My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

Shiptoshore,

A sad story in every way, entirely credible but not shocking considering the train wrecks narcissists cause to get their way. Truly, they will stop at nothing. I'm so sorry for all the grief and loss you and your family have suffered.

@ ship2shore - If only there were some way to start a NEW newspaper : "The REAL NEWS". and publish articles like yours, or somehow tell it in a YouTube video and see if it could go viral ..... when you moved away, you should have come to Florida! I would be proud to be your neighbor and friend!!!

I feel so alone in this and now reading all your responses I don't. I wonder if this is an American thing or more of a universal disease. My Mom has ALWAYS been narcissistic with a border line personality disorder. And my Dad is like a battered wife with PTSD. I put Mom in a pych hospital two weeks ago when she flipped out and started beating my Dad . She just got out and has an appointment with a psychiatrist this Thursday. They took her off her Xanex and painkillers as her memory is failing since her Heart attack last September. She says she remembers nothing of the attack, but I don't believe her. She is a master manipulator. I am checking into how to get POA or Guardianship against her will because I now have record of her issues. However, this is time consuming and I work a full time job that is very demanding. I have 3 brothers that try to help but they have lives and families too that require their attention. This blog is the only place where I see people that have the same things going on in their lives. Even my closest friends don't have these issues. Thanks for listening

I need help. My gram is 93 and turns on me. Blows off appointments and I'm going on disability. I am all she has and decided to remove me from our joint account that we share. So now every month I have to hope she will give me my money. Does anyone know what I can do. She's getting worse and I cry because of what she puts me through she's not just losing her mind but she has always been a narcissist. I'm all she has. I'm 32 and disabled and she 93 and impossible hence lives 20 miles on way from me. Her home is getting very unmanageable and I've cleaned it just for her to start the hoarding process again several times. Her moneys are or were supposed to go to me but she's so mean and secretive I don't know if she's changed anything were where so close and now I'm afraid of her. Is there a way to secure the finances and get her home health care? I'm in ny. Any help would be much appreciated. Jo

@Cupofjoe34. I feel so sad for you. Read my story above and be very careful. You’re describing a typical narcissist, compounded by dementia. Since you don’t live close by, there’s a very good chance that your elderly grandmother has naively befriended a stranger (lawyer, caregiver, neighbor) who is poisoning her towards you and convincing her to do foolish things, such as removing you from your joint account, missing appointments or possibly not seeing you at all anymore. She can and will use money to control you unfortunately. I feel your pain, as there is nothing more heartbreaking than being betrayed by a parent. In your grandmother’s case though, she is old and sick and weak. Which makes her the perfect target for a low life scammer and unethical person to take full advantage. To go for guardianship is an expensive painful process as it took us a year to get to trial and we lost anyway. I’m in NJ and every state has different laws. I wish you the best of luck and really hope it turns out differently for you, than it did for my family

My 84 year old narsissistic mother hates my husband. She is very paranoid and it is getting worse with dementia. She refuses to go to my son’s college graduation and dinner because my husband will be there. She is asking my son to choose between her or my husband. This is very cruel. She is using her money to try to influence everyone and has threatened to cut me out of the will if I stay with “that guy” who she has called just a sperm donor. My husband is the most wonderful father. But he doesn’t play the game of kissing up to her. She was always mean but with old age she has become manipulative and down right cruel. I have a sister but she is the “golden child” and will do everything to please mom. My sister even went so far as to say, that if my mom sees my husband she might get a heart attack. All of this is “crazy making” and I have had enough!

I feel sorry for you DubaiDaughter.i have the same situation. Except my brother was golden boy. And my mom hates my wife , my mom is 89 and dad is 90. I’m 64 and placed them both in memory care. Get out while you still have your sanity. Prayers and hugs !

DubaiDaughter -

I'm putting on my logical hat:

Your mother is narcissistic, manipulative and paranoid.
She hates your husband
Your husband doesn't want to play her game.
You've had enough of the craziness.
Your husband is the most wonderful father.

