I'm reading on here that people are asking what they should be paid to take care of their aging or ill parents.
Am I NUTS to think that it's our responsibility to take care of our parents and family?
I more than gladly took care of my Mom when she was sick and dying, my Brother when he was sick and my husband when he was sick and dying. I hated that I had to, but I did it because I loved them all. My brother is fine. But now I no longer have my Mom and my Husband.
I would gladly do it all over. I wouldn't ask for a red cent to care for any of them or anyone else I care about.
It's supposed to be my Christian duty. But that's just my belief...
I guess im just crazy. ?? ..
But is that the way it's done now? We are supposed to charge our family to care for them???
If so.. what has this world come to?
But as someone who hasn't worked in such a long time, I can tell you that most people aren't asking this question out of greed. Unless you're independently wealthy, really good at the stock market or able to work remotely, you're completely sacrificing your financial future for a parent. And even so, if you're able to do remote work, the parent might be so dependent that you won't even have time to even do that anymore. In the worst case scenario, you may become too ill or suffer such mental and emotional strain that you're unable to work.
Obviously, if people are asking about getting paid in a way that sounds slimy, I can understand your outrage. There are definitely people who don't care about their parents and are just looking for a payout. However, the average person isn't looking for a payout. If you don't have any savings, a house or some other inheritance that can be passed on or not enough social security points, you're committing financial suicide because you don't have any financial security to see you through to old age. That's especially true if you dropped out of the workforce. A guy from my state committed mass murder-suicide when his siblings tried selling off a house that he and his mother lived in before she died. They weren't looking to screw him over (they were going to share the proceeds of the sale), but he must have had so little financial security that it was as good as being thrown out into the streets.
We have tried, but failed, some better than others, for at least 15 years. She is 93 years. All of the daughters are retired and her son will retire retire soon.
I can see that caring for our parents should be our responsibility, but often our own health interferes with that goal.
The world woke up, that's what!
Should my aunt or sibling have cared for my grandma with Alzheimer's (who became violent and very mean which was 100000000% opposite from the way she was) after my grandpa died from a heart attack then?
Fast forward to now, most women need to work to support their families and if they are unmarried they definitely need to support themselves to avoid living under a bridge when they are old.
My "Christian" duty is to be sure my parents were safe and cared for but I did not feel it was my job to give up my life to be their24/7 hands on caregiver. I did the best I could for my mother and am continuing to do the best I can for my father by being his advocate at his LTC facility.
Please do not judge others because they do not come up to your so-called "Christian" standards.
Put in your book, to tell your daughter, in case something happens to go onto aging care and tell your good friends here. So as not to keep us wondering.
I’m going to give it to my daughter and am going to include a letter expressly forbidding her from becoming my caregiver if I can no longer care for myself.
Of course, access to funds, which I have painstakingly socked away for my placement in a facility, will be included. Better yet, I will have already placed myself by that time.
Not only is taking care of me not her job, I forbid it. Period.
She will honor me by paying it forward to her own daughter.
Years ago, in some cultures this was expected. My father was famous for sacrificing people for the dirty work while he did his own thing. He was the type to have you minding the store and watching his possessions as a chosen slave. I moved out after my sister was placed safely in a group home. The placement was initiated by me because he wouldn't have done it himself. He tried that guilt trip on me because I would not sign for a large housing loan to pay off myself. He wanted to move to Florida with that pin head of a wife of his. He was religious also.
In all due honesty, I'm sick and tired of the guilt inducing religious crap that some people throw at me that ain't worth a plate of refried beans. These people are nothing more than master manipulators.
Either a troll or someone with a mental health problem too diffiicult for this site to assist with.
Make sure you do not become self-righteous and view yourself as better than others for the life decisions you’ve made. Each situation is unique and cannot be judged based on external appearances. Providing for one’s family will look different for everyone and has changed over the decades.
In Jesus’ time, the male family members were expected to provide financially for their families and oversee the care of elders. The males passed down an inheritance to provide for children and widows, not the other way around. Needing money to live and feed one’s own family does not make anyone selfish, or unworthy as a child of God.
