Any advice for a new caregiver?

If you are a sensitive and empathetic person, the stress could ruin your health. I've seen it happen to other caregivers. My advice, like that of others before me, is don't do it. Downsize into a small apartment if you need to. It's all right to say "I (or we) made a mistake." Only fools never change their minds. It's not worth hating life. If hubby is insensitive to your needs, he needs to readjust his thinking. Or give up a good woman (you).

I would say don't do it, but it sounds like you already have so definitely follow the advice to have help. Do not try to do the 24/7 alone. I tried that and as stated in a previous response, ended up almost destroying my own health. I was also very resentful that I could have no life of my own. Every day I would get up and tell myself I would do better, I won't lose patience today. Within a couple hours I had lost it again and hated myself for it. It is a "no win" situation my dear. I did it for 14 months and am in the nursing home process with my mom now which also is no picnic. I'm a lot older than you, but you will face these things too if you try to do it alone.

Stephanie, you are an angel on earth for your willingness to take on the care of your husband's grandmother. There is a lot of good information on this forum so I'm not going to repeat too much.
I did a little research and Connecticut does offer the Community First Choice State Plan which is a program, if she qualifies, that will provide all the necessary services to keep grandma in her home: https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/medicaid-waivers/ct-community-first-choice.html. This is the program I wish I knew about 3 years ago when I first started my caregiving journey with mom. The financial burden of taking care of grandma is not your burden. This program is in place to help keep her at home. This program is based on her financial status, not yours. If she qualifies, the world opens up to all new possibilities for you to be successful at caregiver and keep a good life for yourself and husband.
I found that I had to hire a care manager to navigate through the spider web of government paperwork. But, now that the process is almost done, it has been a true blessing. The cost of the private pay care manager was worth every penny. Mom gets to stay with me, I was awarded 24/7 care, in home health aides, that medicaid pays for. There is assistance with adding a ramp to the front of my house for mom and any other issues mom might have with staying safe. I have been able to keep my job.
I had already been out of the workforce back in my late twenties, earlier thirties and it was not pretty getting back into the workforce. It was like starting all over as if I was 18, and the pay was minimum wage. Very difficult to raise two children on my own making minimum wage, which back then was $6.15 and hour OUCH! Plus I was not paying into the social security system so that will affect me at retirement time, double whammy!
The best case scenario you want to get yourself in is to stay employed, keep your relationship with your husband in good standing, bring in outside aides to assist, take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit.
Check into that link and see if grandma would be eligible. You would stay in control of her care but still be able to live your own life. There is still a lot of stress even under this situation, but at least you have help and the opportunity to take care of yourself. Take care of yourself so that you have the capacity to take care of your husband and your grandmother. 
Also, a side note, even if it looks like your grandmother may not qualify because she is over the income requirement, don't stop there.  Find a care manager to talk with. There are ways to still make it work. They may be good options, they may  not, but push through the system.  I know New York doesn't make it easy, and it was extremely frustrating.  However, I finally got the help I needed and it worked out in the best interest of my mom.  That was all that mattered.  Don't take the first 20 to 30 no's, keep on pushing.  Best of luck to you. If there is any way I can be of any further help to you, please feel free to reach out to me. 