Sounds to me that your husband is much more important and valuable than whatever your narcissistic mother leaves you in her will. Also, catering to your mother may cost you your husband/marriage and your sanity. Narcissistic mother or wonderful husband/father. The choice is very clear.

Conclusion: Get out while you still have your sanity as Number2son recommends. Leave your mother for the golden daughter to take care of. They seem to like each other. She can inherit everything in exchange for taking care of her mom.

Thank you for the advice and support. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone.

Yes i am she has lied and they took her and put her in a all womans shelter and ive been worried sick. I have been taking care of her in my home for over 8 years and its not easy but i do everything for her and the meds have made her alot worse. They are treating me like im a crimal when she just through a fit and started making up dtuff she has been gone for 3 days now and they wont tell me anything i dont know what to do? And their is no telling what kind of crazy stories she is telling them.

Yes my Mom is a narc - thankfully as she gets older she seems to be mellowing out. I find it best to have major conversations when there are other people with us. whenever I try to have mature conversations with her by myself, she gets out of hand, but when I do it with mutual friends she can't attack me like normal. Narcs are good at trying to act normal with other people, it's only the direct family that takes the brunt of their abuse.

I have her in a home, and the director, who's been very helpful, told me to stay away, and not visit everyday. That had made a big difference to our relationship as I stayed away for days at a time. These days I can just go over to the home (she lives walking distance) and stop in to see how she is quickly, then leave without the guilt trips thrown at me. Of course she often reverts to the old mom, and it hurts even more when she does so. It's like being on a Ferris Wheel with her, sometimes she's the mom I always wanted, and other times I just want to be done with her. Either way, I have to keep an emotional distance.

I see this post started over 5 years ago but the story goes on.. Narcissistic dysfunctional families really do exist. It seems most of the time we can’t escape until well into adulthood. I agree Narcissists act normal in front of others but when it comes to their children and their children’s families they can be so cruel. It was my loving husband and children that got fed up and that made me see the light. The first few months of being estranged from the narcissistic dysfunctional mother was hard as I felt so guilty. Now I say look at what she did to me and my family so mean and cruel in her hurtful words and mind games. She never had a kind word to say about my husband or children and would have loved it if I got a divorce. She is always judgmental of people in general and trash talking behind people’s back. I finally saw she is talking about me too. A normal person would never treat a human being in this manner. My heart goes out to my father who put up with this cold hearted woman and would have never left her. I only wish that I were brave enough to have had this conversation with him. He just blamed it on her health, mentality and constant smoking that leaves her in a fog. Remember it’s always all about them. Get out while you can and you will see life does get better and thankfully normal.

Spiritdancer,
Are you my twin? omg.... things have been going fairly decent for the last 2 weeks, and out comes the nastiness again today from my mother.... only this time I have been under a lot of stress for awhile with my job and a close family member having surgery today (she did well!), and then tonight ... as I said, out came the nastiness followed by the under-the-breath "going back to my home.... I won't be in anyone's way then" ... well tonight was not the night for her to do this, as I am having severe stomach pain (from a hiatal hernia) that I have not had in years ... have been managing just fine for years.

I am very close to having the conversation with her about going back to her home (she is 93 and has been with me for almost a year) ... her home has been dormant since being here AND in another town 3 hours away. The conversation will be that if she chooses to go live back in her home, she will have to take over her own finances, using a taxi for dr. appts., and delivery for groceries. The other surprise is that I will be disabling her car and /or taking keys away. And on my few weekends off that I don't have to work extra, I will not be going to check on her. We are very close to coming to "this is it".... either stay here with me and let's get your house and car sold OR go back to your house but you are on your own.

