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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Thanks Neon, that was my next thing on my to do list...! Care Plan meeting went fairly well today - they asked me why my brother never came to visit my dad??! GRRR!
Sorry - feeling a little numb or something today.. .think I need to go for a walk and clear my head!
slowly and carefully I think why don't you google each one and find out the pros and cons before you make the decision? just a suggestion or call a few of them for added assurance
Crowe, I KNEW you were a writer! HOW COOL is this guys! I journal and write poems, too! TOO COOL...
PPO, are you sure?
Tired today - I spent all day dealing with phonecalls and paperwork and tomorrow care plan meeting... I let it pile up and then deal with it all at once... and I have my dad in a nursing home! How do you do it when they live with you??
Since we all deal with so much pain as caregivers, I posted my poem from last summer Path Through Tragic Pain. I hope some people will read it and find it helpful.
Okay - next question - MEDIGAP or PPO? My dad is undergoing change supplemental insurance to Medicare and I have been dealing with his paperwork all day long! time to switch gears now and do homework. Crybaby and Gigglebox - that could be our pennames, neon! HA!
Gee thats what got me thru child hood joking about my parents we would laugh until the tears were rolling down our face than when you get home the tears keep coming for other reasons, my nickname was crybaby Its a shame they didn't understand i was a sensitive person, grown ups sometimes forget that kids have feelings to.
Neon, You crack me up! I am glad that you have a sense of humor (you have to, don't you?!) despite all that you have been through. I have a care plan meeting tomorrow at the nursing home and I have been on the phone all day today dealing with finances and insurance for my dad's stuff. It's hard to keep it all straight sometime, b/c I have our own stuff to deal with. I have put it aside for long enough - back to the paperwork!
Dear gigglebox and neon, you have brightened my day! Bless you. Clueless people seem to have their own distractions. Hope all your days are enouraged, and you strengthened by this little respite from the Caregiving of our elders. Take care, and thank you all.
Thank you Giggles when we encourage others we also encourage ourselves keep your chin up a smile on your face and put one foot in front of the other and know you are NOT alone. There is a whole gaggle of us. You just keep talking it gets things off your chest and sometimes saying it out loud puts it in perspective and we get a glimmer of how to respond to a situation. I always talk to myself and I am not crazy things stay better in my head when I say them out loud and I can figure what the next step is. Life is a journey someone once said so we have to live it like a journey we can make it worse or we can make it better I choose the last and remember no one is in control we have no more control over things that happen espeially when it involves other people than we have control over the weather although the Russians are trying LOL
I am so glad that I started this discussion!!! I, too, know a little about this... my dad and my brother are both such clueless... and I was clueless about them til after my mom die... if that makes any sense? It is hard to honor a parent who is lazy and uncaring and critical... and mine is only in a nursing home not here with me..the money issue... oh, we won't go there!
As I told my mom when she was in her last hours and she was all concerned about the mess she was leaving behind for me to pick up, "I WILL GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS AND A LOT OF HELP FROM GOD!"
So, thank you, my friends, for helping me get by! Blessings from heaven, indeed!
I have cats... they bring me joy and companionship. sooo when I am working in the kitchen they are rubbing in between my feet and ankles looking for a touch a word of love some attention. I liken that to us and God we are always squirming around to get his attention once we have his attention and are faithful to Him above all then he gives us that smile that gentle touch that encouragement we need. your name should be special sister "HUGS" =^_^=
I grow stronger reading your comments, brother. And neon, you still make me smile. So glad you are both here! Special gifts from above :)
For those of us caring for parents who left us alone to care for ourselves, and now have a difficult task of honoring, serving and giving what we had to find elsewhere, thank God we're not alone.
