Do most elderly mom's have 'poor me' syndrome?

In my humble opinion Debralee, sometimes people are happier where there feel the most comfort, maybe she is so used to being unhappy there is a "safeness" to it, she knows it, she can depend on it, it sucks and it always will suck, least she feels she won't be disappointed because she expects nothing more. Who knows, just don't fall into that trap yourself would be my urging.

What do you do when the only two words in your elderly mother's vocabulary is "I Can't". She always obssesses about what she can't do instead of concentrating on what she can do. She has been like this all her life so forget any suggestions of dementia. Seems she is happier when she is miserable and negative.

Wow- thank you to ALL of your comments. I now know im not alonein whats happeninig. My mom has always been a Nascissit and as she ages it gets worse and worse. The last time my mom was hospitalized Oct 2012 she did say thank you to one of the nurses. we were shocked. My mom once told me that the reason for having children was to have someone to take care of you when you are older. Its possible my mother is pissed off at my sis and me because she had a plan or image in her head of being taking care of in a certain way and its not happening according to plan. My mom is in AL but she doesn't get any help from the facility. i am sure she should yell at them or say she didn't want anyone coming into her house. I got her a cell phone and she refuses to read the directions on how to turn the volume up! I try to put myself in her shoes, shes aging, shes alone but i try to ask her how she feels to connect to her and she changes the subject. i just try to stay away which makes me soooo sad. i want a relationship with my mom!

Yeah, you are definitely not alone. My grandma was exactly the same way. Always "poor me". Nobody cares about me. She ordered Mom around, never said thank you, always accused the kids of forgetting about her, not caring about her, etc. All we ever heard was "what did I ever do to you to make you treat me like this?" Even though we ran ourselves ragged trying to take care of her. Mom even had a mini stroke trying to move her into assisted living. Grandma never showed any appreciation. She just expected us to take care of her. As a matter of fact she said often "I just want someone to take care of me." She was always begging to come live with us and when we told her it was not safe for her at our house (we have lots of stairs) she would get really mad at us and throw a fit. She would not take her meds either. We bought a special pill box and mom would go fix it up all the time and there the pills were, still in the box. Grandma did other dumb stuff too. She had a cat and a litter scoop, but she would not use that to clean the box...she used a big slotted spoon. She also said she was always cold and would turn on the oven and leave the oven door open. One day she had her walker with the rollers on it, and a laundry basket on the top of it with her cat in it, got down to the lobby, and staff asked her where she was going and she said she was going to walk to the grocery store since "no one cares about her and she was hungry." We had just been to the store the previous day and got her tons of stuff to eat. Then she would leave it in the fridge or wherever and it would go bad. So yes, what your mom is doing does sound to me like dementia. It won't get any better. You have to take care of yourself and keep reminding yourself that she is not herself, it is the disease. I think it magnifies their basic selves. Grandma always was pretty dependent, and nasty when she didn't get her way. It's worse now with the dementia. We had to put grandma in a nursing home because she was a danger to herself and others. Now she is kicking, hitting, and trying to bite the CNA's when they go in to take care of her. Don't let her guilt trips get to you. Somehow, even as "out of it" as they are, they still know how to push your buttons and make you feel guilty to get what they want. Set limits and when you are not there, don't think about her. It'll just get you upset.

Well, I read all these answers, and I see that I have a lot of company! However, my mom is not in AL. She, 89, still lives in her townhome. I can't tell you how tiring it is to take care of two homes! We are both widows, and she sees that as an opportunity to use me for any and all things. She also doesn't drive, so I get to do all that, too. Although more than financially able, she refuses to hire anyone except for house cleaning and "manly" things. She acts 100% entitled to her daughters' time and assistance. However, I am the close who lives closest. I love my mom, but as some of you mentioned, she is not the woman I used to know. She doesn't have dementia, but if that's going to make her worse, I may go on a round-the-world trip! Just kidding, of course. It would be nice to be appreciated, which I sometimes am, but more often that not, I am just expected to be there when needed. My coping strategy is to spend less time with her, and to leave if she becomes emotionally abusive. I feel bad doing that, but I don't feel the need to be abused on top of doing a lot of work. My guess is that some people don't age very gracefully, and I understand that. I'm not a big fan myself! But I would hope that I would treat those that help me with compassion, understanding, and gratitude. We'll see!