Do you know why you have so many responses to your question? Because it is so easy to answer from the pool of resources here on this site. When you asked that question, I knew for sure you either were joking, or you were a complete novice, knowing nothing at all about what you were getting into.
I am turning 60 this year. I had no experience, knowledge, or ties to anyone who had a relative with dementia when I was your age. Now not only do I have my own mother with dementia, I had my uncle, my aunt and loads of friends. I am now 100% experienced in all things caregiving, and guess what? My mother does not even live with me. She is in her 5th facility. The very first response to your question hit the nail on the head. At least she is 91 and chances are she will die soon. But there is a chance she won't. There is a chance she will live to over 100. I am in my 8th year of this. I quit my job 6 years ago, moved from California to North Carolina to be closer. I am my mother's Power of Attorney (most important document to have), executor of her will, Trustee on her Trust and her only real caregiver, aside from the kind folks in her facility. I am worn down. I am jaded. I am at the stage where I realize, that unless you are billionaires and can afford the best of the best, you are going to be confronted with SOOOO many situations that will frustrate the h*ll out of you that all your friends, and new husband will abandon you because all you can talk about are the many stories of angst, frustration, stupidity, lack of common sense, corporate greed, the snails pace of medicare, the bureaucracy of everything and the new set of everything and anything that will confront you every single day until you go mad. STOP right now and find an alternative to this decision. Even if you contribute some of your time, find someone else, or a facility to help you. My mother was stubborn too. She begged me to let her die in her house. In the end I had to force her out and while she did not like it, she was not in her right mind to make any decisions to take care of herself anymore. I am begging you to rethink your decision no matter how much guilt you have or think you will have or think your patient will thrust on you. You are too young to have to take on this burden by yourself. It is not selfish, it is healthy to take care of yourself, otherwise you might as well put some sleeping pills, and a lot of them, out for yourself.

sdbike, So well said.

This is probably not the case for you, but I know it has been for some. If you actually hate your job and are seeing this as an escape into something that adds value to the family while getting you out of a bad situation, again beware! Don't go from the frying pan into the fire. Instead, really examine other job options -- maybe even figuring out how much you need to make in order to contribute to paying for some caregiving for your husband's grandma. My mother is also a very sweet elder and a joy to be around. That doesn't eliminate the fact that having taken on her care puts some serious and pretty non-negotiable limits on how my husband and I can live our life for now. She's 98 and in perfect health except for dementia, so we are pretty much "all in" until she's 100. The odds that she will live several years beyond that are high, so we are in preparation stages for making a transition at that point into at least an assisted living situation, if not NH. There are limits to the "hold" any of us can put on our lives, and the elder we are caring for would not have wanted that for us had they been fully cognitively capable at the time the decisions were made. Which brings me to another point -- with your own children and grandchildren, begin a clear conversation NOW about how you DON'T want this for them, and begin together making plans that will avoid having that become an issue.

was it just a job, or a career? You are still young, it sounds like you want to try this, your husband will be of some help I imagine. Is there any chance of respite care from a Council On Aging type organization? For instance, I get 48 hours a month when I get to go out for shopping, library, whatever. There will be bad times when you will be exhausted, resentful of others for not helping, wondering when you get to be yourself again. Have you thought about a nursing home? Found a good one? My mom was miserable in the one she had to have rehab in when she was recovering from a UTI, they were supposed to be five star, but she was stuck in a wheelchair (she never used one before), the doctor did not communicate with family, I had a feeling she would not last long there. Good luck, your intentions are sweet and caring, I am living with my 91 old mother (I am 63) and just keep thinking, she needs me, that is what matters. One day I might not be able to do it, but for now I am hanging in there.

I was in my late 50s, semiretired/self-employed, and single when I started taking care of my parents with dementia. It was beyond disruptive to my own life, and I can't even imagine what this would be like for a 30-year-old newly-married woman like yourself.

First piece of advice: Run like h*ll. Seriously. Or at least question why no one else is willing to step up to the plate. A close relative maybe? Then, did you make this decision yourself or did somebody make it for you?

So you decide to take that bit in your teeth anyway. Build a support crew now. Doesn't have to be folks who can pitch in so you can take off for a weekend either. Even having someone who can go out for coffee with you and listen while you implode would be huge. Check into the caregivers' support groups, and if your local Alzheimers Association has caregiving classes, take them. Most are free, and most can give you a good idea of what to expect.

Figure out how long you can take off at a time. With Dad, if I was gone longer than four hours, he got antsy or scared or ready to wander. So anything within that time window, I'm okay. That's long enough to implode with a friend over coffee.