Yes it was a very violent childhood. and a scary one to. but yes my father used to say once I made my mind up to do something it would be done. I was hard headed but my hard headedness means I am the only one who got an education even when they made me quite crowemagnumschool six months before graduation and I did graduate with my class. I went on to become an IT tech since my mother thought that being a biology teacher was for men only?? what that had to do with it I don't know. So glad you are a Christian. I am very involved in our church or I should say the Lords church I teach and do special things for our young people to know the full magnitude of what Christ went thru for us if we will only knock at His door. Thank you for sharing crowemagnum every bit of information helps us all knowledge is power and no one steals my power anymore. Don't believe me ask my husband LOL
Wow, growing up with two narcisisstic parents is quite a nuclear reactor. It sounds like you have been quite a thinking person your entire life and I would say your intelligence and sharp intelect probably saved you more than you realize.
You are so right about not plugging into their energy, acutally chaos, for that is all part of being a self-differientiated person from our parents as well as from other people which is better than any emotional cut-off becuase being your own person enables you to be in contact with the feeling of others without being controled by them, to speak using "I feel or I think" language instead of getting caught up in group think like you are part of some emotional/intellectual Borg to use a Star Trek anaology. The same thing is also found in Tae Kwon Do. My favorite definition of Key Energy is the ability to see a situation for what it really is and respond not react with only the necessary amount of movement and power in self-defense. Sometimes, doing nothing is the most powerful thing you can do since in reality we are our own biggist obstacle to defend ourselves against.
My own family or origin was such that in high school, I chose some of my new Christian friends, both my age and their parents, as a new Christian myself to become my substitute parents and siblings. I basically re-created my own family outside of my biological family and thus survived.
That's why we have this site to learn about others and listen to what they say we may be of help to you and taling about what is going on in your life will help you to. but you already knew that. The trick is not to plug into their energy I have a quote on my email that says "He who does nothing accomplishes everything"
If you really think about it with a narcissistic parent and apply it IT WORKS. She is also a recluse but always was, the few times Dad came home and said we were going to the shore or some ones house we would go with Dad and she would stay home, she also would put us outside and lock the door when we were allowed to go outside and my father was controlling as well as an alcoholic so you see what a mess I remember standing in a corner when I was 6 with my little arms folded and tapping my right foot looking at them and saying to myself I will never be like either one of them, so thru the years if someone came along with good qualities and I admired them I would pattern myself after them I am happy to say I am not like them but in my earlier years I did some serious rebelling and had lots of anger and unfortunately I used it on my husband as he was the closest but I recognized it eventually and I have worked on myself for many years like a potter works with clay now I am ging to let God finish me up after all he started me LOL. Keep talking crowemagnum we all need each other thats what God put us here for. Thanks for the hug
You are welcome. There are web sites with online anonymous support groups for those in a relationship with someone who has your mother's problems. Actually, Borderline Personality Disorder is an inverted form of narcissism and thuse some people mis-diagnose the narcisisstic mother for the what is really the Borderline Queen as described in the book Understanding the Boderline Mother. People with BPD tend to be a mixture and one type is a recluse, but then the other part of their mixture can come out at the most irrational times. It's good to stay in therapy while in relationships with people with personality disorders because we can pick up mental health fleas from them.
If you ever find your anger really taking off, please contact someone for so many bad household events take place when one person's understandable anger envelopes them like a fire, people around them become objectified, thus anyone can become the target of such a state of emotions, and you would not want to live with that.
You are not alone as an adult caregiving of an aging parent and particularly of an aging mother with a pesonailty disorder and the painful memories of what that parent or parent in law put you through. If one could earn their way to heaven, my enslaved, emaculated, dominated and more than merely hen-pecked father in law would have. His wife only misises him for what he would be dong for her now and with everyone else alienated seeks to enslave her daughters. My extended family on that side feels like a mental health version of star wars and a few of us have gotten rather good at staying out of the dark side when darth vader starts into her button pushing. She has no idea how well her daughters understand her now nor who taught them many of their Jedi mental health tricks. Unfortunately, the cancer survivor has to deal with the brunt of things for she lives in the same town. Well, I've sure gotten off topic and talking too much about myself.