Is she really being a "poor me" personality or is she a strong willed person that is used to being independent. I know it's difficult when we start this journey of watching our parent age. We, that have been going through it for awhile, agree that it is so sad as things happen to them of which they have no control. I'm not referring to the decisions they make but more like there inability to make correct decisions. I can only suggest that you keep reading this site and try, try not to judge your mom. Try your best to not look for answers but for solutions. As time goes on they often can't answer why and feel threatened by questioning (as I would). eg. if pill taking is a problem look on-line for alarms or dispensers to help. God Bless you, and try not to take her behavior personally.

My husbands mom is 91 and never goes into whoa is me. Most upbeat Christian lady you would ever want to meet. Still visits other seniors who are home bound.

My mother didn't have dementia. She lived her whole life with the poor pitiful me attitude. When she got older and ill, that attitude doubled. My dad's sister, my 83 yr old aunt, is the most joyous lady I've ever met and its wonderful to be around her.
Personality plays a large part. Then if dementia is involved, there isn't anything you can do but accept it as ferris1 said. The ones with rotten personalities shouldn't get a pass and the poor souls with dementia have to be dealt with accordingly. It's sad either way.

Folks, what you don't like are the symptoms of dementia. The woman you knew does not exist anymore and the sooner you adjust your thinking about what she says and does, the better off you will be. No, when they don't take their meds properly does not mean anything other than they forgot. It is not easy admitting you forgot something because most people in their 80's didn't ask for help and just took care of problems on their own. That was the way it was in the 1920's. My almost 87 yr. old husband has a hard time saying, "I'm sorry", or asking for help and admitting he forgot something. Having worked in nursing homes and assisted living facilities has given me more than an education. Although symptoms are similar, each person has their own distinct personalities with their own stories to tell. Ask your mom what it was like growing up. Nine times out of 10, I'll bet she was physically abused. She has her own tragedies. Pets usually are more loved because they are NON-JUDGMENTAL, and don't care if you forget things. Practice more patience...

My comment below can also apply to two other recent questions by members regarding their "poor me" and "mean, sarcastic" elderly moms.

Your experiences are not uncommon. It appears that plenty of adult daughters are "blessed" with elderly moms who have become master manipulators, professional victims who lash out with acrid, vindictive. Unfortunately, tension (and increased animosity) between mothers and daughters has been a sad theme for generations of women. My mother will thank my husband, not ME, for doing (whatever) for her. It's hurtful and frustrating, and I have expressed my hurt many times. Despite the fact that she raised me to be polite and express gratitude, she's forgotten that having good manners should be applied to everyone, not at the exclusion of the daughter/caregiver. The world has always revolved around my mother. That personality trait has only increased with her advanced age.

I too checked your profile and saw that your mother is in assisted care living. Could you please share how long she has been an AL resident? How old is mom? Is possible that her cruel comments are the result of her resentment for "putting her out to pasture"? Has your mother been diagnosed with memory disorder (Dementia, ALZ)? I do feel your confusion and your pain. My 89 year old mother has become a drama queen - not to say that she doesn't have legitimate, potentially serious health issues that are controlled various med therapies, dietary restrictions, and invasive monitoring devices. I do empathize; my mother also occasionally exercises poor judgement that has resulted in trips to the ER or her Geriatric PCP's office. She was Dxd with the onset of mild Dementia a few years ago. I asked the MD to prescribe Aricept for her memory problems and have seen an improvement. I'm sure it's a relief to you and your sister that your Mom is in AL under good supervision (?). Are they responsible for administering her meds? I am aware that adding that service to her monthly fee can be cost prohibitive for some folks. So, if you (or your mom) can't afford to include medication dispensing, could you or your sister consider taking over that responsiblity? It's obvious that she's not remembering to take her meds and that can be detrimental to her health.