Take any respite you can when you can. Anything you and your grandmother-in-law enjoy together is a possibility here. If you both, say, enjoy local theater or going out to listen to music, you can enjoy yourself, your care recipient enjoys herself and keeps mentally engaged, everybody wins and you get a bit of a break.

Stephanitely86, best of luck to you and your husband. If you decide to take this nearly-impossible assignment on and you're praying folks, do it. If you're not, do it anyway. You'll need all the help you can get.

I'm caring for my wife of 17 years. I've been caring for her memory loss. I have no life other than waiting on her. She doesn't know me except as her caregiver. Be ready to lose friends due to you devoting all your time to caregiving. I thought I had it all together until I asked the family to call or visit. All to busy with their own lives. So I hired a person for a few hours each week. I realized that I did need some time away. : ))

Don't do it. It will change your life forever. Loss of income, social life and privacy!

@stephanitely86:
The other posts here certainly contain some realistic advice; the task you're about to undertake will probably be the most challenging thing you can do for another human being. But it will also be one of the most rewarding experiences you'll ever have.
My dad had MS, and was in a wheelchair during his last five years. Taking care of him was pretty straightforward; empty his catheter bag and irrigate his catheter, help him with his exercises and fix his meals. Dad still had his wits about him, right up to the day he passed, so it wasn't that bad.
Mom, however, was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder with dimentia in 1997. Two years later, an MRI revealed that Mom had lost 30% of her brain mass due to atrophy, and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Syndrome with dimentia. Her doctor told me it was only going to get worse. I put my parents through h*ll when I was young - I was arrested more times than I care to remember. Not for anything violent, mind you but, like Dad used to say, "If you're going to be stupid, you have to be willing to pay for it." I went to jail because I was caught drinking a beer before I my 21st birthday, again for stealing ten railroad ties and yet again (in another county) because I didn't (couldn't) pay the fine for a speeding ticket. I never spent an entire night in jail, though, because Dad and Mom always came to my rescue. But they also taught me that I had to accept responsibility for anything I might do, so they made sure I was there for my court dates.
My point is this: I took on the challenge of caring for them because I felt (and still do) that I owed them that much.
Mom was a handful; it was impossible to anticipate what she'd do next. She started a fire in the kitchen when she put her clothes in the microwave "to see if it would make them better." She emptied the entire refrigerator one night, left all of the food out on the counter and left the door open, which burned out the compressor. One morning I kept hearing the pump kick on (we lived in a rural area and had well water). I went downstairs and found every tap in the house open, water everywhere, and every burner on the stove was blazing away on high. I took the knobs off of the stove, installed baby gates everywhere and tried tying the fridge door shut. Mom was pretty clever, though, and managed to find different ways to cut through the bungee cords, so I eventually anchored an I-bolt to the wall and padlocked a chain around the refrigerator door. She began to dig at the wall sockets with her fork after a meal, so I installed baby-proof covers over all the outlets, and I'd do a quick inventory of dishes and utensils after mealtime.
Those are just some of the things that nearly drove me to the brink of madness.
One thing you should know, Stephanie, is that the help available to caregivers ranges anywhere non-existent to very little. I have two siblings living nearby, but neither of them were willing to help me. It was terrible! "I don't want to see Mom like that," they'd tell me. I guess it never occurred to them that I didn't want to see her like that, either.
I did hire a nurse from Comfort Keepers to come out and give Mom a bath twice a week (there are certain things a son just can't do for his mother). It cost $18 an hour, but it was the only time I was able to leave the house for four hours. I used that time to run errands, do laundry or to buy groceries. Then I'd race back home, to my own private h*ll.