I’m sorry for all that you’ve been through, and that you felt you had to do it all on your own to earn God’s approval. There is so much pressure to care for others, especially as women, but it is not our duty to help everyone by ourselves. That’s why we have the church community to help and support one another.
I don’t want you to feel judged for what I’ve said. I struggle with trying to do it all on my own too. I do want you to honestly question your own understanding of our duty as Christians and reassess your criticism of others who are just trying their best to survive in this difficult world.
Please take care and prayerfully consider my words.
John believed in Jesus and none of his siblings did. Well James got on board after the resurrection. His siblings probably were not at the cross and therefore not asked. He also found the relationship of faith meant more than relationship of blood saying his disciples were his brother and mother to make a point
You were able to care for those people in your life when they needed it.
There are many people that can not physically SAFELY care for someone in their home alone. So if they are going to be a caregiver then they have to hire someone to help. (even better if the person that they are caring for is the one footing the bill for the caregiver.) And if the decision has to be made to place a LO in a facility that can meet their care needs that decision did NOT come easily.
There are also, unfortunately, many that have grown up in a household where the parents were, to put it mildly, dysfunctional. And that could range from being physically abusive, mental or emotionally abusive or having some mental disorder that makes them not great parents. I have said on many occasions that an abused person should NOT care for their abuser. I stand by this.
As to paying a family member to care for a parent or grandparent there is a valid reason to do this. Paying for care can legally spend down assets to make the parent, grandparent or other family member eligible for other services that can GREATLY help out in the long run. Having a "caregiver contract" makes proving the need for direct care easier and it also is proof of the money spent on care and that the money was not "gifted" which would make the process for applying for services more difficult.
If you are a young parent and your mom or dad needs you to help care for them are you going to give up your job, move away from your family to care for your parent? Is that fair to your husband or your children? Is that putting you in a financial bind now and in the future?
As an aging parent would you want your child to give up their job, their family, their future to care for you? If that is what you expect of your child that, in my opinion, is selfish and short sighted.
If you have planned wisely you will have saved for your "golden years" and can pay for a caregiver or have the funds to move into a community where you can get the help you need so you do not put your children in the position of having to care for you.
And getting to the "sexist" part of this about 80% of caregivers are women. This seems to give 20% of the population a pass on the caregiving aspect. Some reason a mom and maybe the rest of the family does not want her son to be changing her soiled underwear, giving her a bath or shower and and dressing her. Although it seems more acceptable for a daughter to do the same for dad.
So, again congratulations on being able to do what you did but please don't make anyone feel ashamed for not being able to do the same you have no idea what goes on with all of the decisions that are made.
My husband is doing everything in his power to keep his mother out of a nursing home. She has no money so unfortunately she would go into a SNF and most likely would be MC. My husband dreads this because she is so young. Kicker is as are we. We are in the prime of our lives giving hate to say wasting money providing care for his mother because our system is flawed and broken.
My husband's salary for the most part goes towards his mother's care. Would honestly be cheaper for one of us to quit but that work gap would destroy us. So we have to keep our jobs.
Ideally the system would allow us to care for our parents but no such thing as a free lunch. The time or money has to come from somewhere.
Parents really should not put their children in such positions. A good parent prepares for their old age and does what is nesscary to not be a burden to their families. It is crazy and unsustainable.
I will argue unless we as a society figure something about the socio-economic bomb known as elder care is going to destroy our country in the US. We simply cannot sustain the cost that increased longevity brings especially when people are not nesscary living healthier lives.
Not to mention how things like dementia and alz don't care about the who but logistical the only really viable treatment we have in throw bodies at the problem. All studies show proper caregiving hours increases QOL of PWD but the kicker is we don't pay caregivers worth a damn so realisticly who wants to do the job? Nursing homes are under staffed and patient's barely get 4 hours of personal care a day. Rest is cluster care for the most part because the staff is so limited.
Places near me have 10 to 1 ratios to patient to staff during the day it is worse at night and on holidays.
To clarify: in John 19:26-27, when Jesus was on the cross, he asked the disciple John to take care of his mother, Mary, saying "Woman, behold your son" to Mary and "Behold your mother" to John. Jesus had multiple other siblings, but he was the oldest. Funny that he didn't ask any of his siblings to do it...
