyway.
This sounds a lot like Frontal temporal Dementia to me. He should be seen by a Neurologist or a Neuropsychologist for a full exam and proper diagnosis.
If I were the housekeeper I would quit but not before first checking with a lawyer to see if this might qualify for sexual abuse/ (just kidding here but this is serious and he could get into trouble answering the door in the nude. )
Has the housekeeper observed any other odd behavior, perhaps him holding conversations with non-existent people? Kudos to them for sticking around.
Agreed.. you should never have to see your dad naked and I'm thinking that this needs to be stopped right now before dad gets much more comfortable and just assumes that everybody (neighbors included) are perfectly OK with his clothing-optional lifestyle. Good luck to you.
I just learned a new word today from a different AgingCare forum post - "Anosognosia". It is the lack of ability to perceive the realities of one's own condition.
I wonder if there is a fancy word to describe the lack of ability to perceive the realities of a loved one's condition. Doesn't seem like enough but I think that word would be a distant cousin of denial. It's tough but you may be in charge now.
About his complaint that clothes chafe him. As my husband's dementia progresses, among other things, many physical sensations are exagerated. Perfectly warm showers are scalding hot, or freezing, until he gets refocused on to the effort at hand. Wonderful gentle breezes are near unbearable. Sounds are too loud, or annoying, lights are too bright, and waiting 5 minutes genuinely (to him) feels like an hour's time has passed.
Make an appointment with a neurologist, and a doctor. The earlier you get him evaluated the sooner you can either get a hopefully simple medical problem remedied or put a game plan in place.
In the meantime pick-up a couple of robes.
Could he be hiding that he can no longer dress himself? Might forget how to put pants on. Maybe started to fall over when he did. Maybe he cant put his foot in a pant leg 1 at a time, or can reach down to pick them up, and pull up. That requires balance. He might have started to fall, and scared himself. Or cant remember the sequence of how to do it. Who helps him dress? That may be the real issue. People do cover up that their mind is fading. He might be thinking it is too hard, so won't do it. Or cant get pants undone in time and urinated on himself. Is he supposed to put his depends on? Again stepping thru them and pulling them up might be to hard to do.
Id definitely make a big deal of him not wearing clothes.
What does his housekeeper do when he's naked? Does she leave? And why is it her job to clean urine on the floor daily. That problem needs to be addressed. That's got to be on diff chairs, and bed/matress, on floors and carpet. Id get a breatable waterproof mattress cover, and someone to help him dress. Is he taking showers? Has someone checked his skin for urine skin breakdown.
Id find a geriatric doctor or psychiatrist for him to see. 2nd opinion time. Sorry that is happening to you.
they don't always have to be sent somewhere. I do feel for the housekeeper. that is a no-no. that's unsanitary and should be dealt with. God Bless! Hang in there. this to shall pass.
Maybe a referral for a continence checkup is needed. It may be something quite treatable.
In the meantime, many people wear elastic waistbanded shorts for speedy access (avoiding fiddly fly/zip/buttons). Also adult absorbent pull-up style briefs.
Regarding incontinence:
Aim for cure. If not possible, aim to contain.
oops...sorry for double posting!
Stopping your dad’s nudity will be the easy part. The hard part is that he refuses to wear underwear of any sort, which means he finds it easy to urinate and defecate around the house - that is UNACCEPTABLE in all cultures. Only animals in the wild do that.
Your father is not an animal in the wild. He has mental decline of some sort or this would not be happening. It will not get better, it will only get worse,
Prepare yourself mentally that he will, most likely, soon need to be placed where a team will take care of him 24/7. I guarantee they won’t let him urinate and defecate everywhere and possibly spread pathogens all around through his bodily secretions. They will make sure he wears undergarments and will change them for him when soiled.
Get started on finding out how to place him now.
The housekeeper also doesn’t deserve the indignity of having a naked elderly man hanging around as she tries to do her paid job.
Being a slave in olden times was no worse than what (you and) your father are putting the housekeeper through. She obviously doesn’t feel she has many options or she would’ve already told your father where to stick it. I fear for the health and well being of the housekeeper.
Nobody is going to think this is ok.
No home health aide should have to endure that either.
The kaftan idea is a good one, IF you can get him to wear it.
He might have a urinary tract infection that’s causing these behaviors.
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