My mother is now 88, she has always been narcissistic and also with boarderline pers, I found her on the kitchen floor unable to get up a few weeks ago, she has been ill and calling me sometimes 10 times per day. I found a beautiful home with caring helpers and residents several women who are active. She is now calling and telling me that I am killing her, she hates me and hated that I was born. She used to sing with a large 12 piece band, and was used to lots of attention. Very pretty woman and adorned herself with clothing, hats etc. Now she is not getting attention and is angry and hateful. She sometimes becomes pleading, with the personality, I learned long ago you never win. I am now not taking her calls, it may take months before she settles in. The Dr, also put her on seraquel. She was on trazadone and when on that drug her night terrors stopped. I have seen her improve as she is no longer dizzy and falling, but she does not sleep well at the new facility. Doctor states due to her heart condition she does not want to give her trazadone. They may have to find another drug to help her sleep. This has been a terrible experience. I always knew she would be difficult.

Myownlife and Quit I feel your pain as my mother got so ugly to me. So many great folks here to turn to. Thank you all. My current read is “Understanding The Borderline Mother” by Christine Ann Lawson. It’s worth your time if you get a chance. It helped me to further understand my dysfunctional family. I hope things get better with your mothers. (((hugs)))

Hi everyone, I have been away from this site for a few years now. I have been a “hands off” caregiver for my malignant narcissistic mother with dementia for going on 5 years now. I discovered the website and forum “Out of the Fog”, and have been a regular poster there. The site really helps me identify and come to terms with my dysfunctional and personality disordered family.
Anyway, I wanted to say hi again to you all and revisit this issue of dealing with dementia and narcisssim with other caregivers. Even though, thankfully I am not hands on (in fact, I’ve had no contact with my mother for almost 2.5 years now and only deal with her in-person caregiver, doctors, etc.), it is still stressful and draining.
I keep reading about the stages of dementia, the progression of the illness, and so on. But would you believe that my mother has been essentially at the same level of cognitive decline for FIVE years now? Still living at home by herself, still the same level of assistance from her 2 hours a day/6 days a week caregiver. I take care of ALL daily management of her household, bills, banking, finance, taxes, and pet care (she has had an elderly dog for seemingly forever!, lol). I have been on call, with my phone by my side at all times (except for bedtime), for FIVE years. Despite being hands off, I am tired, and wonder How Much Longer. She has had a cancer scare, which was just a scare. She had out of control blood pressure, which was corrected with new meds. She fell a few months ago, but other than bruising, was fine.
And...she is still mean and angry, and a complete b**ch to me, which is why I stay away and out of site. She’s always been the ignoring type of narcissist, unless she has something to complain about or accuse me of. The flowers I sent her for Mother’s Day last week, like I do every year? No acknowledgment (as usual). But yesterday, when she saw the notice from the post office saying that her mail forwarding was being extended (because she’s been unable to handle her affairs for FIVE YEARS!)—well, then of course, my phone blows up with calls and voice mails from her and a text from her caregiver. I expected it, and was calmer than in previous years, but it’s still triggering and depressing.
How. Much. Longer. I can’t help asking. Thanks for listening and understanding.

SpiritDancer, Myownlife, maybe triplets? My brother and I have never gotten along; and last week, during his visit to Mom; we ended up yelling and screaming at each other - ended up at a mediation attorney, and found that she had been playing us against each other. She always comes across as such a sweet old lady; but inside is the soul of a 14 year old playing 'let's you and him fight!'

