My mom has been diagnosed with dementia. She doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her. She forgets to eat, drink, take her medicine etc. my dad died 5 years ago and I have been staying with her every two weeks for a week. I have a family, and it’s getting to be too much to continue. She needs an aide to come to the house everyday for a couple of hours at least 5 days a week. She owns her house, beautiful home, has no savings though, and retirement and social security pays her bills. She doesn’t have much left over after the bills each month. She doesn’t qualify for medicaid due to the house. She wants to stay in the house, but how can I afford in home care, I don’t have the extra money. Also she is progressively getting worse every month. How can we even pay for the assisted living memory care before we can sell the house. I’m so so overwhelmed, I don’t know where to turn anymore. Any advice would be so appreciated. I just want to do what is best for her.
Have you done any checking into what the income limits are for your states Medicaid? Because retirement and SS could easily disqualify her from assistance without doing a Miller Trust aka Qualified Income Trust.
It isn't realistic that you can keep her home if she doesn't have the money to pay for 24/7 care, unless you are going to forgo your life to prop her up.
Dementia leaves no good choices, you have bad choices or worse choices when there is no money.
Your dad was wrong and completely unfair to exact a promise to keep your mom in her home. Her needs are beyond what can be done in home without 24/7/365 caregivers and that is very expensive and can not be accomplished with 1 person, period.
You are not causing her to lose anything, her disease is and you are in no way responsible for that, stop owning what you can't control.
One thing with Mom, there is no real sense of time. I took her out of the facility on her 91st birthday and we had nice afternoon, out for lunch at Sonic, and then to my hairdresser. When we got back to her Memory Care she got a cookie delivery from a cousin with a video message, and my daughter in law brought 2 of her great grandchildren for a visit. My sister video called. She had a good day, smiles all around. I arranged the many birthday cards she had received on her dresser. Next day, she had no memory of it. She had joy in the moment, so of course it was good, but that is what it is. I always tell her I'll be back tomorrow, mom. Even though I usually visit every other day, because every day is a new day and it comforts her to know I'll be back soon.
So set up her room with her furniture from home, bring the cat for visits and sell the home for her Care. Don't discuss it with her, she doesn't need to know it's sold, make sure she has her favorite things with her and visit often.
Soon she will be "home ". My mom sometimes thinks she is a school, when they do an activity.
My mom's Memory Care cost about 7000 monthly, that is paid for with LTC and supplement with her social security. For your mom the house sale plus Ss should do the job for awhile.
Sounds like this is more about trying to make siblings help. Give up on that, you will not be successful trying to get anyone to do what they don't want to do. And believe me, if they do not want to help, you do not want them helping.
How did you come to be the only one who does anything for her? So often there are siblings who do nothing. I'm always curious to know how the one sib who does gets in that position.
"But I feel so guilty because I promised my dad I would take care of her and let her stay in her home."
We see this promise being made so many times. Don't hold yourself to a promise made when circumstances were different. Think about it -- would your father really want this burden placed on you if he knew how it is affecting you? He didn't get any promises from your brother and sister?
It will not be long before mom is not safe to be left alone if she is now.
The cat is also a want, not a need. Cats disappear, die much sooner than humans, run out onto the road etc etc. Keep the cat and take it to her for visits, or get her a stuffed one to stroke. Her heart won’t break.
Your task at the moment is to provide the common sense that mother no longer has. It’s tough, because we would all like to provide the wants. But your job is with the needs.
But then again that is why more enlightened facilities accommodate established companion animals, so I'm not taking issue with anything else :)
You say you've been staying with her one week in three, is that correct? How long has this pattern been going on for?
You also say she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. So what does she think? How does she account for her difficulties? And what was her response to her diagnosis?
Do you live far from her?
I'm sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a clearer picture of her and your circumstances. Hugs again.
Placing mom in a fAcility is still caring for her. You are making sure she has the care she needs.