Let's take my grandparents. My grandma was 72 and died from pancreatic cancer. My grandpa was 79 and died from a heart attack.
The last of my grandma's siblings to live was her sister, Genice, into her 80s of diabetic complications. Many times doctors will keep procedures or give operations going on the elderly that can prolong life but not necessarily help. Many people also marry later and have kids later making it more difficult to care for the elderly.
Because elders are living longer more will have more complex medical care than loved ones can handle including physical and mental
I researching about PoA, I'm so curious as to how one is made a PoA without their knowledge or consent? I didn't even think this was possible, and in my online research this doesn't seem to be legally possible. What state are you in? Was the PoA doc naming you actually created by an attorney and notarized? Just so curious... and this forum is all about learning and sharing knowledge, thanks!
You can't allow anyone to make you feel guilty for the decisions that you make in good faith for yourself. Period!
Upon reading the POA form, and research, I resigned the POA post. The way it was set up, if I couldn't perform the duties, the sibling would have to take over. Sibling is madder than a boiling pot and sees that I have abandoned my LO. They can feel or call me anything they want as they sit hours away and cannot accept the diagnosis despite numerous people telling them concerning occurrences other than me.
I commend those who can care for their LO's. I knew I couldn't. For me, it has nothing to do with my religious beliefs. It's all about knowing my strengths and weaknesses.
I wish you the best in your journey.
You aren't crazy. But you aren't right either - all due respect. As adults, it is our responsibility to ensure that we plan for our own care. If our children, or we as adult children, CHOOSE to offer help, that is a bonus. Not a requirement.
There are tons of situations where an adult child SHOULDN'T be providing care for their parent. No matter how much they love them. A great example is when the parent was abusive to them their entire lives. No one should ever have to care for their abuser.
As far as people asking about being paid to caregive - I don't know about you - but the vast majority of people that I know, don't have the wherewithal to quit their jobs and have no income in order to provide full time care for their parents.
And the ones that do quit the jobs often end up in a sticky situation, dependent on that parent to pay their bills or provide a roof over their heads, and when that parent passes, they are in trouble because they lose their support.
What has this world come to? Reality. True reality. I can't support my family AND provide someone with 24/7 care. I could be in the house sure. But that doesn't mean that I have the bandwidth 24/7 to provide care. And that's just my reality. I have another 15 years before I can retire.
The alternative for many is to move their loved one to a SNF or ALF so that they can continue to provide for themselves or their family.
What you espoused, that it is a responsibility or a duty that adult children should assume - is part of the problem with our elder care right now as it is. Many families are spread out all over the world. Some families need two incomes. The list can be endless.
But the reality is that people are living MUCH longer than they used to. My 77-year-old mom is providing care for my 98-year-old grandmother. Who DOES believe it is my mom's responsibility to take care of her. And it is starting to wear on mom.
The perfect way to ruin a relationship with someone you love is to expect them to give up their lives, in order to make sure you get what you need, and then dismiss or ignore their needs or wants. To apply guilt or pressure to them to take care of you, when you have done nothing to arrange or provide your own care. When an adult child is the only elder care plan, That's a problem.
As far as Christian duty - well there is the first thing - that not all people are even Christian. But aside from that, because I am a Christian, I know you are referencing "Children honor your parents all the days of your life".
Honor means high respect or great esteem. It doesn't mean give up your entire life to provide hands on care because there is no other plan. It doesn't mean you sacrifice your marriage or your own children in order to provide care for your parents.
I will do everything that I can to help my mom when the time comes, absolutely. BUT she and I have talked about it, and right now she's in this position herself. There is only so much you can do if they need more help than you can provide.
Keep in mind, not everyone has great relationships with their parents. Some people move far away and even go no contact due to the conflicts in relationships. So the "gladly" part of stepping in to care for a parent, isn't always part of reality.
So that solves are childrens generation from going through this.
I respect the elderly, but it does not give them a free pass to treat me like a slave or the help.
Being Christian does not mean you sacrifice your children's wellbeing for that of an elderly parent. You need an income to raise your family.
Back in the seventies the average lifespan was around 72 through 77 years of age. Now, people are living well into their hundreds.
Oh, I forgot to mention my family were church going folks.