I'd love to tell you that I never lost my patience with Mom, that I never got upset and lost my temper. But I did. I NEVER hit my mother, but I can remember several times when I yelled (screamed) at her for doing something I just couldn't comprehend (burning up the microwave comes to mind). However, I was always conscious of one particular fact that always caused me to keep my ire in check: Mom didn't ask for this disease; she wasn't doing those things on purpose. She would often hallucinate and talk to people who weren't there. She'd hide food under the couch cushions or in other inconspicuous places. She would do the most maddening things, and I simply couldn't understand why she would do them. Well, now I realize it was because the 70% of brain matter she had left was wired differently than mine. Her neural pathways were corrupted, so her take on logic and reason was governed by a different set of rules. The entire world, and how it worked, had been reinvented in Mom's mind. It was a world I couldn't see, but she was no longer able to see my world, the "real" world, either.
And that's what kept me grounded. Realizing that the world she lived in was every bit as real to her as ours is to us is all that kept me from blowing my brains out.
I'd always remind myself of that when I'd get upset and yell at her. And then I'd apologize to her. I'd speak to her softly, sometimes through tears of shame, and I'd tell her I was sorry I yelled at her, and that it wasn't her fault. Her doctor, Mom's doctor, wrote me a prescription for Xanax just so I could sleep, and it helped to keep me calm during the most trying times.
Dad passed away in 2001 at the VA hospital. I continued to take care of Mom until she broke her hip in 2014. She went to a nursing home to recuperate and never came home again. I was her court-appointed guardian and her power of attorney for nearly twenty years, but it was decided that the level of care she now required was more than I could provide. Therefore, I was forced to sign her up for state Medicaid. I put my name on the deed to the house after Dad died, but the state tried to force me out when they said it counted as part of her assets (I was successful in keeping the house, but it cost me several thousands in legal fees). I was forced to cash in her life insurance for pennies on the dollar, because the state wants us both to be broke if they're going to pay for part of her care. Medicaid didn't pay everything, so I had to make up the difference. I'm a disabled veteran living on a small pension, but that doesn't matter to the state: "Thanks for your service, now where's our money? Oh, you don't have it? Okay; your truck belongs to us now and, by the way, there's nothing you can do about it."
The journey upon which you're about to embark will take you into the very depths of H*ll itself, and once you find yourself there, you'll discover there is no way out - you can't go back the way you came in order to escape. Believe me, you'll find out exactly what you're made of, and you'll discover the very limits of human endurance.
Despite all of that, I'm not sorry I took on the role of caregiver for my parents. Despite all of the frustration, the enormous expense, the complete absence of any semblance of a social life, and despite the years upon years of sleep deprivation, I would do it again for my parents.
You see, I have memories of my mother and father that my brother and my sister can never have. It wasn't ALL bad. There are some pleasant and even amusing memories I can conjure when I need them.
Mom was 81 when she passed away on February 28, 2017. I stood up at her funeral and told my siblings to stop crying because they hadn't earned the right to shed a single tear. "Where were your tears when she was alive, when she had lucid moments and wanted nothing more than to see her children? You don't get to cry for losing someone you gave up so many years ago." I made them both wait outside until the service was over, and I have absolutely NO regrets about that.
Good luck to you, Stephanie. It's going to be the most difficult thing you'll ever do but, take my word for it, you'll gain a strength of character you wouldn't otherwise be able to attain.
As for the rest of you, I can't, and won't criticize you for feeling the way you do. There really SHOULD be more help available to those who sacrifice significant portions of their own lives and careers to care for the parents to whom we all owe so much. It's a difficult, demanding task that will suck the very life out of you. There will be times when you'll wish you could just walk away, when you'll ask yourself, "What the h*ll was I thinking when I agreed to do this?"
But when the ordeal finally comes to its inevitable end, you'll know that you made it through, and you'll know that if you can do that, you can do pretty much anything.
Endure the most trying times and fondly remember the good ones. It won't last forever, although sometimes you'll think it just might.
I'm assuming your husband will be helping with Grandma's care. Work up a schedule and stick to it; you'll both need time away. When it gets to be too much, hire a nurse or professional caregiver to sit with her while you enjoy an evening out together.
I hope this helped a little, and I wish you and your husband the best.