Hello All! I know this is an older thread. However, as time passes and we have to deal with our Mothers who are now diagnosed with Alzheimer's the comments will continue.
I am an only child. My mother has always been of narcissistic qualities. She was spoiled and doted on by my Dad for so long that her symptoms went undetected. Well, not by me...I noticed even as a small child that there was something off about Mom. Couldn't put my finger on it but I knew there was something off. As time has progressed her ways have become excruciating. Still undetected by my doting dad. I remember going to him about certain situations involving her and he would always flip the script on me and suggest that my mother wasn't like the person I was telling him she was. Fast forward it finally became a scenario where he could no longer ignore it. She became combative and was convinced he was messing around with other women. That was not the case at all. He had been diagnosed with cancer and couldn't even take precedence in his unhealthy State without her one-upping the situation and making it more about her than him. She has since been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. By the time they caught it because he chose to ignore the signs for so long she was already progressed in her Alzheimer's. Right now I would say she is steps away from not recognizing the family. Although she was diagnosed only a year ago. I cannot stand to be around her. The narcissistic mother I grew up with is even more so now. She is constantly seeking attention, affirmation, and does nothing in her life that doesn't have some sort of selfish motive attached to it.
Unfortunately, since I am the only child all of this falls on my shoulders. I've always had a very small family and if something does happen to my dad I will have to take this on by myself. We are not poor but I will not have the means to take on such a responsibility. I won't be able to have her in my home because I already know that I don't want her selfish qualities around my two smaller children. One of which has autism! We will not be able to afford a nice place for her. I hope there are resources out there that can accommodate this situation. On top of it all we do not have the room in my home for her to stay with us. I have assured my father that if anything were to happen to him I would make sure that Mom was taken care of. I want to ease his mind but at the same time I am in a corner and I don't have a lot of resources to carry out what I have promised him. He is in remission from his cancer... This is now his second remission. My mother has really never allowed him time to think about his health. When the doctors tell him they've found another cancerous area my mother has the same MO....she all of a sudden starts complaining about her own ailments and tries to make those take precedence. The whole situation is a mess and my greatest hope is she passes to take the extra strain off of my Dad. I believe her toxic ways have done no good not only for his mental state but have kept him sicker than he would have been without her toxic ways.
I am grateful to have found this thread and know I'm not alone. I believe there is a direct correlation between Narcissism and Alzheimer's.
Best to all of you!

Truth832- I totally get the one-upping thing. My mother does that and it is so annoying. We visited a very sick relative in a hospital some years ago. He was telling us one of his health issues, my mom cut him off mid sentence and ranted on how she had something similar to his ailment and how much worse it was compared to his. The poor guy then sympathized with her which made her feel good. Then he told her his next health issue. Before he could finish, my mom cut him off again, then on she went with her own ailment which was so much worse than his. That was how their conversation went until the sick guy just gave up and shut up. He didn't get her to hear and acknowledge any of his problems. She was busy one-upping him.

That's how my mother is. A few weeks ago, we visited another relative who just got diagnosed with lung cancer. He is 85, his wife is 89 wheelchair bound. My mom didn't ask one thing about them. But she told the lady in the wheelchair that her (my mom's) legs were much worse (even though she could walk just fine) because one leg calf was smaller than the other. She then proceeded to roll up her pants to show her legs to the wheelchair bound woman. I just shook my head in disgust.

Also, truth832, you don't have to feel any guilt about not bringing your mother in to live with you. In fact, I would advise you against it. My mother lives with me and she drives me and my kids nuts. At some point, I will need to move her to a NH when she needs more care than I can provide. I just hope my late father comes and takes her before she suffers indignities.

Truth832,
If it's any consolation, your mom will loose her narcissism as the dementia progresses. My mother "was" narcissistic all my life too. (I am her only child also.)
She and my dad were also alcoholics and would lie to me and say things that they later denied. I thought I was loosing my mind (memory) at a young age.

My mom "lost" her narcissism at stage 6 Alzheimer's. She hasn't worried about her looks or how fancy and expensive anything is since she's gotten farther along in the dementia.
Now it doesn't have to be what "baby" wanted. (Oh gag!)
She always had to have the best, no matter what it cost or who she inconvenienced.

Now she lives in an older home modified for memory care. The furniture isn't from the finest stores, in fact it's old but clean.
If she was in her right mind, she'd never set foot inside the place. "Oh, how DISGUSTING", I could hear her say. And she had no compassion for those of less means (the poor). I always hated that.

I felt guilty that the place "wasn't up to mother's standards" when she first moved in but she's past that now. She lives in a mental "void".

It's a bittersweet moment- I hated the narcissism and it's gone but now the dementia has robbed her of any memory she had.

It's a loose-loose situation.