Finally someone who understands you just made my day. Yes, I thought about "revenge" but revenge is mine sayeth the Lord" I don't have the energy and it is not in my character to be hateful as I know what it does to people. Thank you for your words of wisdom they again made my day. Perhaps the whole month LOL
The M-D stuff described by neonwocky is tragic and sick. neonwocky, I admire your getting therapy to be able to deal with your narcissistic mother. Mother's like that often have enslaved husbands and produce children who grow up with borderline personality disorder which tends to be more in women. I've become educated about this via dealing with my own mother in law, etc.
One danger of caring for an elderly abusive parent is that as they weaken, a temptation opens for one's anger over the abuse to verbally make their lives a living hell.
Your mother is blessed to have you or any family member take care of her for it sounds like she alienated everyone else.
I'm glad to hear that you are not talking her abuse. narcissistic people don't tend to change unless they want to and no matter how much you do for them or try to convince them you love them, it is never enough.
Do remember that it's the grace of God in Jesus not our being martyrs by trying to save an abusive parent that will get us to heaven.
I am glad that you have a loving church, that you know that you are loved, and that you are a loving person despite your abusive background.
Neither daughters or sons should have to grow up with narcissistic parents. This fact makes mother's day and father's day difficult for many.
well my mother has no money and I do take care of her out of the goodness of my heart because she made my childhood and teenage years a living hell so much so I tried to commit suicide but I recently found out she is narcissistic and now I understand had some therapy to learn hoe to deal with her as she moved in with me after my father died and started her same old crap and I'm 61 and not taking it. so we have seemd to come to an empass of sorts and I hope it stays that way, she is capable of doing things but is lazy as the dayis long which irks the snot out of me because I have so much to do but I'll get over it in time and lately I am not thinking about it and when I do I just tell myself she isn't going to change her spots now she has a birthday this month and I've askr=ed everyone at church to inundate her with cards hoping she will get the message that there is a life out there and if nothing else they did it because I am lovable and people do love me. Don't mean to sound crass but I'm one of those who tell it like it is. as for siblings hahahaha they have their life, I do understand why they are not interested in her and I don't hold it against them its just that I am doing what God has told me to do and I want to get to heven as for personal effects there will be a huge yard sale at my house and shopping I will go.
Ah, the old money game. My brother thinks he is getting half mom's money. Won't he be surprised to find out that we spent it all on her. Nothing is wrong with her that is life threatening, just life altering. So, she gets lots of care and will be here for a long while. He should have stayed with her on our vacations. It would have been money in the bank!
I only care for Mom 24/7, her dog, her house, her bills, my house, my bills, my full time job but That is enough to stress a person out. Taking on children with all that is HUGE! U are an angel. My biggest issue is the siblings 1500 miles away saying "...so What if u take care of Mom!.." I guess until you actually do the work people have No concept of what it involves or the life you abandon so a parent can remain in their home with the best care. Some feel a relative should be expected to do this out of the goodness of their hearts while the others get to live their lives with no disruptions or sacrafices. How much is one's life worth and How much is it worth to the family to KNOW without a doubt that a person who loves and cares for Mom is keeping her safe, clean, fed and happy...it's Priceless...UNLESS it intereferes with their inheritance....
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Care Plan meeting went fairly well today - they asked me why my brother never came to visit my dad??! GRRR!
Sorry - feeling a little numb or something today.. .think I need to go for a walk and clear my head!
PPO, are you sure?
Tired today - I spent all day dealing with phonecalls and paperwork and tomorrow care plan meeting... I let it pile up and then deal with it all at once... and I have my dad in a nursing home! How do you do it when they live with you??
I put it in the Stress Relief and Inspiration topic group.
sob sob sob
Hang in there, you guys!
" Growing up with Narcissitic parents with a Splash of Alcohol" Thats the title so don't be thinking i'll be splashing the alcohol into me LOL
I AM ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS AND MY REACTIONS.
Think about it! And have a great day!
Neon, I love your squirming analogy - you gave me something to think about! You should be a writer! Do you journal??
I am so glad that I started this discussion!!! I, too, know a little about this... my dad and my brother are both such clueless... and I was clueless about them til after my mom die... if that makes any sense? It is hard to honor a parent who is lazy and uncaring and critical... and mine is only in a nursing home not here with me..the money issue... oh, we won't go there!