This is your husband's grandmother. Did you grow up with this woman in your life? Was she maybe a member of your church? Did you see her often at community events? Did she perhaps babysit you? Were you in and out of your now husband's house and interacted with her a lot?

Or is this woman essentially a stranger to you?

I know we have painted a horrendous picture of caregiving in your home. And the picture is accurate. But I personally think the stress level is related to the nature of your relationship to the person you are caring for.

I took care of my husband on his ten-year journey with dementia, in our home. I had help and respite. It was extremely hard. I would do it again.

All of us four daughters had wonderful relationships with our mother. When her dementia made it impossible for her to remain alone she moved in with the recently retired daughter. The other 3 of us provided respite. We worked together well and provided emotional support. Sis was able to do this for 14 months. Then mother went to a nursing home. Even then her care took time from us. Would we do it again? Yes! But maybe the period Sis took care of her in-home would be shorter.

Keep in mind that the four of us were in our sixties while taking on this caregiving.

I loved both of my grandmothers. Would I have volunteered to care for them in my home? Absolutely not! No way! If the Gram I was closest too just needed a place to live, that might have worked. But give her showers? Wipe her butt? Coax her to take pills? No. That was not within the nature of our relationship.

Because this thread is so uniformly negative about caregiving in your home I want to point out that this outlook is specifically for your situation. I don't think that no one should ever care for a relative. But your husband's grandmother? At your age 30? My dear, that is just the wrong situation at the wrong time.

Maybe someone you will care for a disabled husband, or he will care for you. Fine. But if this woman is basically a stranger that is an entirely different situation.

Do come back and tell us what is happening.

(BTW, has your husband read these responses?)

I am not going to soft soap this. Caretaking can be a grueling experience. You are also going to have the extra situation of her knowing that you are living in her house and she is used to things being her way. I am the caretaker of both my parents who both have dementia and mom has breast cancer. I moved into their home thinking that it would be better for them to not have to move out and be more confused. It is good for them in many ways as they are always in familiar surroundings. But it does make it a little bit rougher when times come that I have to tell them what to do for their own good. You just have to be strong when those times come.

Try to always remember, especially during some of the really tough times that will come, they can't help the things they are doing. If they were still young and healthy they would be appalled at how they are acting. Just get through each situation as it comes the best that you can. Make sure you do find at least a little time for you every once in awhile so that you can re-energize. Find someone to step in for a few hours at least a couple times a month so you can get out for awhile. You didn't mention if she is on hospice. That is a great way to help take a bit of the load off. They have so many ways to help you through this time. Both my parents are on hospice at home.

Always keep in mind that you are not trapped. This is not going to be forever and when she is gone you will look back on how it was. Try to take each moment and situation in a way that you would want to remember it later. You can only do your best. Coming here often will help greatly. Knowing you are not alone and there are others going through the same thing can help. You were called to do this and God will get you through. When it is over and she is gone, you will have done what may be the greatest thing a person can ever do for another.

Hi Stephanie, if the decision is final and you will be taking care of your husband's grandmother, I would recommend looking at programs for seniors in your area such as Adult Day Care or other social programs in the community. Depending on his grandmother's income, there should be low-cost or free programs. This will allow her to meet new friends and keep active and for you a little caregiver relief. Good luck!

You will learn not to sweat the small stuff. This is their last stage of life. Things can go wrong and be sad for both of you. I have been doing it 8 year for my mom. She no longer knows me, but she likes me as she knows ,somehow, I care. When she gets up, make sure she goes to the bathroom, then lead her to the table. My mom likes peach yogurt, coffee and two scrambled eggs with some ketchup on the side. She eats this everyday. Takes her vitamins everyday, along with a coconut oil capsule, turmeric capsule and cinnamon bark capsule . Watches TV till noon -1:00 and I give her lunch. Then dinner is around 4:00- 5:30. I do take her for car rides and try to get her to sit in the shade outside, but she just watches closed captioned TV as much as possible. If I leave the room, she just goes to her room and lays down. I do take her to the bathroom at intervals during the day. At night I leave a light on and she gets up by herself . She has made mistakes, but do not make much out of it and life is better for you both. Try to have someone come in every once in a while so you can get out a bit. Of course, there is much more, but you have taken on a worthy cause. You will change and so will she. Pray, be loving, ask for advice when you feel caged in. Blessings.