It is validating to read these posts. My husband was diagnosed a few weeks ago, and I would say he is mild to moderate in Alzheimer's stage, but the histrionic behavior has always been present. I had to argue with him for 5 days, and finally get intervention help from a family member to get the car keys from him, because the neurologist told him not to drive until he's had an OT evaluation. I don't think he should drive at all, because he is already a bit lost. He says, "I won't be restricted, I can't be restricted!" Which I sort of understand, because he is hyper, and since he retired three years ago, he likes to run to the grocery store, library, dry cleaner as many times a day as he can make an excuse to. But driving while a neurologist told you not to, even temporarily, I tried explaining to him, will mean that any accident, large or small, will not be covered by insurance! It took 5 days to get the keys from him! My anxiety was through the roof! I keep wondering if he will settle or get more belligerent. He also has Stage 4 Prostate Cancer (recent chronic back pain, which I wonder if it is metastasis to the bones,) Heart Disease (all of his triple bypasses are now blocked,) a replaced hip and knee, another bad knee, and Acid Reflux (GERD) for years. He will be getting a procedure done on the GERD soon. But the narcissistic part! He retired 3 years ago, and I have to work another 8 or 10. I thought maybe I'd get home to a clean house, or the plants watered at least sometimes, or a meal on the table once in awhile. Nothing! He does nothing. I do all that, along with my two adult sons when we get home from work, and my 92 year old father who also helps while my husband sits with his feet up on the sofa! It blows me away! He wants to do something together on Saturday or Sunday sometimes, and honestly, I can't take it anymore. On Saturday and Sunday after cleaning the house and weeding the gardens, I will do what I want and need to do for myself. He always was an idealist, and a poet, with his head up in the clouds, but the poetic crap drives everyone up the wall now -- he talks about the clouds, the rain, even the junk mail solicitations with such emotion that it's sickening. He speaks mostly in clichés, and is obsessed with rhymes, double entendre, and alliteration. His facebook posts are utterly embarrassing sometimes. He hasn't learned anything new in years, attributed to the dementia, I'm sure. But the constant histrionic attempts to get attention are infuriating to all of us. Even with all these words, it's just hard to put into words.

TerriLou, I agree that these posts are validating, and definitely can relate to the OP. My mother's neurologist told her he didn't want her driving either until her evaluation. She was giggling like a schoolgirl at all his jokes until he told her that, then she got nasty. She fussed all the way home and once there said she was going to keep driving, because how will he know if I'm driving or not??? You sure have your hands full TerriLou. My prayers are with you and all of us! 

Terrilou—It sounds like you don’t love hubby anymore. But why should you? I can’t stand your description of him. He sounds like my #1st idiot husband.

Sorry if I’m harsh. Your post pushed a button of mine. Good luck.

Terrilou it is very hard to take and really the only thing to be done is to try and remember he has a very sick brain, gone are any filters he ever had. It is probably hard to understand with such a new diagnosis.
If it is any consolation with prostate cancer so advanced it is highly likely it has metastasized possibly to the brain and his time on earth is probably very limited.
Right now you have to take care of yourself and plan for the future. make sure he can't make any decisions that will have a negative effect on you financially and that all the legalities are taken care of. Know the location of any life insurance policies. Check the bills are paid on time. Get your name on any bank accounts if possible. If you could afford and want to stay in the home get any repairs and alterations done now and keep a careful record of any expenditure and don't give large sums of cash to anyone because if Medicare enters the picture you will have to account for everything.
this is going to be a very hard time for all concerned but yu sound like a strong woman so with careful planning you can emerge from the other side. Good Luck and hugs.