As full time caregiver for my mother, as well as my developmentally disabled sibling, I take care of dispensing their meds. To make it a whole lot easier for ME, I purchased 4 sets of Sun - Sat (color coded for Breakfast, Lunch, Supper, and Bedtime) medicine trays that I labeled "Mom's Meds" and " Sis Meds". I labeled each tray with "Week #1" (#2, #3, #4). I created signs (MS Word docs) for both that I placed in vertical, standing, clear acrylic 8 1/2" x 11" sign holders. Their "signs" have sections for B, L, S, BT sections (color highlighted to match the colors of the med trays), and I also put the number of pills for each time section. I also listed the name of each pill and have a photo image of the pill (including vitamin supplements). I do their meds once a month (or sooner if a new med is added or one is deleted or a change in dose is made). The signs are on the kitchen counter and their weekly med tray is placed in front of the signs. It has been a huge help to both of my loved ones. They actually remember to take their meds.

My heart goes out to all of you who share these less than wonderful experiences. These types of moms can literally suck the energy and life out of us - the children who truly care about them. It's extremely hard at times. That's why I am grateful for this forum, where we can share our experience, strength, and hope with one another. Hopefully, you'll find some peace via solutions offered by others on this board. Hugs!

OMG, this sounds exactly like my mother! Have you guys met her? I'm beyond frustrated. I can honestly say, and this pains me, that I don't even like her any more. Isn't that horrible. There, I said it. She is so non-compliant and combative at the AL home she is in, and this place is wonderful--that she is on the brink of being kicked out. I don't know how much more I can take. I've moved her three times in 9 months. I'm drained both mentally and physically.Today I'm actually looking for Psychiatric care for her hostility. I don't know if this is the right approach or not, but I need help. ASAP!

Hurtful, isn't it? Has she been like this all her life? Mine is exactly the same. She will not listen to any of my help, suggestions or advice and is also ungrateful and thankless (she lives with us).
She also has COPD and the dr. found that she was not taking her medications properly either - none of them, in fact half the time wasn't taking any at all.
She will not listen to reason and one time spent four days with what she said was "a pulled muscle" in her arm -- it had been a heart attack!! but wouldn't call a cab or an ambulance because she would have to pay for them!! She finally went to the dr. and went straight to emerg. with what was the third of her heart attacks.
It seems as though the older they get the more stubborn they are and they think they know better than we do. They are also very clever at fabricating stories to get themselves off the hook because they are embarrassed, or don't want to take responsibility for their actions.
Yours sounds like the type who would tell people she fell, but would omit telling them that she got up on something that wasn't stable enough to hold her and that she didn't call you for help. They want to be the innocent party so that they won't be blamed.
I don't know about yours but mine will not follow anything even the dr. tells her as to her diet (restricted salt, fat, sugar & starch) and just wants to continue the same life style/eating habits that got her into this mess in the first place! She lies to everyone that she does NOT have diabetes so that she can just carry on and eat whatever she wants, with abandon, and them I am the bad guy -- "the food cop" - for trying to give her safe and nutritious meals that follow her drs. guidelines, and she is very good at lying even to her own dr.s!!
I get ordered around too, I am never asked for something, just told to do it despite countless times telling her that it would be nice to be asked for a change.
I was not surprised at your comment about the cats. Mine told my own children that she was "forced" to have children, never wanted any, and told them which grandchild was her favorite!! I was appalled.
I guess the bottom line is that now that she is this age you are not going to be able to (I don't want to say control) change whatever she does/says. It's kind of up to the universe what happens to them at this point if they don't want to do what we know is best for them!
Good luck to you -- I am sure that you are doing the very best that you can.

You profile says your mom is in assisted living, what kind of assisted living services do they provide? Maybe a step-up in assistance is needed, like with her meds and someone checking in to see that she is eating and doing okay on a daily basis, as far as I know different AL places offer different services. I don't think she is trying to punish you for anything, are you feeling guilty to have this thought? If you are, you would be best served to resolve these feelings inorder to move forward without this negative stuff weighing you down. I just think she is trying to maintain her independence and not appear needy since she tries to take care of her business herself without bothering anyone and hopes the vitamins and Coq10 will stave off memory issues. Many people have an unconditional love bond with their pets, these pets love her right or wrong, good or bad, and are with her all the time to comfort her.