Totally agree with "don't do it". You are too young. Devoting your life to caregiving means that it will be an all-consuming effort. It is wrong for anyone to want to put this on you. I totally get it when it comes to being loyal and devoted to parents and husband, but this is not realistic. What about your parents, children, etc. What will happen when their time comes. Do not give up your employment and your chances of a good retirement. The future is coming and you will be sorry that you did.

I just went through all this with my mother and I'll tell you now, find an assisted living home for her and don't wait. Do it now. My sister and I took care of mom along with two full time nurses and that lasted a week. Once your dealing with dementia of any degree your on a downhill slide that will take you with it. This could ruin you, your new marriage as well as your whole life. get out now and put Mom in a home. It's absolutely the best way to handle this. Also get a durable power of attorney as well as put your name on all her utilities and any other bills or credit cards. That way you can take care of Mom's business for her and know there are no problems. Mom's home, one vehicle and 2k dollars are exempt from any asset list so they can't make you sell the home for mom's bills. However you must say that your keeping the home for mom so she can return to it when she gets better.

I'm a thirty-something who also quit his job, and social life if you will, to move back in with his parents in a small Bay Area suburb. I think the biggest observation I can offer from my own experience, is that I asked myself if I was going to feel like I was putting my life on hold, and I walked away with the answer of "I don't think so," which was enough to send me packing and away from Seattle.

I wanted this experience. I wanted to spend some good quality time with my parents, even if "quality" is debatable given their mental health states. It just meant I had to give up so much to do it. And if my experience is useful in any way, the biggest thing I've learned is that if I felt like this was a duty, I would've hated being here. Some days I still hate it, but because I didn't feel forced to be here, because I wanted to, it's become a meaningful experience that I really want to trade but never would.

It sounds like you've already "decided," so I don't know if evaluating whether you even want to be a caretaker is up for grabs. All I can say is it's going to be an experience. It may not be the career, the newly married life (I'm not married so I wouldn't know), or any other paths you dreamed of. But it will be an experience. And I think you get to choose whether that's part of what you want in your history book or not (and not everyone is going to get it).

That said, if possible, I'd discuss with your spouse if you can set some end goals. I'm planning to spend no more than a year with my parents, because I will go crazy (I already have my moments). My goal is to get transition them from still trying to be hyper independent to being able to get around on the days they want to. But even though I want to be here, I have an end date. That helps. As others have pointed out, your grandmother could be alive for another 5-10 years. Are you going to wait that long before moving to the next thing?

Also, make time for yourself, and your spouse. You have to.

Good luck. I'm very new to this (~5 weeks in) so you're in good company. Maybe find some outlet to channel the experience. For me, blogging about it has been my crutch, but I'm also a writer.

Cetude says "If she's like 90's, she will not last that long anyway".
That's what I thought when I opted to look after my mother. Her sudden physical decline combined with her past medical history and advanced age had me certain she wouldn't last another 6 months. It's been years now, and I seriously I wonder if she'll make it to her 100th birthday.

I would like to strongly say that the advice given by Jim695 is absolutely the best I have ever seen here. I understand the temptation to flee a difficult situation, but I find myself very glad that most of those who commented here are not my kids, because I would not be cared for in the least. It is not about us, but about what we can do for others.