My mother had narcissistic behavior traits on top of the dementia and you hit the nail right on the head - when the doctor suggested no more driving and to be retested, that’s when the tantrums escalated.  It was if my mother wanted to drive more often and even more recklessly. She totaled her new car because she insisted that BMWs had “sudden acceleration” problems and even forced me to call BMW US to complain !! They laughed at me when they heard she was 87 years old because it’s common for older folks to hit the gas pedal instead of the brakes. We lived in a hilly neighborhood with no sidewalks and we were scared to death that she would kill a child walking to a school bus stop when speeding in our neighborhood all the time, while we were at work. When the NJ DMV finally did take her license away due to the multiple accidents, she started insisting she was going to go out and buy and drive a moped !! I had spent hours making arrangements for a free Dial A Ride service so she could get out of the house everyday..... and then she started fighting with everyone on the bus. What a nightmare we lived through. It affected my husband, my three kids too.   And that was before the unethical nursing home and shady lawyers got hold of her as the dementia progressed.  Read my story under other postings and be careful that greedy people don’t take advantage of your loved ones

Has anyone ever considered the environment that your parent/s grew up in?? Drs. don't like diagnosing patients with this mental issue of what's called personality disorders caused enviromentally with the way they were raised as children. Sometimes because our parents have it then we raise our children the same way and they seem narcistic.. There's not a drug for it but some behavioral classes and such. Sometimes dementia and other brain disorders I including TBIs' in the elderly, lack of oxygen and who knows what else can cause these problems to get worse. Please be sympathetic to your parent while they re still here. My dad was diagnosed with Progressive Supranuclear palsy on top of his really bad heart , emphysemia and diabetes. Horrible disease, but I couldn't forgive myself if I put my dad in a nursing home. Not enough people to keep him from falling or family home like setting. Everyone has to do what they feel is right , but I think people go on here to vent because they feel guilty and want someone else to vent with them. Misery loves company the old saying goes. If they aren't violent and you can get a caregiver and stay home. Is advise anyone to. The best care I feel is in home care where you know your loved ones loved and getting ALL their medications.

I've posted re this question before -- yes people go on here to vent -- some of us would probably go crazy if we didn't have this outlet. My mother always criticized me and gave me such an inferiority complex that I never felt I was good enough. She hated my clothes, my hair, my friends, and was angry when I received a compliment.. and if I did do anything successfully, she took credit for it (playing the piano). When I asked her for her lawyer's phone number when my first marriage failed, she wouldn't give it to me ...you made your bed, now lay in it...It was so bad, that I thought everything that went wrong was my fault.

Now, 40 years later, I am finally recovering, and reading "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Karyl McBride has helped a lot. Knowing that other people (here) are/have been in the same boat and being able to vent is also therapeutic. Learning ways to deal with Alzheimer's symptoms, and learning when to get help and caregivers, what to ask doctors, etc. has been invaluable. We are looking at putting Mom in a memory care facility in the near future, as home care is expensive..we have researched one nearby and know people who have their family members there. Everyone has to find their own way, but having this site has certainly help me find mine. Hugs to you all!

BlueRidgeGal, yes, the driving issue was something else! He was sweet and pretty much ignoring all of his health issues, he always preferred denial of the unpleasant, and to pretend everything was just beautiful, until he was told not to drive. HolidayEnd, as far as not loving him anymore. My definition of love has little to do with warm fuzzy feelings and romance (10%) and much more to do with action and being there for someone (90%.) To the latter, I am dedicated and believe in being there for my family and husband to the end, as long as it is not killing me too. Tough times with alcoholism in both my ex and my husband, and tough times with my 4 kids when they were teens (one adopted and a struggler,) and caring for elderly people (my parents and aunt) taught me to help when and how I can, but not to be taken down while doing so either physically, emotionally or financially. So the 10% part, no, I do not have that for him. :( I truly wish I did. Which brings me to Cyoung51's response, my husband's environment growing up was awful: his mother alcoholic, OCD and tyrannical, his father weak, some physical abuse or neglect I suspect, and then as his escape he went to the seminary at 16 -- another abusive situation. So the effects from his childhood are trying REALLY hard to please people to the point of completely irritating everyone in the house instead of pleasing them (always always in someone's face literally,) and a constant need for affirmation, approval and validation. I am not, nor can any woman, I believe make up for what Mommy and Daddy didn't do and also be the wife, provider, caregiver, etc without some serious balancing acts! He is exhausting to have a conversation with and, of course, even more so with the dementia. We left the Urologist who cares for his S4PCancer yesterday where the doctor said, forget the colonoscopy/endoscopy and esophageal surgery to follow next week; elective procedures should not be done on Stage4 Cancer/Dementia patients. In the car on the way home, he doesn't even bring it up! He doesn't discuss his own healthcare with me. He functions at home piddling mostly, not getting much done, no longer driving, can converse some, but anything that requires decision making and reasoning is gone. I don't know what stage this is, but it's frustrating. ??? anyone? Veronica91, thank God, for most of our marriage of 17 years (both our second), I have handled everything and in the last few years he has really just let me. I have finances, policies, POA and such all in order. I'm a good planner and a payroll accounting supervisor at work, so those organizing skills are so valuable right now. So being the planner that I am, what really gets to me is that I can't plan for so much of what will happen in the next few years.