As I told my mom when she was in her last hours and she was all concerned about the mess she was leaving behind for me to pick up, "I WILL GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS AND A LOT OF HELP FROM GOD!"
So, thank you, my friends, for helping me get by! Blessings from heaven, indeed!
For those of us caring for parents who left us alone to care for ourselves, and now have a difficult task of honoring, serving and giving what we had to find elsewhere, thank God we're not alone.
Wow, growing up with two narcisisstic parents is quite a nuclear reactor. It sounds like you have been quite a thinking person your entire life and I would say your intelligence and sharp intelect probably saved you more than you realize.
You are so right about not plugging into their energy, acutally chaos, for that is all part of being a self-differientiated person from our parents as well as from other people which is better than any emotional cut-off becuase being your own person enables you to be in contact with the feeling of others without being controled by them, to speak using "I feel or I think" language instead of getting caught up in group think like you are part of some emotional/intellectual Borg to use a Star Trek anaology. The same thing is also found in Tae Kwon Do. My favorite definition of Key Energy is the ability to see a situation for what it really is and respond not react with only the necessary amount of movement and power in self-defense. Sometimes, doing nothing is the most powerful thing you can do since in reality we are our own biggist obstacle to defend ourselves against.
My own family or origin was such that in high school, I chose some of my new Christian friends, both my age and their parents, as a new Christian myself to become my substitute parents and siblings. I basically re-created my own family outside of my biological family and thus survived.
If you really think about it with a narcissistic parent and apply it IT WORKS. She is also a recluse but always was, the few times Dad came home and said we were going to the shore or some ones house we would go with Dad and she would stay home, she also would put us outside and lock the door when we were allowed to go outside and my father was controlling as well as an alcoholic so you see what a mess I remember standing in a corner when I was 6 with my little arms folded and tapping my right foot looking at them and saying to myself I will never be like either one of them, so thru the years if someone came along with good qualities and I admired them I would pattern myself after them I am happy to say I am not like them but in my earlier years I did some serious rebelling and had lots of anger and unfortunately I used it on my husband as he was the closest but I recognized it eventually and I have worked on myself for many years like a potter works with clay now I am ging to let God finish me up after all he started me LOL. Keep talking crowemagnum we all need each other thats what God put us here for. Thanks for the hug
If you ever find your anger really taking off, please contact someone for so many bad household events take place when one person's understandable anger envelopes them like a fire, people around them become objectified, thus anyone can become the target of such a state of emotions, and you would not want to live with that.
You are not alone as an adult caregiving of an aging parent and particularly of an aging mother with a pesonailty disorder and the painful memories of what that parent or parent in law put you through. If one could earn their way to heaven, my enslaved, emaculated, dominated and more than merely hen-pecked father in law would have. His wife only misises him for what he would be dong for her now and with everyone else alienated seeks to enslave her daughters. My extended family on that side feels like a mental health version of star wars and a few of us have gotten rather good at staying out of the dark side when darth vader starts into her button pushing. She has no idea how well her daughters understand her now nor who taught them many of their Jedi mental health tricks. Unfortunately, the cancer survivor has to deal with the brunt of things for she lives in the same town. Well, I've sure gotten off topic and talking too much about myself.
One danger of caring for an elderly abusive parent is that as they weaken, a temptation opens for one's anger over the abuse to verbally make their lives a living hell.
Your mother is blessed to have you or any family member take care of her for it sounds like she alienated everyone else.
I'm glad to hear that you are not talking her abuse. narcissistic people don't tend to change unless they want to and no matter how much you do for them or try to convince them you love them, it is never enough.
Do remember that it's the grace of God in Jesus not our being martyrs by trying to save an abusive parent that will get us to heaven.
I am glad that you have a loving church, that you know that you are loved, and that you are a loving person despite your abusive background.
Neither daughters or sons should have to grow up with narcissistic parents. This fact makes mother's day and father's day difficult for many.