You know what gets me, where are her children? The first thing that should have been established is that this is "his" grandmother. What you do for her is out of love for him but...when he comes home from work you expect him to help as much as he can. That can be doing laundry, cooking, making beds. Hopefully you are a strong person. Hopefully you are ready to clean up the messes she will make. I'm surprised that you saw this as an option. And, you cannot do this 24/7. You and your husband will need to be able to "get away". Does she have any money? If so, consider respite care every so often. Line up family members who can sit with her while you run errands or go out on a "date". But please, do not try to do this on your own. I had support of my husband. You both are young and I think have taken on a responsibility you had no idea what was involved. I remember 30. Your outlook on life is so different. Believe these women when they say, you shouldn't have done it. Not everyone can be caregiver's. Really, it takes a special person and maybe your it. Me, I wasn't and even though Mom is now in an AL, I still have responsibilities I rather not have to deal with. Hopefully, in the next couple of months a lot of those I won't need to worry about. But for now, it's a daily thing.

Best of Luck to you, I was married shortly after Mom moving in with me, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. In a lot of ways its very self rewarding knowing that your taking care of your mother or loved one, but I can tell you after 4 years it really can ware on you. I continued to work a demanding full time job with the help of a caregiver, I did not have a lot of luck with caregivers doing right and even had one steal from me. Even in the early stages of alzheimers its a very tough and demanding job but as it progresses not only is it demanding but it is at times very hurtful. To watch your loved one's mind diminish and to see this terrible disease continue to take them to nothing is almost unbearable. My family would not help at all so I was on my own trying to take care of Mom, I would do anything in the world for my Mother but it did finally get to the point that it was no longer safe to have her with us. She had started to fall and I had to have her rushed to the ER, there were no signs but we found she had pneumonia, Watch for UTI's I had been warned but when it happened I though she had snapped, a UTI is just terrible and some develop them quite often, their whole personality will change and if you are not aware you will have no idea what to do and what is going on. I hope you have help, It came to the point that I could go no where, no freedom. My husband travels and is gone approx. 3 weeks out of the month so I was pretty much on my own. I did not even feel safe to run to the corner 7 -11. I know I'm giving you the worst case but just trying to prepare you, its not an easy job to do. Please understand you will also have a lot of wonderful times. Its not all bad but as terrible as this sounds and makes me feel I am relived that Mom is now in a Beautiful home, the staff is wonderful and she is receiving the care that she so desperately needs. It was to the point that she had no control of her body functions and that is a very rough thing to deal with. That is also when the UTI's set in. I wish you the best and NO to answer your question you should not feel bad. Actually I have the upmost respect for you and your decision to take care of her and I wish you the best and pray for you.

Where are your husband's parents? Believe me when I say it is a very long and hard road. I take care of my mother and I go to a support group and also I found adult day program that I enrolled her in and she goes 5 days of the week and seems to like it. Also, I work full time and I'm very thankful that I have understanding bosses, because I would have had to quit. Hopefully, you will have some other ones to help you, but I seem to have lost family members and some people that I thought were my friends. It gets very lonely.

Wow, so many great answers and advice here, I have to chime in. Yes, it will take a huge toll on so many aspects of your life. You are still young and my career was just taking off when I was your age! I was in my early 40's when my Mom starting showing signs of dementia. She made it clear after giving her any choice she wanted to have me be her caregiver and live with me and my husband. My husband and I had been together for almost 10 years before we got married and only had a few years together of "just us" before this took place. Now I am 4 years in to giving up my career, took on working part time as a caregiver so I would know how to handle Mom as she advanced in her dementia. She would have gone broke in no time in a facility or paying 30 an hour for outside help which I know she would not be keen on. My family has really broken apart (not that we were not dysfunctional already) but this brought it all to the surface. My brothers do nothing to help in anyway.
My life now........I am moody and tired all the time, I am financially dependent on my husband and mother to do what I need to do for her, I am a prisoner as I cannot travel, not even for a short stint, I feel like the servant to everyone and my "special closeness" with my husband has all but dissapeared. I am the caregiver, the cook, the maid, the laundress, the gardener, etc. My body hurts all the time and I mostly feel overwhelmed.
It is an enormous undertaking and until you are in it for a couple years, you cannot imagine the toll it will take on your life, your finances, your marriage, your overall happiness. Think twice before going all in because once you commit, you will find it much harder to back out. Where is the crystal ball when you need it?

