Moving 86 yr old Mom out of state to be closer to me, her only child. I'm worried she might decline, but dr suggested selling her house since it has stairs and she has fallen a couple of times recently. She currently gets around good and drives. Memory and cognitivity are getting questionable, or it could be that she doesn't hear well and won't wear her hearing aids. Her house is almost sold and she wanted to lease an apartment in the town she lives. I'm concerned about random other tenants since it is not a senior apartment complex. I've been trying to get her to move closer to me. I have found a nice Independent Living facility in my town where they provide meals, transportation, activities and housekeeping. I have her convinced to come do it, but now I am having second thoughts. She has lived in the same house for over 47 years. I worry that any move is going to cause mental stress and possibly down cline. Part of me wonders if that is a hidden trick to Independent Living facilities as well, like, a few months down the road they tell me that she needs assisted living instead of independent. Any thoughts/suggestions?
I don't think there's any "hidden tricks" in IL, just loving and well-meaning family members who don't realize how declined their LO is because they have not been with them daily. This is you.
Moving her close to you is a wise decision, but take advantage of it and get her situated in such a way that when she needs more care, it is less stressful for all involved. I'm hoping you are currently her PoA. If not, she needs to be encouraged to assign you. If she doesn't, she is setting you up for a very stressful situation in the future as she declines. You don't have legal authority to manage her affairs or make decisions for her when she can no longer do it herself unless you are her PoA for medical and financial. Then the authority is activated when she gets a medical diagnosis by her primary doctor of impairment sufficient enough to require the intervention of her PoA.
So set her up with a primary care doctor as soon as she moves. You should create a medical portal for her and request a "wellness" exam but also discretely request a cognitive/memory test and also a recommendation for a virtual driving assessment through their Occupational Therapy department. When I had my Mom tested I was astonished at how poorly she did...and she lives next door to me. I had no idea how bad her judgment had become, let alone her reaction times. It's not always obvious.
Your Mom will not like any changes. But the caregiving arrangement has to accommodate the caregiver (you) otherwise you will burn out. I respectfully suggest you start learning about dementia, how is appears in our LOs, why and how it changes them and how to change how you interact with them so that all engagement is peaceful and productive.
Also please know that if your Mom is becoming more and more negative, argumentative, "stubborn", depressed, paranoid -- these are signs to call her primary doc to discuss meds for depression and anxiety as a result of cognitive decline. My Mom started crying in the mornings and even she knew it wasn't normal and asked for meds and she's doing much better and is easier to be with every day.
I wish you all the best on this journey: may you gain wisdom and peace in your heart!
And whether that is near you or where your mom lives, that is up to the 2 of you, but in all reality I'm guessing that having her closer to you would benefit you greatly as you won't have to running back and forth from one state to another.
I wish you well in getting your mom settled in whichever place she decides to live.
Good luck.
You made this decision.
Will it be hard? Yes, it will. But a decline, which you know is coming, will make things harder and moves may not be possible.
Your mom and you decided on this. Continue on.
And yes, the one certainty is that independent living WILL progress to ALF. But no, I think I have never heard of them suggesting that move without very very good reason.
Just do what you think is best. Things will not go perfectly. Moves are very difficult at any age. Do what you BOTH together decide is for the best after you make the pros and cons list. Pro: I am near daughter and she can help me manage the changes that WILL come. Con: I am leaving friends, doctors I know and it's a pain in the neck.
To be honest, with any move, initially, and before it is done it is ALL cons. Loss of home, friends, town and doctors you know, all the address changes and set ups. It's VERY difficult.
But what choices are there? Because changes are on their way. And you have together concluded this is the best way to address them.
Good luck. Yes, there will be moments for you BOTH. That's part of it.