I'm going to search for posts on Palliative VS LifeExtending care, and at what point are elective procedures no longer right. He has had serious Gastric Reflux Disease and discomfort for so long, that after consulting with doctors and anesthesiologist, we are going to go ahead with the esophageal procedures -- as palliative care. If it can make him more comfortable, why not.

Hugs to all of you!

Hi Collector,
I am living it right now. My 80 year old mother lives with me, my husband, and my teenage daughter. I do everything for her, and I’m the one she treats the worst. She constantly accuses me of being mean to her. She cusses me out, calls me names, slams doors, and tells my daughter she hates me! My poor daughter is caught in the middle and is starting to hate her grandmother because of the way she treats me. I have three sisters that do nothing to help, never have. They can’t disrupt their lives! I’ve had to quit my job to care for her full time. Every day is a battle to get her to wear potty pads, go to the doctor, get up and move, turn on lights in her room, etc. she resents me for everything. Oh but when one of my sisters calls, she is so sweet and laughs. It makes me sick to my stomach. We are now on day two of her not speaking to me, and she probably has no idea why, but she’s sure she needs to be mad at me! I never raise my voice at her, I cook for her, clean for her, take her for walks, shopping, for drives, and she still finds a reason to get mad at me and stop speaking to me. This time around she won’t eat! I’m afraid I’m going to end up in the hospital from the stress. I’m not sure what to do at this point. My husband keeps telling me to not take it personal, that it’s a disease, but for some reason I just can’t do that. It hits me harder every time it happens, and it’s becomming more frequent. I feel like the worst mother in the world for putting my daughter in this living situation, but yet my mom can’t live alone and I promised her I would never put her in a home. She was the best mom ever, so this person is someone I don’t even know.

My ex and I are still on friendly terms and talk on the phone often. He and I are both taking care of our respective mothers and it is a drain as we are both seniors ourselves. I am very lucky in that my mother requires minimal care; she gets meals-on-wheels and has a bath and cleaning aid come into her first floor condo once a week. I set up her pills for the week, take her to drs. appts etc. But she is very competent mentally. She used to drink a lot but has quit since a fall landed her in hospital. She does get occasionally stubborn but that has always been the case. We sit down and have a chat about it. My ex on the other hand has to go to the retirement village where his mom lives 3 times a day to set up her meals, she is not mentally competent to do any of it by herself. She has taken to falling lately. Recently he found her in the bathtub, apparently she slept in there all night after having fallen in. She sees "people" and things that aren't there. Even though it is not my circus to care about anymore I am concerned that with all the bruises she gets he will be accused of elder abuse. No one else in the family is in a position to help, nor do they want to. She turned 100 recently and his cousins declined to dine out with he and his mom. They thought she should have a big party (she didn't realize the date and ex couldn't find time), they are still dinging on about it. I ended up going out to dinner with them because I felt bad about the whole situation. As Madeea said you need to watch out for your health, I see the toll it is taking on my ex and vow not to do that to myself. My mom and I do have talks about what happens when and if "the time comes". If you neglect your family and health at the expense of one person it is too high a cost. Don't feel bad about having needs of your own.