You have some - many - responses to consider thus far.
My thoughts:
(1) Write down on paper WHY you are doing this.
(2) Write down the pluses and minuses (you seem to know some already)
(3) At 30 years old, will you be able to 'get back' into the job market if you decide to stop being the primary caregiver? if not, how will this affect you, your income, your self-esteem, and your marriage?
(4) Track ALL time you spend doing caregiving. It is important to translate this time into actual income (if you were getting paid).
(5) I think the fact that you are reaching out here asking for support and/or feedback reflects that you are unsure of this decision and need to consider it very carefully.
(6) ALWAYS make time for (1) you personally and (2) you and your husband. Keep your priorities straight and clear.
(7) Have back-up caregivers so you have time to take off (1) emergencies (2) weekly or weekends and (3) when you need to take a week off or longer.
(8) The words you use are reflective of how you feel about yourself "selfish brat" - it sounds to me like you FEEL and THINK that you are not allowed to have your own life and immediately jumping to self-depreciation. If you 'fall into this emotional and psychological way of thinking' you will burn out very quickly, feel guilty and lose yourself. You do not want to do that. And finally,
(9) as I usually say, see a therapist or someone professional in the field. Find out what resources are available to you and your family. Flush this out with a professional therapist or counselor to make sure you know what you are getting into and have the emotional and psychological strength to handle it. It is one of the most difficult jobs a person can take on. I know and I am not even a family member. I do this for a living and work with families.

Yes it will! I have been the sole care for 8 years my father is 85 and we live in the same house. I am a single 59 years old women. I have no to little social life I do work full time but I have to take off a lot to handle things. It is a very stressful situation. If you are not completely sure this is the road you should be going then it will be much more difficult. And your husband has to help sometimes just so you can have a break. Good luck with this new adventure.

There is a very simple response to this: Look at the term "24/7". It becomes real, and no human being can provide "24/7" care, or do any other job "24/7". When they begin their night wandering and other night-issues with dementia, care becomes exhausting. Look carefully at all these responses and options before you quit your job.

P.S. How are you at setting boundaries for yourself?
What do you do when you get rattled/off your center and need to regroup? How will you set boundaries for yourself?
How will you handle feeling GUILTY?
How will you handle burn out?
Have you considered these things?
You will need to figure out how you will maintain your 'self' [equanimity] and return to 'you'
How much support will your husband provide to you (emotionally) - have you asked him and/or told him what support you need?
Have you discussed w/your husband how this will affect your marriage and what HIS expectations of you are?

It sounds like you quite your job already. I am not clear

At 90 she can last longer. My mother is 104, nearly 105, and cannot do anything for herself, but her organs - heart, lungs etc. are strong. She is in an ALF and well cared for. I am 79 and have been doing distance caregiving for a while. Even that is stressful.
Was the house a "carrot" to attract you and your new hub to move in? As you can see from other replies, promises like that are rarely kept.

Ive been taking care of my mother who stroked 4 years ago, she is currently 88 years old, my father 90...my sibs bailed 3 years ago. I thought the same way you are thinking...I can do this. I have a great friends and husband support system, I try to work but it is impossible to work in town. Luckily my career takes me out of town for months at a time. It's the ONLY thing that has saved me. I've aged, I am resentful much of the time, it's harder than raising my two boys which i did as a single mother. It sucks the life out of you and you will NEVER be the same. You will be showering, toileting, feeding, addressing dementia related anger/confusion/outbursts. If they are not there now, they will come and she is NOT YOUR GM so the ability to forgive is doubly difficult.
I suggest you go sit through a few Alzheimers support groups for caregivers BEFORE you make a final decision.